The Neighbors
My neighbors are a bunch of losers.
The lady, Sandy, is a widow with two children -- a boy and a girl -- both grown up. The son still lives with his mom, and now over thirty has never had a job -- or a girlfriend. I don't know his name -- I just call him Deadbeat, even to his face.
The younger child, Diane, got a degree in accounting, but doesn't work as one. Instead she's a poorly paid manager for a small business. She's married to some guy named Matt who just lost his job. So they had to move back in with mom.
Matt looks to be in his late 20s, and Diane a couple years younger. Sandy just turned 62.
So four people, two dogs, and a bunch of semi-stray cats live in this big, old, falling-down, farm house (on which they still owe money). Diane has a job and Sandy works part time in childcare. Probably comes to about $800/week total. Hardly enough to cover booze and smokes for the two "men" of the house.
So one morning Sandy rings my doorbell and asks for a chat. I offer her a cup of coffee.
"Thanks, Jim. I appreciate it," she says, sitting down at the kitchen table. And we make small talk for a few minutes.
"Jim -- I need to ask a favor of you." She tries to stay calm. "I was wondering if you could lend me some money?"
"How much do you need?"
"Maybe $2000, though more would help."
My jaw dropped. I'd have expected something like $20, or maybe $100. "What do you need all that for?"
"My son has to pay restitution -- $500 per month. We're three months behind, and if we don't catch up they're gonna put him in jail." Despite her best efforts she started to cry.
I offered her a tissue while thinking through my options.
"How do you plan on paying me back?"
"Once we get caught up, we can have the restitution paid off in only six months. Then we can start paying you back. We'll pay interest." She looked at me for a response.
You gotta be kidding me
, I thought. "Sandy, honestly, there's no way you could ever pay me back. You're not asking for a loan. What you want is a gift. Sorry. No deal." I paused, thinking. "Is there something you can do for me that might be worth $2000?"
She looked at me desperately. "I can sell you my car?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "So there are at least three things wrong with that. First, you need the car to get to work. Second, that old clunker isn't worth two grand. And third, I don't need another car -- especially not that one."
Sandy stirred her coffee. Personally, I thought she'd be better off if she just let Deadbeat rot in the clink for a few months. "How long would he have to stay in jail?" I inquired.
"Probably two years. At least that's what the judge said when he was sentenced. The idea was he'd get a job and pay back what he stole."
I understood why the stoned dumbass was unemployable. I tried to think of a way I could help Sandy -- and myself.
An idea came to mind. "What about Diane?"
"What about Diane?" she repeated, uncomprehending.
"So Diane is a reasonably attractive young woman. I could make use of her."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"For starters, I could pay her $100 to spend a day cleaning my house. I can do that myself, but having a cute young lady do it for me will be more fun."
"A hundred bucks doesn't really help us any. I owe a thousand by next week, and another thousand the week after. And then $500 a month for six months after that."
"You owe it?" I inquired, curious. "I thought Deadbeat owed it."
"Technically he does, but he's got no way of paying."
"Doesn't look like you do, either. But Diane might. So the hundred is just the beginning. I'll pay her an additional $900 per week for personal services. That's a thousand dollars total for just one week. And I could see this gig lasting for three or four."
"Personal services? What's that?" Hope had faded from her voice, replaced by skepticism.
"Things like blowjobs and sleepovers and stuff," I replied as casually as possible.
She looked at me like she'd just discovered I was male. I guess the testosterone effect had never occurred to her. "You want my daughter to be a prostitute?"
"Actually, no. I'm hiring her for personal sex services. I won't be renting her out." Though even as I said that I thought of ways I could earn her a bit extra.
Sandy started bawling, too angry with me to accept the proffered tissues. "You're a pervert."
"Maybe. But I'm not gonna just give you two grand. And as far as I can see, the only asset you've got is Diane. So I'm trying to solve your problem. If you have any other ideas I'd like to hear them."
"You know that Diane's a married woman, don't you?"
I shrugged. In truth, cuckolding that dipshit husband of hers was part of the fun.
"So just what does 'personal sex services' mean?" she asked, thinking sensibly again.
