The situation I was in was quite normal for a single parent family. It was a Saturday afternoon and I had to be in two places at once. This is why baby-sitters were invented. I arranged for Kelly to come and sit with Jason for the afternoon while I shot through to my other appointment.
Kelly lives a few doors down. She's a pretty young woman, blonde, around nineteen or twenty.
Hopefully, I told her, I'd be back before his grandmother arrived to collect him. He was staying with his grandparents for a few days. If I didn't get back in time she'd find his bag already packed, sitting on the end of his bed.
I did get back in time. Not too much time, but I did beat my mother-in-law there. When I strolled into the house Jason came prancing up to me, a big smirk on his face. Kelly followed along, looking amused.
"Um, Dad, you've always said it's not nice to call people names, haven't you?" said Jason.
"I have," I said, nodding in agreement.
"And you said if you ever caught me calling people names you'd paddle my tush, didn't you?"
I agreed that threats along those lines might have been uttered.
"Then," said Jason with a rush, "you have to spank Kelly."
"Ah, precisely why do I have to spank Kelly?" I asked, looking at her thoughtfully.
"She called me names," said Jason smugly.
"I see. Just as a matter of curiosity, what did she call you?" I asked, watching Kelly blush.
"She said I was an evil-smelling fiend from the deepest hells," announced Jason proudly.
"And you remembered all that?" The kid had an excellent forgetery, but a curse like that he remembers?
"I asked her to repeat it slowly so I could learn it," Jason told me, plainly pleased with his foresight.
"Well, don't let me catch you using it on anyone," I told him. "One little thing. Why did she call you that?"
It was interesting to watch Jason's face fall and Kelly's smile broaden. Jason was now looking around, trying to latch onto some way to change the subject. He was lucky. There was the toot of a horn.
"Oh, look," he said, relieved. "It's Grandma. I'll get my bag."
With that he bolted to his bedroom while I opened the front door to admit his Grandmother. Jason came trailing back moments later, dragging his bag. He seemed in a hurry to depart. Apparently he didn't want to keep his Grandfather waiting for him to get there.
After waving Jason and his Grandmother off, I turned to Kelly.
"Evil-smelling demon from the deepest hells?" I asked.
"Fiend, not demon, and don't ask," she said.
I considered her thoughtfully for a moment.
"Tell me," I said, my curiosity evident. "Did this have anything to do with a big, black, hairy, spider?"
"God, no," Kelly responded. "He's still alive, isn't he? Let's just say that I don't like worms."
"Ah, so no spiders. That's interesting."
"What's so interesting about no spiders?" Kelly quizzed, plainly puzzled.
"It's just that the big, black, hairy, spider I mentioned is currently crawling up your t-shirt."
Kelly gave a small shriek and, looking down, failed to see anything.
"You rotten swine," she said. "I really thought there was one on me."
"Keep watching," I sighed. "It's about to come out from under mount boob."
Her eyes went wide and she looked down again, just in time to see two black, hairy, legs looking for a purchase on the upper side of her breast.
Have you ever seen how fast a young woman can take off a t-shirt. One moment she had one on and the next it was sailing across the room.
It's also amazing what women forget in times of stress. It was a hot day and the only company that Kelly expected to have was a small child. I didn't count as she would only see me for a minute or so after she arrived and before she left. Accordingly, she hadn't bothered with a bra. Not that she really needed one, I was forced to admit. Her breasts were standing quite firmly, although they were bouncing slightly as a result of her hasty movement. Fascinating things to watch.
"Don't just stand there," she yelped at me, staring at where her t-shirt had landed. "Do something."
So I did something. I reached out and stopped her breasts from bouncing. From the astounded look on her suddenly blushing face I'd have to say she'd totally forgotten about her lack of bra. Or maybe she was blushing because she now had a hand bra, my hands.
She hastily slapped my hands away, glaring at me.
"The spider, damn you," she hissed. "Do something about the spider."
Laughing, I strolled over and picked up the t-shirt. I could see the bump that was the spider moving around inside it, seeing it was now inside out. The poor insect was probably wondering what on earth had happened. Taking the t-shirt over to the window I shook it out, sending the spider out to play in the sunshine.