Our company decided to run some team building exercises, supposedly designed to bring the various members of the teams closer together so we worked better as a 'team'. I could have told them that this would be a waste of time considering some of the prima-donnas we had in the team, not excluding myself. I can be a right bitch at times, especially when I'm right and someone else is being exceptionally thick-headed.
One of these exercises was held in the mountains at a family friendly retreat. The idea was that we'd pair up and each pair would go camping for a couple of days, no communicating with anyone else for those two days. We weren't given a choice of who we paired up with, either. Human Resources allocated out partners, gave us our camping gear, and dropped us off at various secluded sites, telling us that we'd be picked up in a couple of days. By the time I got dropped off it was fairly late in the afternoon.
Strike one. I hated camping. Been there, done that, bearly survived, and I do mean 'bearly' as our camp-site was trashed by a bear. A bit too up close and personal with nature for my taste.
Strike two. I'd been paired up with Mary-Ann. We're assured that the pairing was purely on a random basis, the only criteria being that both people had to be of the same sex. I hoped that this meant that Andrew and Mark were paired up. One was a flaming, in-your-face, queer and the other was a rabid homophobe. They were polite at work but you could always feel the tension when they were around. Any-way, back to Mary-Ann.
She was not what you would call a woman's sort of woman. She seemed to loathe and detest every member of her own sex. Men she got on with very well. Very well indeed and I suspected that she knew every male member at the office intimately, if you get what I mean. Remember me mentioning someone else being exceptionally thick-headed? That would normally be Mary-Ann. If you wanted a proposal to get her endorsement it had better be presented by a man or no dice. She'd turn down a pay rise if a woman suggested it.
After we'd been dumped off we trekked over to our allocated camping site. I gave Mary-Ann a big smile and told her to pitch the tent.
"Why do I have to pitch it?" she demanded. "That should be your job."
"Really? Do you know how to cook over an open fire? No? Well I do and if you want a proper meal tonight go and pitch the fucking tent. I won't have time to do that and cook."
"I don't know how to pitch the stupid thing," she protested.
"Well, generally you start by reading the instruction," I told her, pointing to the instructions fastened to the bag the tent was in. "Reading instructions is always a good way to start doing something."
She glared at me and then threw an equally venomous look at the tent. Before she could start on me I got in first.
"Of course, we could always do without the tent," I said in a musing voice. As I saw her start to brighten up I zapped her. "It's unlikely a bear will come sniffing around but if one does it won't bother me because I'll have climbed a tree to sleep up there. I've done it before."
"Bears?" she asked, sounding nervous.
"We are in the woods," I said, waving at the trees. "Any bear will probably just be a black one. I don't think they have grizzlies here."
She must have heard the doubt in my voice because Mary-Ann decided that a tent would be just the thing to sleep in and started reading the instructions. I've never said that she was dumb, just thick-headed at times, and that was probably deliberate. She started going about putting up the tent in a business-like manner. I left her to it and started checking out our supplies.
I was gratified to find that HR had provided a small camp-stove and a pan which would make cooking a lot easier. I selected the things I wanted for the meal and started cooking.
By the time Mary-Ann had the tent up the meal was ready and I dished it up and called her over to eat. She looked at the camp-stove and looked at me.
"I thought you were going to cook on an open fire," she said.
"I was," I agreed, "but checking through the supplies I found that HR provided the stove. It seemed silly not to use it."
Dinner was a silent meal. After we'd finished I took the plates and things down to the creek I could hear nearby, and cleaned them. I know, it's a job we should share, but it was a lot faster to just do it myself. I might have a go at making Mary-Ann do them tomorrow.
By lunchtime the next day I was ready to strangle Mary-Ann. She knew nothing about camping and didn't want to know. Anything that had to be done meant that I'd have to do it or it wouldn't get done. She wasn't even game enough to walk down to the creek to get water, afraid of getting lost. On a trail that only went from our campsite to the creek. Give me a break.
After lunch I told her that I was going for a walk. She could come or stay, her choice. She chose to stay, which didn't greatly surprise me. I'd already done a little exploring of the area and I had no intention of going too far. Telling Mary-Ann to scream if she saw a bear I wandered off.
I hadn't been gone all that long before I heard her scream. I sighed and turned back towards the camp. Now I didn't for one moment think she'd seen a bear. A raccoon or a squirrel possibly. Both ferocious beasts, I'm sure, but not in the same category as bears. Still, one never knew. I had no intention of charging wildly into the camp to find myself face to face with a bear. There was another path that passed close enough that I could see into the camp to spot the problem without being seen and pounced on by a bear. I headed down that path.