"It means that Diane will fuck or suck me whenever I ask. She'll wear whatever clothes I want her to. She'll clean my house dressed any way I want her, or maybe not at all. She'll cook meals for me. I'll let her keep her job, and I won't ask her to do anything that gets her in trouble at work. I won't beat her up. But otherwise anything goes. I own her. For the whole week. And if we renew, then I get her for the next week."
"Let me talk to Diane after she gets home from work."
Maybe my offer wasn't quite blackmail, but close enough. If you define blackmail as
An Offer They Can't Refuse
, then I had them by the short hairs -- or whatever the female equivalent of that was. I even had a judge holding the gun to their head for me. How cool was this?
Actually, I'd never met Diane. I'd seen her walking out their door from a distance, but I didn't really know what she looked like. So I took a gamble that she'd be fuckable. She looked a bit chubby. In the worst case I was out a grand -- not all that much money in the scheme of things.
The next morning Sandy knocked on my door again.
"So I talked this over with Diane and Matt, and we agreed this is probably our best option. But Matt insists that we get at least $1,500 per week. And I think he's right. That'd get us out of the hole in a couple of weeks" She stared at me as if she had some bargaining power.
"Sorry, Sandy, but my offer is $1,000. No more than that. Take it or leave it."
If she was surprised that I'd walk away from the deal, she shouldn't have been. "Well, we might not be able to do it for that," she opined.
"Then there's no deal." I pointed to the door.
"How about $1,200? That's a compromise."
"Sandy, please don't waste my time," I said irritatedly. "The offer is for a thousand dollars a week. That's it. Either accept it or walk away. It doesn't matter to me what you decide. Look. I'm trying to help you out here."
"Alright. One thousand dollars. I guess we'll take it." She looked deflated. Complete capitulation -- it made my day.
I took ten, clean benjamins out of my pocket and held them on the table. "Where is Diane now?"
"She's at work. She gets home around 5:30."
"OK. Here's the deal. She rings my doorbell no later than six, wearing the same clothes she wore to work. She brings a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and a pair of house slippers with her -- no other luggage. And I'm going to feed her dinner, so don't let her eat anything before she gets over here.
"Can you promise me that?"
"I think so," said Sandy, hesitantly.
"You need to deliver," I said, sternly, while passing her the thousand bucks. "If you can't follow directions to the letter, then you'll never get another penny out of me. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Look, I just gave you a thousand dollars. That's worth some respect. Answer appropriately."
"Yes, Sir," said Sandy.
Diane
The doorbell rang at 5:42 pm. I opened it to a youngish woman, 5'4", dressed in washed blue jeans, with a reddish, pullover blouse. Clean, combed, dirty blonde hair fell to her shoulders. She wore newish, white tennies, along with a necklace and earrings.
Chubby wasn't quite the right word. More like stocky -- she had a fireplug figure. Losing a few pounds wouldn't hurt her, but she'd never look like a fashion model. The extra weight was all on her boobs and thighs, where it didn't look bad. Her arms and legs were muscular rather than fat. She was a girl who spent a lot of time outdoors.
This was the bitch I'd just bought.
"Come on in," I greeted, smiling. I noticed she carried a plastic bag with her. "What's in the bag? Let me see."
As directed, she brought a toothbrush, hairbrush, and slippers with her. She also smuggled in lipstick and bobby pins. I let her get away with it. I put the bag on the hall table.
"Are you hungry?" I asked.
"Yes, I am," she said, smiling nervously.
"Good. I hope you like hamburgers." I led her toward the kitchen. "There are a few ground rules about our relationship. One is you shall always address me as 'Sir.' Is that clear?" I looked at her sternly, albeit with a smile on my face.
"Yes, Sir," she said, still smiling.
I bade her to take a seat while I grilled up the cheeseburgers, got out the fixings, and prepared some fresh vegetables. I served it all with panache, using the nice dinnerware along with a good red wine. There were flowers on the table.
Halfway through dinner I started to lay down the law. "You will always answer your phone when I call. I won't call you when you're at work, but at any other time. Your phone might ring at 6pm, or 6am, or just after midnight. You will always answer it. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Sir."