This is a slow burn romance series that contains femdom, humiliation, and non-consensual themes.
Chapter 18
There's a saying in life that people can either be 'book smart' or 'street smart.' When it comes to evaluating my own intelligence, I can humbly admit I fit the criteria of being 'book smart.' 'Street smart,' however... I don't like that term in general.
To me, the terms 'street smart' implies that you can keep yourself safe when the odds are against you. I believe that is reserved mostly for people who face actual danger. In my opinion, the type of people who normally use that terminology are just saying it to make themselves feel better for not being committed to their academic careers.
On the subject of love, however, I know I'm the last person to provide a valued opinion, but I believe neither of these smarts really portray what you need to handle relationships. It's like an art form of its own, with all kinds of secret codes that you may or may not learn, depending solely on your experience. Most importantly, the difficulty of seeing things clearly when you're the one having your emotions influenced by attractive people, both physically and personally, is unlike any other phenomenon this world has to offer.
That was the tough predicament I found myself in, with not one, but two women in my life.
I don't feel I need to rehash the importance Tina served, being the first woman to ever outright choose me after a lifetime of self-pity and doubt. Sure, it wasn't the perfect relationship, and we didn't spend time with each other as much as I wanted. But, to this point, she was the only woman who had ever been willing to announce to the world that I was her boyfriend and she was my girlfriend.
Julia, on the other hand, gave me quite the tumultuous experience growing up; one that I also feel is not worth rehashing. She was my bully in the past, but unlike Tina, she provided me many of the physical interactions I was looking for in a relationship, even outside of sex.
Unfortunately, after Valentine's Day, the time I felt our bond was the closest, Julia practically disappeared from my life again, at least for a few weeks. She would respond to my texts every now and then, but I could feel through the letters on the screen that she didn't really want to talk to me.
I knew I had no right to feel jaded by her lack of communication. After all, I had a girlfriend, so I completely understood why Julia chose not to speak with me. However, after the romantic night we had on Valentine's Day, I couldn't help but wonder if she had just chosen to spend it with me because she herself didn't want to feel lonely on such an important day.
Ever since that night, the warmth I felt for Julia when we kissed into the morning hours was slowly replaced with guilt. Whether I felt I was justified to do so or not, these were not the type of rules I thought a real man would live his life by. Even if my girlfriend had been cheating on me with Romeo, I believed there were other actions necessary instead of simply getting revenge with the same action.
Oddly enough, Tina had been overwhelmingly pleasant with me since that night, making me feel even more guilty. She even apologized for her behavior on Valentine's Day, explaining that she was just going through some drama that she wasn't ready to talk about yet.
I, in return, apologized for putting pressure on her and possibly making the situation worse. I felt pathetic for apologizing to her, considering she might have been cheating on me, but I definitely was cheating on her, so she deserved some sort of apology, nonetheless.
In no time at all, we went back to our ways, spending time together, not only for studying but also just to hang out. Of course, not everything felt natural with her, as we obviously had different interests. However, just going to a coffee shop with her or holding hands with her as we walked to class was more than enough to make me happy.
Despite the secrets I held from her, as well as the secrets she possibly held from me, I enjoyed that we could at least talk about our feelings. Julia and I were far from open books to each other, but I could read some of her feelings through her confusing actions. However, it would have been nice if we could just talk the way Tina and I did.
Unfortunately, despite being able to have a clear perspective on my relationships, I was still having trouble with my insecurities. Someone like me, a cheater, had no right to feel insecure when I was hiding my own skeletons. However, I still couldn't help but wonder what Julia and Tina were doing when they weren't with me.
First of all, I could read through Julia's actions all I wanted, but I truly had no idea what I meant to her. Sure, she found me important in some sort of way, but the Lord only knew how many guys she was giving the same treatment.
Even the blind could see that she was way out of my league. She could have any guy she wanted because she was interesting, athletic, and absolutely stunning. I'd be dumb to think I was the only one she was seeking attention from.
Tina, on the other hand, despite not being as attractive as Julia, was also out of my league. In her case, however, there was one person I had penciled in who was potentially giving her the attention that I wasn't allowed to give. And though I hadn't caught them texting each other secretly in a while, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with her and Romeo.
Outside of moral standards, I couldn't blame Tina for seeking attention from a man like Romeo. He had several traits that I just didn't stack up to. He was tall, good-looking, charming, and most importantly, fun to be around. He was everything I was not, and that's what made me so insecure.
Oddly enough, I ended up running into him one day. It was one of the only times I had seen him since he switched majors, leaving him on the other side of campus for the majority of his time.
