All characters in this story are 18 years old or older.
I followed him to his seat with my eyes. He was wearing black combat boots and the left boot - the very large left boot- had trod in mud. It was gray with dried mud along the edge of the sole. I began to tremble.
I tried to study Rodrigo without being obvious about it. Those two were tight, clearly long time friends. Both were quite handsome but Rodrigo was beautiful. Tall and lean and dark. Leon had the muddy boot. What might identify Rodrigo as one of the rapists? Had he fucked me too?
I had to be sure. At two P.M. on the dot I got up and handed out my graded essays. I meant to say something to Leon about his paper, about his disengagement in class...about anything! But when I got to him I could smell him, his now familiar scent, and I felt dizzy. His coffee and cream skin glowed. My hand quaking, Leon's paper vibrating in my grip, I handed him his essay and teetered standing there. I felt like I was going to pass out. I reached out to steady myself and my hand landed on his shoulder. The young man looked up at me, poker faced. Touching him was electric.
Now I knew from his personal odor that Leon had been one of the three who'd attacked me. But I couldn't figure out how to check out Rodrigo. It wasn't like I could turn to him, ask him to spread 'em and sniff his crotch like a butt sniffing dog.
I did it anyway. I mean, no, I didn't demand he drop trou and let me nuzzle his genitals. I mean, I leaned down close to hm and placed his paper on his desk. Yeah. I knew that smell. My brain reeled and I know it was obvious that I swayed.
I was immediately embarrassed. How did they have this effect on me? Christ, the entire class was staring at us, at me. Okay, maybe not but I felt like I was naked in class. I steeled my nerves to walk back to the podium. Instead of standing I pulled out the stool with shaking hands and managed to perch on top of it. The stool out in the open was a poor choice. I should have sat behind the podium. I could feel my knees weaken and looked down at them. I'd worn a short skirt and my legs were spread to steady myself on the stool, flashing the whole classroom. Get ahold of yourself, girl.
I laughed nervously and slid down off the stool. I shoved it behind the podium and leaned on the edge of it this time. "I just can't get settled today." I said aloud, managing a nervous laugh, and began to discuss the essay I'd assigned. My students seemed bored, as usual. Maybe my unease wasn't as obvious as it felt. I spent the hour talking about nothing. I marveled that the class was behaving normally, as if they didn't notice my discomfort. I was afraid that if I didn't kept talking I'd have a panic attack. Those bastards! I was now angry with myself for letting them get to me. I had been so calm and pragmatic about the attack and at the first sight of the men who'd assaulted me I went to pieces.
Well, really, what did I expect?
I toyed with the idea of asking them to stay after class but couldn't think of a pretext. Should I confront them? Should I invent some fake premise and cooly talk with them as if nothing had happened, as if they couldn't get to me? But they had got to me. They'd had me, just a day ago. They'd done what they wanted with me. I wasn't the guilty one. I realized I was an idiot. Neither Leon nor Rodrigo gave a shit what I thought or how I felt. Leon particularly met my eye every time I looked at him. Confronting him would prove nothing and pretending I had ice water in my veins might backfire on me. I might cry. I did not want him to see me cry.
Rodrigo on the other had was inscrutable. It could have been any ordinary day.
My phone alarm dinged and I stood up. "Have a good weekend, people. See you Monday." I shuffled and gathered papers that didn't need gathering. Instead of using notes I'd improvised the day's lecture, made it up as I went along. I felt I'd achieved a small victory. I had got through it.
Leon didn't even look my way as he walked out. He and Rodrigo were talking to each other and ignoring me. It made me angry, in a way. They'd fucked me. How could they fuck me and just walk away, not even looking at me?
I stopped by the office and bumped into David there. We made small talk and he asked if I had plans for tonight. He looked at me hopefully and it dawned on me that he wanted to ask me out. David was a sweet guy, quite good looking and fun to hang out with but I wasn't ready for that. Not now especially.
"I'm hanging out with a couple of girlfriends, David."
"Any place special or just winging it?"
"Just winging it." I felt bad. I could see the disappointment on his face. David was a really sweet guy. Why hadn't he asked me two days ago? I'd have said yes. Why had I refused his offer of a ride? I'd have been safe in his car.
"Well have a grand time, Ellen. Behave yourself, now." He tried to joke to cover the letdown. Keep it light. Idly I wondered if he was hung and I glanced at his crotch when he was't looking. I couldn't tell. His slacks were loose. No telltale bulge there. Why had I done that? Suppose he'd caught me looking?
I walked home, again passing the copse of Russian olive. The footprint was still there, just a couple of feet off the edge of the sidewalk. I hurried on. It would look weird if I was regularly visiting that little cove. It was weird. Like Miss Marple searching for clues.
I looked back down the path toward the school. Was that Leon in the distance? His back was turned to me. It looked like him but he was too far away. Leon was talking with a couple of other guys and one was gesturing animatedly with his arms. The other then looked my way. That was Rodrigo I was certain. Were those three Leon's partners in my assault? I kept walking, quickly but not running.
At home I kicked off my shoes in the bedroom and stripped off for a shower. Again I stood there until the water began to cool. I'd have to ask the landlord about a new water heater. I pulled on my thick terrycloth bathrobe and sat at the kitchen table working on my lesson plan for Monday, and outlining a plan for the week. By five thirty I was hungry. I did a search of the fridge and the pantry and was not inspired by the results. Pizza sounded good. It was Friday night. A pizza delivery might take an hour or more.
I called Benito's and ordered a large meat lover's pizza. And breadsticks. That was more than I could eat but I could save some of it for tomorrow and hole up in my house for the weekend. I felt...what? Safer there? I didn't want to go out. I had no interest in drinking in a bar or dancing in a club. People is what I wanted to avoid. Maybe in a week or two, but not now. I'd thought I was handling the attack in a rational and sensible way but seeing Leon and his muddy boot had unsettled me. I was lucky I'd got through it without further embarrassing myself. Thinking that made me angry again.
I fell asleep in front of the TV and woke up to the sound of pounding on the front door. The pizza, I remembered. It was six forty five. I paid the delivery man, a skinny acne scarred kid who looked me up and down hopefully. His name tag said Evan. I was nude under my robe and I felt naked with him inspecting me. No, Evan, this isn't going to be the porn version of the lonely woman fucking the pizza boy because she doesn't have any money. The fucker was practically drooling. I was curt and didn't smile at him.
I balanced the pizza box and closed the door. I didn't have to be such a bitch. No, damnit! I wasn't a bitch. It was just a fucking pizza delivery. I wasn't obligated to be effusive about it. And I wouldn't fuck Evan on a bad day. I was suddenly aware of how surreal that brief encounter was in my mind. A pizza delivery fraught with post traumatic angst. Poor Evan. Poor Ellen.
I put the pizza box on the coffee table and grabbed a bottle of Lambrusco and a wine glass. The bottle was half full but still drinkable. I browsed Amazon for a movie. "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo". Another rape movie. I started it and tucked into the pizza. After two pieces I was done. I hadn't been as hungry as I thought. Pausing the movie I carried the pizza box to the kitchen and set it on the table instead of sticking it in the fridge. I might want more later.
