Sam Stafford is a grouchy old man who lives up the road from us. Well when I say old, he's probably in his early thirties, but from the arrogant young age of eighteen, thirty is old. Especially the way he acts at times.
He does, I will admit, have a green thumb, and his garden has the best roses for miles around. Come spring he had an amazing display. That's partly what led to the trouble.
I'd been on my way home one evening and I was walking past his place. The roses smelled wonderful. As soon as I got home I nipped into the garage and grabbed mum's secateurs. Then it was back to Sam's garden.
I was quick. I snipped of about a dozen beautiful roses in no time at all. I was just reaching for one last rose when Sam came charging out.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you thieving little bitch," he bellowed, charging down the path towards me.
I didn't stop to explain. Explain what? I was caught red-handed. Or rose handed, anyway. I just gave him the finger and bolted, carrying my loot with me. Fortunately he didn't bother to chase me, although some blood-curdling threats came floating over the air.
Geez, I thought. All that fuss over a few roses when he's got hundreds. I was feeling quite resentful, and if I'd known a way to get at him I would have.
That was the frame of mind I was in when I was putting the secateurs away and my eyes fell on a can of spray paint, aptly coloured Rose Red. My brother had been using it on his bike. A high gloss enamel. Did I dare, I wondered? I did, I decided. Sam Stafford had yelled a few very rude things at me.
That evening I went back and used the spray paint to draw flowers and smiley faces all over Sam's car. Mean, I know, but he'd really got my goat. He might suspect it was me but he'd never prove it. I thoughtfully dropped the empty can in someone else's rubbish bin.
Heading to work the next morning I was freshly irritated to see that Sam's car was spotless. How, I wondered, had he been able to see the paint and how the hell did he clean it off so quickly? I made a note to ask my brother.
Arriving home that evening I was surprised when Sam rang the house asking for me. I thought he was probably going to have a go at me about the paint and the roses, so almost refused the call, but then I realised that he had no proof. All I had to do was deny everything and that would be the end of it.
"Good evening, Karen," Sam greeted me when I took the phone. "I was hoping that you might see your way clear to coming over later so that we could have a little chat."
"Oh, I don't think so, Mr Stafford," I said regretfully. "I don't see that we have anything in common to discuss."
"Really?" came a rather dry reply. "What about such subjects as roses and spray paint?"
"Neither of those interest me in the slightest," I said rather smugly.
"Hmm. How about closed circuit television, with night eye, full video recording and potential police reports?"
Oh my fucking god. I'd got so used to those silly little cameras on his house I'd forgotten all about them. Could they really see at night? I had no idea but a nasty feeling in my tummy said probably. It explained how he saw the graffiti early enough to clean it off. He probably saw me spray it on. I wondered why he hadn't barged out and caught me in the act.
"Um, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," I prevaricated.
"And I'm sure that you do. I'll expect to see you at eight. If you're not here I'll file an official police report and you can fight it out with them and good luck on that. They're hot on graffiti right now. So shall I expect you?"
"I'll be there," I muttered, cursing the man.
"That's good. Oh, you might want to bring a chaperon."
A chaperon? What century was this guy from?
"Why on earth would I require a chaperon?" I asked.
"To make sure I don't molest you when I put you across my knee and spank your bottom," came the reply, and the bastard hung up before I could react to that.
Spank me? Who did he think he was kidding? He wouldn't dare!
I was uming and ahing all evening, wondering if I had the nerve to go and front up to Sam and then wondering if I had the nerve not to go. Would he report me to the police or not? I wouldn't put it past him, I finally decided, which meant I'd have to go.
I fronted up at Sam's place right on eight. I was dressed to kill and I'm very attractive when I go all out, even if I do say so myself. He didn't even bat an eye, blast him. Was he gay as well as old and senile.
Sam escorted me into the front room and we both sat down. Looking at him sitting there it finally occurred to me that the early thirties isn't really all that old. And while Sam wasn't film start handsome, neither was he a gargoyle. And I'd never noticed all those muscles before.
"No chaperon?" he quizzed me.
"No. Nothing is going to happen that would require one."
"Really? Obviously I should have warned you that the spanking would be on your bare bottom," he drawled. "I see you have dressed for the occasion. A dress is so much easier to lift up compared to wrestling off a pair of jeans."
"Oh, come on," I protested. "All this fuss about a few roses and your car's not damaged. Why be so selfish about a few roses when you've got hundreds."
"Oh, perhaps because I may have hundreds of normal roses but only a few prize winning ones," he informed me. "Someone stripped a dozen of my best roses and now I'll have no entry to the flower show. Such a pity, isn't it?"
Prize winning roses. I hadn't even given the potential value of the roses a thought. They'd been pretty and so I picked some. He apparently saw the shock I felt, because he continued.
"You know, if a young lady had asked if she could have a few roses, I'd have picked out a nice bunch for her. As you say, I have hundreds. I'd have just made sure they weren't the ones scheduled to be taken to the flower show. Pity about that, isn't it.
Shall we address the issue of the car?"
"Um, yes, I was way out of line there," I admitted, eating humble pie. I had to do something because I was in more trouble than I'd expected. How was I to know he showed his roses?
"Damn right you were. If I hadn't spotted you at your mischief and got out there with some WD40 that paint would have ruined my panels. If that had happen it could have cost up to ten thousand to get a quality repaint job. I suspect that both the insurance company and the police would have been having discussions with you about it. You may thank me for acting quickly and hauling your ass out of a shitload of bad news."
Ten thousand dollars to repaint a car? Was he kidding me? He was looking at me and nodding his head.