My Calm

Pure sunlight streamed through the large windows and beamed down on Nadinne. Her golden hair glowed like some kind of halo. She was an angel. I couldn't begin to imagine that his hands touched her like that. I became emotional to the thought. My sister had her faults but she was my big sister. Were his hands just as rough with her as they were with me?

"Nadinne?" my voice was meek, filled with so much guilt. It ate away at my mind. "Sister's truth."

Nadinne stopped paging through a travel magazine with a tropical beach on the cover and paid full attention to me. Sister's truth was our way of confession. Whenever something went wrong, we confessed to each other and promised never to lie. It was our pact as sisters. We never lied or told anyone else of what we talked about.

Sadness bubbled inside me and threatened to boil to the surface. I inhaled all the strength that I could find. "Has Yurik done anything to hurt you?"

Her head tilted in confusion. "No." She said convincingly.

"Say it."

She held my hand tightly. I almost burst into a million pieces. "Sister's truth. Yurik has never hurt me in any way." Her eyes reassured me, but not all of me believed her. "Why do you ask that? I thought you guys finally got along."

It was two days after my almost-overdose at the club. Yurik and I kept our distance after I thanked him the next morning. We kept it from Papa. He wouldn't trust Yurik after he heard that. We tried not to be too close. God only knew how he made me feel whenever I got just a whiff of him. The devil laughed because he knew how my body responded whenever Yurik looked at me. Temptation was the word for it. I craved him. When I heard his voice, my body tightened.

"Tonight is the rehearsal at the church, you have to be there." Nadinne said. "Listen. We will always be sisters and best friends. Yurik won't get in the way of that. I love you more than anything."

No. God, no. My walls broke and I cried. Nadinne embraced me but that only made this worse. How could I tell her? I sobbed and didn't stop myself. The words stuck in my throat and nothing came out.

"What's going on here?" Yurik walked in. Fear was all over his face. He didn't want to tell her either. We didn't want to hurt her. "Nala?" He asked again with more urgency.

Nadinne ended the hug and wiped my tears away with her thumbs. "It's a secret, baby." Her smile reassured him. The fear drained from his face. Such an asshole. Was I better? Guilt ate away and I feared that it wouldn't stop. I made a mistake. I made a mistake that I wanted to make again.

I left them to talk about whatever happy couples talked about. My feat padded down the hallway to my room. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it. My legs shook, they buckled from under me and fell in my knees. My sobs remained mute but the tears blurred my vision. 'It's just a kiss.' I told myself repeatedly. It didn't help. Not even a little.

Panic was a feeling that I felt daily but this felt different. My heart pounded against my chest and my lungs swelled with air and pushed against my ribs. I pushed my body so that I laid on my back. The floor gave me a sense of security. It was stable. I counted my little angels that glared down on me. They smiled and those smiles became laughter. They laughed menacingly at my expense. My head thrashed back and forth as I covered my ears with my palms. They continued. Their laughs became louder in my head, like I was in some sort this of torture bubble.

'Just breathe.' Those words were said to me countless times before but they only worked when they came from him. That voice did something for me that no therapy ever had. It calmed me down when I felt that my life was over. I repeated it over and over. My heart slowed. The angels looked down with jealous eyes and sarcastic smirks. I needed him. They knew that.

I refused to think about it. I pushed every thought of him out of every corner of my mind, while I stepped into my silver heels that I had to wear for the wedding, I steadied myself against the wall. It was her rehearsal. It wasn't about me and my insane feelings. Control wasn't a word that I was familiar with. I had no control over my emotions or impulses.

We stood in front of the alter. The priest went over the speech and what had to be done after. The other bridesmaids stood behind me while I watched my sister. She glowed. I watched Yurik. Occasionally I caught his attention. Yunnes smiled my way but we hadn't spoken since the club. I didn't want to speak to him. He already had his eye on one of the maids or all of them.

Yurik and Nadinne walked down the aisle and I locked hands with Yunnes and we followed them. We went over it twice and then we gathered and heard the proceedings again from wedding planner. I excused myself and went through the back door.

It was already dark outside. The wedding was the next day. I put the thought to rest of telling Nadinne. She would be his wife the next day anyway. With that sorted out, I pulled a blunt from my cleavage and a small pink lighter. I lit it and took one long pull. The smoke burned my throat but I couldn't make any noise or someone would walk through. Promises were made to Nadinne about my drugs not being a part of the wedding. This lie wasn't the biggest of the week.

This was my favourite flavour. It kicked in so fast and the trip was clean. A scene wasn't allowed either. A clear head would've been a great thing but I had to forget. Herbal medicines were better than my prescribed pills. I inhaled more and more until it burned my lips, lucky I had another one.

I threw the roach in the bushes and lit the next one. I relaxed. The tops of the trees swung side to side in the wind. They were so free. It was a feeling I craved. Freeing my mind, thoughts and feelings would've been disastrous. The world wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for that. I always imagined the earth cracking open and demons rising from hell. The thought made me laugh.

The blunt burned my lips again and I threw it away. The church was empty when I made my way inside. Red ribbons aligned the aisle. Imagining the flowers and other decorations became very difficult. I had to get out of there. Churches were never a place for comfort.

