On a grey desolate day in February, my thoughts drifting out of control down a horrible white water ride of despair, grief and pain overwhelming my senses. Curled up in plaid pajama pants, on my couch with a paperback book open in my lap. My dark hair piled I top of my head in a messy bun, my soft pale skin heated as I recollect the steamy dreams I had the night before. These dreams have turned into my only form of escape from my memories and regrets. A glowing blush heat my cheeks as my mind suddenly remembers the way his hands felt on my skin, his rough calloused fingers holding my wrists above my head as he took what he desired of my body.
Curling my feet underneath me as I sink deeper into the couch pulling a a velvet blanket over my icy legs. I attempt to focus once more on the pages filled with sensual words laid out before me, normally reading would take me on a magical ride away from my thoughts. I turn a page back again as I realize I hadn't actually paid any attention to the last 10 paragraphs. The description of an innocent lady discovering how different she was from the other women her age was lost on me in that moment. Though I could relate to this heroine easily, I didn't desire the polished men of today's society. I had always desired a rake of sorts, a rebel, both strong and willful. A man who took what he wanted without regard, the lord of both my dreams and my nightmares.
I stretch my legs back out beginning to wriggle my toes against the blanket to work some warmth back into them. I was way too stubborn to pull on socks. I didn't want to cover the beautiful tattoo on my foot, for every time I stretched my foot or moved my toes I could watch the wings of my butterfly dance and flutter. Bending down stretching my back while lightly grazing my fingers down my leg. I begin tracing the slightly embossed stark black of her wing, I found I could stroke the lines for hours reveling in the sensations shooting through my body. Something about the feeling was like a jolt straight up to the nerve center of my body, causing passion to ignite a swift fire through my body. As I lift my featherlight touch from my skin, despair overtaking me once again as I slowly came back down to reality, once again knowing I wouldn't feel a sexy rough touch against the lines of each of my tattoos, that no devastatingly hot lord would ever find me beautiful enough to take me the way my body craved. That no touch would distract me from the loss I felt, my Monster only 2 and a half years old was gone forever. There wouldn't be enough strength in any man to disrupt my mind and remind me that life will go on that I would feel happy again one day.
A sigh wrenched from my chest, realizing that I need a vacation I pull out my phone quickly writing an email to my boss explaining that I had caught up on all the work that would need to be done for the next 2 weeks and that I would be out of cell reception. I needed a vacation before I snapped or let the grief I felt overtake me.
I searched for a deserted island, someplace that I could be alone with my thoughts, a place that I wouldn't feel like an ugly duckling amongst the beautiful swans of today. A place that I could step naked into a pool, without worrying about what the wafer thin women were thinking about my large soft body.
Perfect. I found it; a private Mediterranean island for rent. Scrolling down to the description there was plenty of fresh water, fruit trees growing wild, a mystical forest with a waterfall and large enough pool to swim in nestled in the middle. My oasis. I dialed the number before I gave up, too scared to do it.
After speaking with the gentle mannered man who owned the island I knew it was just what I needed, I booked a connecting redeye flight that would get me there early the next morning. The first sense of excitement I had felt in months bursting through my body, I jumped up from the couch practically running to my closet. I threw my suitcase open grabbing the lightest clothes I could. My fingers closing on a few chiffon skirts, a couple tank tops, towels, a bikini, and some undergarments. The southern gentleman had explained there were no buildings on the island that I would need to bring a large hammock if I wanted to sleep comfortably. He had questioned whether a city girl like me could handle a 2 week stay with no electricity, cell reception, Internet or running water. I snapped, "I can do anything I put my mind to and I plan on finally getting away!" My tone said it all, don't argue with me, I need this.
His deep laughter at my comment and tone had an effect on me I couldn't understand at the time. He had explained that the water plane would land close to the island, dock justly get enough to unload and would pick me up again at the end of the 2 weeks. I would be on my own until it's return. He sounded shocked when A slightly crazed giggle burst through the telephone exclaiming that it would be just what I needed.
I arrived at the airport with more than enough time before my flight, to have a late yet civilized meal before I would be scavenging fruit trees for all my meals. I decided to sit down at the restaurant in the gate area and have my favorite, a grilled chicken ceasar salad for dinner. As I stepped into the busy airport restaurant I could hear someone whisper to her friend, "Oh my god, do you think she realizes that she looks like a whale?"
