I laughed when someone suggested we play Seven Minutes in Heaven. I'm pretty sure that game is only played by teenagers in sitcoms to learn a lesson about respect or some stupid shit like that. But we were at an Omega Beta Zeta party and there were a lot of hot, easy girls around, so I thought it wasn't such a bad idea. I hadn't had any luck so far in picking up a chick, so why not?
"We're in!" I called across the room to the girl who had suggested it. I walked over with my buddies. "Who else is playing?"
"Not sure yet. Here's your card; when your number is called you go in the closet with your partner." The sorority girl gave me a three of spades. She was a "butterface:" hot body, but her face...
I surveyed the girls in the crowd with my friends. "Who do you like better, Big Tits Brunette or Nice Ass Asian over there?"
"Nah, I got my eye on Long Legs Ginger in the corner," my buddy replied.
"Nice." We fist bumped and chugged our beers. I was about to get another from the keg when I heard the butterface sorority girl call out "Number three? Who has card number three?"
"Yo, right here!" I yelled back. "Now who's the lucky bitch?"
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"Oh, great," I said to my friend as I rolled my eyes and looked down at the three on my card. I was hoping for a sweet, shy guy, or at least someone who wasn't a total douchebag. Whatever, I can go in there and make out for a couple minutes, I thought. No big deal.
I handed my drink to my friend. "See you in seven minutes," I said as I walked toward the coat closet where I would be stuck with an asshole. When I got there, Asshole looked me up and down, then called to his friend, "Nice, I got Big Tits Brunette!"
"Fuckin' sweet, dude!" His friend called back. Idiots.
"Let's get this over with," I said as I stepped into the closet. He came in behind me and closed the door, then turned me around so my back was against the door. He immediately grabbed the bottom of my dress and began to pull it up.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, pulling my hem back down. "Let's keep everything above the waist."
"What?" he asked, incredulous. He looked like a spoiled five-year-old who had been denied ice cream for the first time in his life. "You can't do that! I can do whatever I want with you!" He was dripping with male privilege.
"No, WE can do whatever WE want, as long as it's consensual. Let's just make out, I'll even let you feel my boobs." This seemed like a generous offer, but apparently he disagreed.
"Stupid cunt. Then suck my dick."
"No, I said above the waist. You really need to work on your prepositions."
"I've got a proposition for you: Suck. My. Dick. Now." He really was an idiot. No way I was going to put my mouth on his junk. I had a better plan.