My new neighbour was very attractive and definitely interested. For the moment, you'll just have to take my word for both – and my word that the combination made the ploy viable.
Opening the door, she was smiling faintly and the smile actually broadened slightly when I said: "I don't imagine your key would open my place?"
"I sincerely hope not," she replied, reaching behind her partially open door and producing a set of keys, "but here, have a try." She even traded me for the light bag of groceries so I could free both hands.
Of course it didn't. Handing the keys back, and taking back the bag, I said, "I expect that's a good thing. But I just haven't a clue what I did with mine."
"Why don't you come in for a minute? Give yourself the chance to look for them properly."
"Sure." I followed her inside, coaxed off my trainers then padded barefoot after her -- following her shapely tush as she crossed to the kitchen island.
"Wine while you look?"
"Sure. Thanks." I placed the bag on the island and began to take out the contents one item at a time. Okay, she worked from a stand-up desk by the window. That's what I'd suspected. But it didn't explain the sheer amount of time she spent watching when I was in the parking lot. "I expect we'd meet eventually one day. But I'd rather it wasn't through my stupidity."
"As you say, it was bound to happen. Cheers." She maintained eye contact when we clinked glasses, hers twinkling faintly. The bag empty I turned it upside down and the only thing to drop out was the till receipt. Shrugging, she added," They'll turn up. I bet 10 bucks they're not far away."
"Don't bet money, please." I was checking the pockets of my hoody. "I was a dime short at the till as it was. I mean, I don't normally go out like this so everything's in my other slacks but it was just a few items so you know how it is."
Turning out my pockets, with a frown, I peeled off the hoody and began to search it properly. Then laid the hoody beside the groceries and started on the pockets of my jogging pants.
She may've had a hint that I had come out commando (which I had, preparing deliberately and selecting my wardrobe carefully) because she wandered away to the desk and glanced out the window, sipping her wine. When she turned back, I could tell from her smile that she'd confirmed what she already knew. Oh hell, I'll make it simple. I'd left my keys on the roof of my car "accidently" and she'd been watching when I did it. Now I knew she knew and she knew I knew she knew, so I was just going through the motions when I dropped to one knee and began to search around the elastic 'in case the keys had dropped down that far', of course.
When I rose back to full height, it was who was going to blink first. The silence stretched and it was obvious from the faint smile that it wasn't going to be her. Why should she? l I hooked my thumbs in the thick elastic of the waistband. Then she lowered her glass an inch and said, "They might be caught in your tee, of course."
That was true, so I peeled that off first...shook it out, shrugged wryly and added it to the hoody and the groceries on the island. Then I hooked my thumbs again, and, when she said nothing, simply peeled them down...
She couldn't have kicked me harder in the balls if she'd actually applied the boot. "'Police please.'"
I'd only just stepped out of the jogging pants, my head snapped up and I froze, horrified, still bent in a full stoop.
"'Yes, I believe there's a naked man in my condo...'"...she was speaking into her iPhone and made a sweeping gesture with her foot and I straightened up, both hands over my groin now...and when she made the gesture again, heart pounding, I kicked my pants toward her..."'No, I don't know who he is. I've only just come in and there are clothes all over my floor..."...she collected my jogging pants and tossed them outside on to the balcony, sliding the door closed and latching it, all the while making uh-huh noises, like she was agreeing with what was being said...then she faced me again and motioned for me to place both hands atop my head...
I did. Swallowing very very hard, believe me.
Only to have her turn the phone toward me and snap a photo. "Next time it'll be a real 911 call. Get down on your knees, facing me..." she was manipulating the phone ...sending the pic somewhere???! – shit!..."... keep those hands up on your head..."...there, just like that..." she snapped another photo...and she started working the phone again...she WAS sending the pic, somewhere...