My heart plummeted in my chest and felt like a popped balloon, I had finally felt truly excited and somehow this strange girl had taken it away from me. Slowly eating my salad I couldn't help but focus on how different I truly was from that beautiful girl. Her hair the color of gold, mine the color of wet soil in a garden. Her eyes a clear piercing blue, while mine changed from a burnt gold to nearly black depending on my mood. Her willowy frame against my lumpy one. Even her her clothing looked happy to be wrapped around her perky lithe body.
Looking down at myself I saw myself. Wearing a knee length floating blue striped skirt that tightened and accentuated my round bottom, I ran my hands down over my thighs I recognized that they were much too thick, my legs shorter than I wished them to be. I looked at my slightly tight top. I could see my stomach was too large, fat even. Though the scoop neckline advertised the one thing I had that was better than those beautiful girls, my breasts, large and inviting, soft milky pillows high on my torso. I glanced at my spoon looking into my face, high cheekbones gave me an air of fragility, my large dark brown eyes lined with even darker lashes. A pink blush blossomed against my skin. I had an okay face in the right light and angle. I watched the people in the restaurant more closely while savoring the acidic ceasar covered lettuce. With each bite I reminded myself to enjoy it for I wouldn't have anything like it for 2 weeks. I checked my phone for the time, I didn't want to be late for my flight. I gulped down the ice water the waiter had provided before paying and dashing to my gate just as my flight began boarding. The sweet gate agent looked at me smiling as she saw my delicate butterfly tattoo, "Love your ink miss." She whispered as I boarded the flight, she had no idea but that small compliment had made my day. I sat down in my window seat smiling once again as I settled in for my long flight across the continent.
Before I knew it we were landing, the flight attendant walked up to me and explained how I would find the harbor to catch my next flight. Excitement taking over my exhausted body, I had no idea how the red eye flight would affect me when I had bought my ticket. I was absolutely exhausted but I was almost there, a place where I wouldn't have to cringe from my body as someone looked upon me with disgust in their eyes, a place that I hoped my healing would begin.
Once on board the tiny water plane I relaxed slightly as we soared above the aquamarine water, over the clouds toward my happy place. The captained explained that we would be landing shortly we would unload on the wooden dock quickly and then he would be off. Of course he would be back to pick me up at the end of the 2 weeks at dusk. As we approached the island I realized it was both bigger and smaller than I had anticipated, it seemed to have a small mountain and a larger forest than I had imagined it would have. I thought to ask an essential question, "Are there any predators on the island?"
"No m'dear you will be very safe here." He drawled, "nothin' here will hurt such'a purty lady such as yourself."
My fears appeased as I stepped onto the dock, my flip flops slapping against the wooden planks. I turned just as the captain began readying the plane for takeoff, I smiled wide and waved. Walking toward the beach I took in the amazing view of forest, white sand beach, and water surrounding it. I ran with my suitcase thumping and rolling behind me, I dropped the handle as soon as my toes hit the sand. Dropping to my knees I let out a small squeak before laughter bubbled over. I couldn't believe I made it here.
Lifting the handle once more I dragged the suitcase toward the forest needing to look around the island before deciding where to set up my hammock for the night. I trailed toward the forest in front of me wandering in search of water. I would set up near a stream I decided, someplace in the forest where my mind could be at rest, I didn't need anything fancy here, all I needed was 2 trees to set up my hammock and a space nearby that I could see the stars.
Glancing up as I entered the forest I noticed the canopy filtered the light, changing its hue to a gentle green glow. I felt like I was home, bending to slip off my sandals so I could feel the soft moss between my toes I could almost hear a groan on the gentle breeze. The fresh moist air feeling making me happy for the first time in months. Stepping carefully over tree roots, delicate flowers and stones struggling with my rolling suitcase. I walked for a short time before I came across a small shallow freshwater stream. Deciding this was as good a place as any to set up camp. While digging through my suitcase to find my hammock it felt as though there were eyes on my back, I shook it off as impossible. Tying the hammock to the trees turned out to be slightly more challenging than I had thought but with stubborn determination I set up my little camp. I had a small table fashioned out of a stump, my suitcase propped against a tree and my hammock in the middle. I swayed slightly as I tested it out leaning back I discovered that it was the best possible bed I had ever felt. Instantly I fell asleep in the late afternoon. I slept better than I had since Monster passed, the jungle sounds my lullaby.
