It took Helena a minute or two to notice that she was awake.
It was hard to tell. It really was. She felt utterly exhausted, worse than she had the time she'd helped some friends move. Her muscles ached. Everything felt stiff. Her eyelids felt like they were taped shut, and when she finally got them open, it made no difference, because all around her was pitch black. She could barely breathe beneath the sweltering blankets. It felt like being cocooned. She was pretty sure her dream had been something similar, but the latest dream was already dissolving into the background of her waking thoughts. She was remembering where she was.
Her jaw set. It had to be morning, or even noon. There was
no way
it was still night. She felt like she'd been sleeping for twelve hours.
And yet Helena felt
awful
. The hangover should have faded, and at least the headache was gone, but her muscles felt practically unresponsive. Maybe she still needed more...
No. No more excuses. Her cheeks burned as she recalled the scene she'd made of herself over the last night--her getting drunk, her coming on to Diane, her... masturbating in the guest bed.
It was humiliating. It made her want to curl up under the blankets and never move again. But if Diane was lying to her about the time... wasn't that much, much worse?
Helena's eyes drifted towards where she vaguely remembered seeing the curtained window.
She steeled herself. It would be so easy to stay under the covers, to wait obediently until Diane came back. And Diane had to come back sooner or later, didn't she?
But Helena didn't have her phone. And wouldn't Diane be at work by now? Helena couldn't afford to miss a whole day waiting for Diane to get back and take care of her.
She felt her cheeks redden beneath the covers. 'Take care of her'. This was all Diane's... damn fault! Professor Wood had given her the alcohol, hadn't she? She'd
known
Helena was... but
ugh
, Helena had said she could handle it.
Helena's fists clenched, nails digging into the thick blankets. Her palms felt slick with sweat. She knew some of this had to be Diane's fault. It
had
to be. But she couldn't remember any details of how exactly it... could be. Whenever Diane was around, she just talked over everything Helena tried to say, and Helena just wound up feeling stupid and paranoid, deflecting the responsibility for her own actions.
But Diane was lying to her about the time. That much Helena felt able to seize onto--it was definitely past morning by now, and Diane should have woken her up, and she hadn't. Helena felt groggy and sore in the way she usually did when she'd slept in way too late. Maybe a little worse than normal, but that was what happened when all you had was liqueur and warm milk for dinner and breakfast and maybe lunch.
Diane was lying to her about the time. Helena nodded to herself. That made sense. This whole situation wasn't Helena's fault. Diane was trying to trick her. To stall her.
But in order to prove it to herself... Helena had to get to the window.
She swallowed. Diane would be at work, if it
was
noon, as she suspected. That meant Diane couldn't stop her from leaving. Helena could walk right out the front door and walk straight to the Dean's office. Or... well, find her phone first. She must have left it in the dining room. Maybe she could call a ride, if she knew someone in town who could pick her up. Her roommate, maybe, although... no, Samantha definitely had classes right now. Could she afford a taxi?
She didn't know why it mattered that Diane wouldn't be home. It wasn't as if Diane could... stop her, could she? But Helena didn't want to face her. Helena couldn't behave herself around Diane.
Pathetic.
She squeezed her eyes shut. She could almost feel the tears in her eyes. Fuck, she'd
cried in front of her professor.
No, worse than that. She'd burst into tears while
in the arms of the fraud she'd come here to expose
.
A snippet of the conversation with Diane echoed unbidden in Helena's mind.
"But you didn't go to campus security. You came to me. Helena, why would you ever come to me?"
Her world felt heavy. The blankets were warm. Everything felt so... soft...
Her eyes shot open.
Fuck this.
She took a deep breath of hot, stagnant air and flung the impossibly heavy blankets off herself.
She actually yelped. It was freezing. Actually
freezing
. At least, it felt that way to her hangover-addled mind. Was she feverish? It would explain the aching.
Wouldn't that be something,
she thought irritably to herself.
All excited to catch her out, and you catch the flu on the big day.
Helena's body convulsed and shuddered as she sat up and pushed the rest of the weighted blankets off of herself. She hadn't totally lost her strength, at least. She clutched her chest--she was hardly dressed for the cold, especially in sweat-drenched clothes--and rose from the bed.
Her head swam. She clutched for the bedpost, and just in time, grasped hold. The vertigo was unbelievable. Fuck. Fuck. Maybe she
was
feverish.
She swallowed. If she was sick, she needed to lie down, didn't she?
No.
Her rational brain grabbed the idea and shoved it in the trunk of a car and drove the car off a cliff.
Absolutely the fuck not.
Diane was trying to stall her. Waste her time. What time was it by now? Eleven in the morning? Two in the afternoon? Fuck, it could even be four. Her whole internal clock felt ruined by too much sleep. And too much alcohol.
The vertigo subsided a little, though not completely. Helena took a deep breath, then testingly released the bedpost.
She didn't collapse.