There was a big smile on his face when he saw me, like he often had. While I cringed at the idea of talking to a potential rival for my girlfriend's affection, he seemed to think it was no big deal, either because he actually liked me or he just saw me as a non-threat.
What made the interaction strange, however, was that it was one of the few times he and I talked to each other without Tina being there. She was in class, and I was just walking around campus, trying to clear my mind. It gave me the opportunity to confront him about their relationship... in the most fragile way possible.
He asked me how things were going, and after some meaningless back and forth, I decided to bring up my concerns about Tina. Instead of attempting to call him out, however, I just kept it centered around my insecurities, explaining, "Sometimes I don't know how Tina really feels about me..."
An uncomfortable look came over his face, but he seemed concerned about my well-being instead of me calling him out. "What do you mean, buddy?"
"I mean, sometimes I don't think she's that into me," I expressed, telling the half-truth. Then, in as bold of a move as I could have ever hoped to pull off, I asked, "Does she ever talk to you about me?"
Immediately, he waved his hand at me as if to deny any accusations. "Whoa, man! I sort of stopped talking to her ever since I switched my major to business. I doubt she has told me anything she hasn't told you."
Somehow, I persisted on, despite probably shaking in front of him. "I've seen her text you before... Are you sure she hasn't said anything about me?"
"No, no! It's not like that at all!" he said, brushing my concerns off. "We used to text here and there when I first changed my major, but recently, we haven't been talking much at all."
As he said that, I confirmed in my mind that I hadn't noticed her messaging him in a while. I hate to admit it, but I found myself checking over her shoulder quite often, trying to see if they were secretly messaging each other again.
Despite the reassurance, I still didn't feel much better for some reason. Putting my head down, I let out a sigh before expressing, "I'm sorry if that came off weird."
"Oh, you have nothing to worry about," he said, patting me on the shoulder. Then, with a sigh of his own, his voice lowered a bit before explaining, "You have nothing to worry about... because... she's really into you..."
Immediately, my eyes lit up, and I turned my head and looked at him. "Are you serious?!"
"Yeah, she only speaks positively of you," he affirmed, looking slightly discouraged for some reason. "She always talks about how smart you are... and that you're going to become a great engineer. She thinks very highly of you... in ways that she doesn't think of... other guys..."
It's not that I was fishing for compliments or anything, but I couldn't help but be curious how she could possibly think more highly of me than other guys. "Does she really think that way about me?"
"Yeah... She's always going on and on about how much money you're going to make someday..." he said, pausing for a moment before putting the smile back on his face. "You're her boyfriend, after all! And that's all that matters, okay?"
From there, our conversation didn't last much longer. We both talked about our plans for the day, most of which was a bunch of nothing. Then, as we said our goodbyes, I was left so encouraged that I finished my walk with a smile on my face.
Sure, I understood that there were red flags with women bringing up money when they spoke about men. However, I could also see the positive from that, since that symbolized success and hard work as well.
What was most important was that he assured me that I was her boyfriend and that she only had positive things to say about me. It's not that I felt I needed to one-up anyone, but the idea of her speaking highly about me to other men felt like the rare victory I needed in our relationship.
There were things in her life that I just didn't understand, but nowhere near the level of Julia. For the first time in as long as I could remember, however, I felt encouraged to not worry about me since she supposedly thought so highly of the few positive attributes that I possessed.
Surprisingly, as soon as Romeo left, Tina made her appearance, calling out my name as she waved me down with her hand. Lately, she had been happy to see me, but on this particular day, she seemed to be in an even better mood. And after talking to Romeo, I was feeling more confident than ever.
"Hey, Phillip!" she called out, showing excitement in her voice.
"Oh, hey, Tina! You're out of class early."
"Yeah, we had an exam today! And guess what I got!"
"Judging by your excitement, I'm assuming you did well."
"You're assuming correctly!" she said with a cheerful smile. "I actually got an A!"
I had almost forgotten that she had a test that day since this wasn't normally one of the classes I walked her to and from. However, after all the studying we did together, I wasn't surprised that a smart girl like her would do so well on her exam.
Not to try to outshine her or anything, but I decided to share my own good news, seeing as we both took academics so seriously. "That's so great! I'm proud of you! I actually got a hundred on one of my engineering exams earlier today."
"Are you for real?!"
"Yeah, it looks like all that studying we've been doing is really paying off."
"Oh, Phillip, you're so smart!" she said, boosting my ego even more than Romeo did. "We should totally celebrate!"
