I was just minding my own business, strolling along what I had assumed to be a deserted beach. It was a nice day and I had nothing that I really needed to accomplish so I was just bumming around.
I'd gone for a ride on my bike, spotted the sea between a couple of hills and detoured down a side track that led in that direction. Hidden behind those hills was a lovely little cove with warm golden sand, lapped by a gentle tide.
The area seemed totally deserted and there weren't any keep-out signs, fences or gates, so it seemed a reasonable assumption that it wasn't private property. I parked my bike inconspicuously and strolled along the shore, just relaxing and communing with nature.
I'd been strolling for about fifteen minutes when I spotted her. She was back in the dunes, lying where she could get good exposure to the sun. As a side effect, I was getting good exposure to her charms. She was topless, and in my opinion breasts like hers didn't need support and it would be a crime against mankind if she ever covered them.
Fortunately, at the current time she wasn't covering them. I considered it a pity that she was too prudish to drop the miniscule bikini bottom she was wearing, but you can't have everything.
At least, I can't. That young lady seemed to have everything, but that everything she had also included what I assumed was the boyfriend; a great ugly hulk lying on the sand next to her.
I didn't approach the pair, or even stare, although that was a damn sight harder where she was concerned. I just noted where they were so that I could be sure to pass somewhat closer on my way back. She, I idly noticed, was pointedly ignoring my passing, whereas the hulk was watching my every step.
Anyway, I continued on my way, getting some exercise, clearing my mind of any worries and generally relaxing. I'd almost forgotten about the lovely sunbather when I turned to make my way back towards my bike. Almost.
By an odd chance my meandering stroll back towards my bike took me deeper into the dunes. I wasn't worried about surprising the sunbathing pair, because I was making no attempt to be quiet. They should spot me long before I saw them and could cover up more if they so chose. I was actually whistling quietly as I strolled along.
When I did come across sunbathing beauty it was unexpected. By me, anyway. She'd shifted her position and I found I was going to pass a lot closer to her than I had expected.
Sunglasses are marvellous things. They let you examine things closely without appearing to be looking, and I assure you that I certainly took my time giving that lovely the once over. Unfortunately, she also had sunglasses, and although she was looking in my general direction I couldn't tell if she was watching me or not.
For some reason the hulk was no longer by her side. Being a mannerly type I nodded to her as I passed and said good afternoon. I might have added a comment about it being a nice day for sunbathing, but it wouldn't have mattered. She wouldn't have heard me over the screaming.
As soon as I said "good afternoon", my sunbather started screaming. I was startled, to put it mildly. I wasn't even walking towards her, but past her, so she couldn't have thought that I was coming on to her. And even if I had been, all she had to do was ignore me.
Next moment the hulk came running around the side of the dune and heading directly towards me with blood in his eye. It had to be a setup for some reason, as they'd both had ample time to see and hear me coming.
My little blonde sunbather was pointing at me and squawking and her boyfriend apparently intended to king hit me clean off the beach. Not wanting to damage his fists with my face I slid to one side as the hulk swung, resulting in him tripping over a foot I didn't get out of the way in time and doing a face plant.
I mean, really, it wasn't my fault. Neither the sunbather nor the boyfriend seemed to accept this however, and they were very vociferous in their comments.
She was screaming at him to make a mess of me. He was telling me just what he was going to do. I was backing up saying "hey, what?" and starting to feel a little narked at this unprovoked assault.
The boyfriend takes another big swing (and miss) at me and this time falls over his own damn feet. Tripped in the sand and did another face plant which he appeared to think was also my fault.
At that point, things took a turn for the worse. Cursing steadily, the boyfriend walked over to where blondie was sitting cheering him on, reached into his bag and pulls out a fucking blade. Would you believe it?
If I had had firm footing under me I probably would have just departed. With some haste, admittedly. With soft sand dragging at my feet, no way. One slip and that idiot would have been carving his initials on my back.
So while his idiot girlfriend cheered him on I waited for the hulk. He got within range and swung. I stepped inside the swing and nudged him between the eyes with my elbow, giving him a gentle hint that enough was enough.
Boyfriend reared back somewhat from that nudge and, as it was obvious that I was prepared to go on my way, I think if left to himself he would have called it quits at that stage. Instead, that damned sunbathing beauty was goading him to have another go at cutting me.
The next pass was very similar to the first. He slashed, I moved inside the blade, fending his arm off with a quick strike at the inside of his forearm and swinging my elbow. This time it connected with the point of his jaw. His coming forward at the same time helped and he just laid down flat on his back, out for the count and probably quite a bit longer.
I'm a peaceful man. I didn't look for this little contretemps. I'd just been strolling along and politely and said good afternoon to a likely lass who'd been sunbathing. The pair of them had no cause to jump me like that, especially with a knife.
He'd received his just desserts. Probably more than he was owed, but it seemed to me that if she hadn't been driving him forward he'd have quit after that first elbow to the face. I could see no reason why she should get off scot free and after all, to the victor go the spoils.
Blondie was staring at her boyfriend, yelling at him to get up. It didn't do her any good. He was taking a nice nap. By the time she realised this I was standing right next to her and it finally dawned on her that it might be wise for her to exit, stage left.