Pure sunlight streamed through the large windows and beamed down on Nadinne. Her golden hair glowed like some kind of halo. She was an angel. I couldn't begin to imagine that his hands touched her like that. I became emotional to the thought. My sister had her faults but she was my big sister. Were his hands just as rough with her as they were with me?
"Nadinne?" my voice was meek, filled with so much guilt. It ate away at my mind. "Sister's truth."
Nadinne stopped paging through a travel magazine with a tropical beach on the cover and paid full attention to me. Sister's truth was our way of confession. Whenever something went wrong, we confessed to each other and promised never to lie. It was our pact as sisters. We never lied or told anyone else of what we talked about.
Sadness bubbled inside me and threatened to boil to the surface. I inhaled all the strength that I could find. "Has Yurik done anything to hurt you?"
Her head tilted in confusion. "No." She said convincingly.
"Say it."
She held my hand tightly. I almost burst into a million pieces. "Sister's truth. Yurik has never hurt me in any way." Her eyes reassured me, but not all of me believed her. "Why do you ask that? I thought you guys finally got along."
It was two days after my almost-overdose at the club. Yurik and I kept our distance after I thanked him the next morning. We kept it from Papa. He wouldn't trust Yurik after he heard that. We tried not to be too close. God only knew how he made me feel whenever I got just a whiff of him. The devil laughed because he knew how my body responded whenever Yurik looked at me. Temptation was the word for it. I craved him. When I heard his voice, my body tightened.
"Tonight is the rehearsal at the church, you have to be there." Nadinne said. "Listen. We will always be sisters and best friends. Yurik won't get in the way of that. I love you more than anything."
No. God, no. My walls broke and I cried. Nadinne embraced me but that only made this worse. How could I tell her? I sobbed and didn't stop myself. The words stuck in my throat and nothing came out.
"What's going on here?" Yurik walked in. Fear was all over his face. He didn't want to tell her either. We didn't want to hurt her. "Nala?" He asked again with more urgency.
Nadinne ended the hug and wiped my tears away with her thumbs. "It's a secret, baby." Her smile reassured him. The fear drained from his face. Such an asshole. Was I better? Guilt ate away and I feared that it wouldn't stop. I made a mistake. I made a mistake that I wanted to make again.
I left them to talk about whatever happy couples talked about. My feat padded down the hallway to my room. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it. My legs shook, they buckled from under me and fell in my knees. My sobs remained mute but the tears blurred my vision. 'It's just a kiss.' I told myself repeatedly. It didn't help. Not even a little.
Panic was a feeling that I felt daily but this felt different. My heart pounded against my chest and my lungs swelled with air and pushed against my ribs. I pushed my body so that I laid on my back. The floor gave me a sense of security. It was stable. I counted my little angels that glared down on me. They smiled and those smiles became laughter. They laughed menacingly at my expense. My head thrashed back and forth as I covered my ears with my palms. They continued. Their laughs became louder in my head, like I was in some sort this of torture bubble.
'Just breathe.' Those words were said to me countless times before but they only worked when they came from him. That voice did something for me that no therapy ever had. It calmed me down when I felt that my life was over. I repeated it over and over. My heart slowed. The angels looked down with jealous eyes and sarcastic smirks. I needed him. They knew that.
I refused to think about it. I pushed every thought of him out of every corner of my mind, while I stepped into my silver heels that I had to wear for the wedding, I steadied myself against the wall. It was her rehearsal. It wasn't about me and my insane feelings. Control wasn't a word that I was familiar with. I had no control over my emotions or impulses.
We stood in front of the alter. The priest went over the speech and what had to be done after. The other bridesmaids stood behind me while I watched my sister. She glowed. I watched Yurik. Occasionally I caught his attention. Yunnes smiled my way but we hadn't spoken since the club. I didn't want to speak to him. He already had his eye on one of the maids or all of them.
Yurik and Nadinne walked down the aisle and I locked hands with Yunnes and we followed them. We went over it twice and then we gathered and heard the proceedings again from wedding planner. I excused myself and went through the back door.
It was already dark outside. The wedding was the next day. I put the thought to rest of telling Nadinne. She would be his wife the next day anyway. With that sorted out, I pulled a blunt from my cleavage and a small pink lighter. I lit it and took one long pull. The smoke burned my throat but I couldn't make any noise or someone would walk through. Promises were made to Nadinne about my drugs not being a part of the wedding. This lie wasn't the biggest of the week.
This was my favourite flavour. It kicked in so fast and the trip was clean. A scene wasn't allowed either. A clear head would've been a great thing but I had to forget. Herbal medicines were better than my prescribed pills. I inhaled more and more until it burned my lips, lucky I had another one.
I threw the roach in the bushes and lit the next one. I relaxed. The tops of the trees swung side to side in the wind. They were so free. It was a feeling I craved. Freeing my mind, thoughts and feelings would've been disastrous. The world wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for that. I always imagined the earth cracking open and demons rising from hell. The thought made me laugh.
The blunt burned my lips again and I threw it away. The church was empty when I made my way inside. Red ribbons aligned the aisle. Imagining the flowers and other decorations became very difficult. I had to get out of there. Churches were never a place for comfort.
Angels smiled down on me. Tonight called for heavenly dreams but my mind refused to shut down. I tossed and turned. The temperature increased and deceased. Either my pillow was too soft or too hard. I found little peace. I knew why. Promises were kept and I took only my prescribed dosage the night before Nadinne's wedding. I became restless and very agitated.