It was Christmas Eve. Another big argument with his wife, Mona. Another night spent in Mulligan's bar on Maine drinking beer and shooting pool with his friend, Harry.
John Morgan had been married to Mona for nearly ten years and whatever sparkle there had been in the beginning had definitely faded. Mona was a damn good name for her, John liked to think at moments like this, moan, moan, moan!
As he tipped the remnants of his fourth beer down his throat, John looked at his watch: 11.40pm. He'd been out for nearly three hours.
"Time for me to get going, Harry." He called to his friend on the other side of the pool table. Harry had also had four beers and looked a little wrecked. "Guess we'd better leave the car here, Harry and walk home, yeah?"
Harry had been lining up his shot now for some time; drunkenly checking and re-checking the angle. He held up a hand to silence his friend for a moment, indicating his concentration. He drew the cue back and played the shot. He missed by some margin.
"Shit!" he exclaimed angrily and tossed the cue onto the table. "Fuckin' stupid game anyway!"
The evening air was warm and muggy as the two friends meandered their way drunkenly home.
"So what is it with you and Mona, then John? You had another fight?"
"Bitch has been running round on me again!" John replied. "This time with my junior assistant at work, if you can believe that! He's young enough to be her son. She's turned into a real fucking slut. I think, by now she must have fucked everyone I know - apart from me of course!"
Harry looked at John sideways. "Not me either, man. She hasn't fucked me! But it has to be said, John, She's a good looking woman."
"Ah, I don't care anymore." John slurred resignedly. "You're all welcome to the little bitch! Here, lets take a short cut across the park."
As the two friends walked, sobering slowly, the dim lights of the park cast eerie shadows across the grass. As they neared the north corner exit, one of the lamps appeared to flicker, it's yellow sodium beam switching itself on and off with irregular hesitancy. Approaching the streetlight, they could hear a small voice from the shadows.
"Fuck! Fuck! Work, you stupid fucking light, why won't you stay on! Fuck you!"
The voice, though obviously male, seemed to small and squeaky to have come from an adult, but surely, thought John, no child would speak like that!"
"You hear that?" asked Harry in a whisper.
The unseen owner of the voice now seemed to be getting more angry and was kicking the metal pole of the lamp viciously.
"What's going on?" called John, surprised at how loud his voice sounded in the still night air.
"Mind your own fucking business!"
John and Harry were slightly taken aback by the ferocity of the reply. "Hey, no need for that," said Harry. "We're only asking."
After only a few seconds silence, the small figure emerged from the shadows. Harry and John almost burst out laughing when they saw the figure. Dressed all in green and standing no higher than three feet tall, the man looked faintly ridiculous and not what they had expected to find at all.
"What are you fucking staring at shit-heads!" The small man's verbal assault continued
"Hey, cut the crap, you little dwarf!" John spat. "You this fucking nasty to everyone?"
"I'm not a fucking dwarf, I'm an elf, dick-head!"
The two friends could contain their mirth for no longer and both exploded into loud, belly aching laughter.
"So what's so fucking funny? You never seen an elf before?"
John wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. "Sorry, man....no, I guess we must have both missed that! Except when we last saw Santa Clause!"
Again, the laughter erupted, tears streaming down both of their faces. The elf looked angrily back at them.
"And don't get me started on THAT guy, either! The bastard! I work for that fat piece of shit, I was a good elf, too until he reassigned me here! Jeez, You fuck ONE damn reindeer!"
John and Harry were now in fits of apoplexy. "Ah, c'mon, guy's! Give me a break, it's not THAT funny!"
"Oh, sorry, man! Gasped John between fits of coughing laughter. "So, what are you doing here?"
"Here? I'm supposed to be a sentinel. This lamp is very special - if it ever fucking works!" He kicked it again and the sodium glare flickered but quickly died again. "The first person to walk under the lamp on Christmas Day is supposed to get one wish - it's a Christmas thing!"
John looked at his wrist watch: 3 minutes past midnight.
"Well that must be me then. It's gone twelve so it must be Christmas Day! Anyway, I thought all this sort of thing was supposed to be three wishes, not just one!"
"You never heard of cut-backs? We can't afford to go around giving out three wishes to every fucker that comes along! Takes a lot out of an elf, you know - granting wishes."
He kicked the lamp-post again. This time the light came on and stayed. The three men were bathed in a cool yellow glow.
"Aha!" cried the elf triumphantly, "that's fixed the bastard!"
For a moment he seemed lost in thought.
"I suppose, technically you're right." he continued. You were the first under the lamp on Christmas Day, so I guess I should give you your wish. Oh, fuck it! Why not, get it over and done with and I can get back to the hot little pixie that's waiting for me at home. Trust me, you guys haven't lived until you been sucked off by a pixie!" He chuckled to himself. "Okay, come on then, what's the big wish?"
All this had taken John and Harry a little by surprise to say the least, but John was intrigued. He thought for a moment before answering.
"I wish my wife would do exactly what I said for a whole day!"
The elf opened up a small hand-book and began flicking through pages. "Um...yes...yes...I think we can do that, it's under the section on Bitch Wives, I think. Yes! Here it is - getting quite popular this section! Now, what do I have to say....oh, I don't know, er....Abra-fucking-cadabra! There, that should do it. So long shit-heads! Hope you enjoy yourselves!"
For a moment, everything went black. A tremor shook through John's body and then he opened his eyes. He hadn't really been aware that they were closed. The street-lamp was flickering again and the two friends were once again alone. The elf had vanished as surely as if he had never existed.
"Jeez, what was all that about?" asked Harry
"I dunno, but I think I need a big drink - c'mon Harry, I got a bottle at home. Let's go!"
Neither Harry or John were completely sure what had happened as they walked in to John's house ten minutes later. Both were still wondering if they had imagined the whole thing. John poured drinks for them both and they sat in the lounge in silence.
"John?"
"Yeah?"
"You know the wish you made? You think....I mean, do you suppose?.....No, I guess not, just forget it!"