Angels smiled down on me. Tonight called for heavenly dreams but my mind refused to shut down. I tossed and turned. The temperature increased and deceased. Either my pillow was too soft or too hard. I found little peace. I knew why. Promises were kept and I took only my prescribed dosage the night before Nadinne's wedding. I became restless and very agitated.

I kicked off the covers when I stumbled upon a time-tested solution. Usually my meds helped with my sleepless nights, but my mind wandered too far that night. Sock-covered feet padded down the hallway. The house was dark and quiet and I planned on keeping it that way. The bride needed her beauty sleep after all. Moonlight beamed through the large windows in the foyer, making the crystal chandelier glitter. Only my dark shadow disturbed the pure moonlight.

I made my way to the kitchen as silently as possible. I poured a cup full of milk and placed it inside the microwave. When the door slammed, the cup began to spin but the light made me aware of something else. I turned to find Yurik with a similar cup in his hands. Just what I needed.

"Fancy meeting you here." He said playfully. Good terms were our agreement, but it seemed impossible to abide by it. This man was the source of most of my problems. I hoped to stay out of his way until they said 'I do', in less than 12 hours. "You couldn't sleep either?"

"Yeah." That's all I had to say. I had a million questions, which mostly consisted of insults in between, that I had to ask him. It wasn't my place to ask then though. "Don't do that."

He stood behind me but at a safe distance. I focused on the cup that danced in the yellow light. I felt him watching me.

"Do what?"

"Don't look at me like that." I said, taking my attention away from my cup.

"How do I look at you?" Yurik asked me like it was the most stupid question I could've asked. "I'm not doing anything." He smiled playfully. That was something I never saw before. It didn't suit him. I wondered if Nadinne saw this side of him? She probably saw it all the time.

"It makes me uncomfortable when you look at me like that, like I'm some sort of..." I trailed off, trying to find the right words. "You look at me like... like dessert." He knew well enough what I meant by it. It was the truth, except for how it made me feel. It turned me on immensely. Just a glance made my body respond.

"Why do you enjoy conflict so much?" he cocked his head the side and flashed that killer smile. The wrinkles deepened at the corners of his light green eyes. "You do realise what happens when we fight?"

"Are you nervous about the wedding tomorrow?" I turned to watch my milk. He kept giving me the stare with want behind those eyes. He controlled himself pretty well. I, on the other hand, was a bundle of need below the surface. He couldn't see that. "You seem distracted. Don't get cold feet."

The microwave dinged and my milk was ready. Yurik then placed his inside the microwave. "Only one thing seems to distract me. Tomorrow, I'm a taken man. A taken man shouldn't have distractions." His statement seemed more like a confession than anything else. "You distract me. Everything about you distracts me. Not only when I'm around you but when I'm away from you too. You're taking over my fucking mind." The playful Yurik was gone.

"I don't know if..."

"I have to say this. I have to get it off my chest before I allow that ring on my finger." Yurik remained at a distance. I held onto the island to steady myself and to keep myself in place. "I don't know what you do to me. You talk about how I stare at you like you're some dessert, but you do much more when you look at me. You disarm me."

"I don't want to listen to this." It was harsh but I didn't care. I had the control in this. "You're marrying my sister. Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. God knows, I'm trying to."

Gulping down the warm milk didn't calm me down. I pushed passed him but before I was rid of him, he grabbed my arm. I didn't have the strength to rip myself away from him. "You want me just as much as I want you. No, I need you." He whispered in my ear. My skin crawled. "All I ask is for one kiss and I'll never ask again. Just say yes before I take it."

"Is that a threat?" It seemed so ridiculous. I felt so tiny as I looked up at him. "Listen," I pocket his chest with my finger. "This is not the part were we argue and then the tension builds. We. Will. Not. Kiss." I emphasised each word with a poke. I guess the milk gave me more confidence than my pills.

Poking a bear didn't seem so scary as it did right then. Yurik wasn't as furious as I expected, he was very confused and not in control of himself. I could tell. I saw desperation in his eyes. "You don't understand this, I need you. I don't love you, fuck, I don't even like you most of the time, but I need you. I always believed that men who cheat are worse than scum, but I question all I stand for when I'm around you. I do not want to be the guy that cheats on his wife. I can't be." The desperation started to escalate behind his shaking voice. All I could do was to listen. His grip was too tight. However, part of me wanted to stay.

"I can't hurt Nadinne like this." I wished that I sounded more convincing. I questioned my own intentions. "Please, Yurik, control this situation. I don't think I can."

Hard fingertips traced my jaw, leaving my skin ablaze. His thumb traced my bottom lip. That had an even worse affect. I just had to taste him. It had only been a few days since we last kissed. I couldn't kiss him but, on instinct, I sucked his thumb into my mouth. Time stood still as he watched. A moan escaped his mouth. That moan sparked something inside me that only he could.

"Fuck." He said under his breath. "What are you doing to me?"

"You do the same to me."

"I'm afraid." Sincerity. The look of it on his face only weakened me. "I'm afraid of what I might do to you. I'm not referring to emotional damage. Nala, you bring something to the surface that I can't seem to control."

I had no words. To know that I had so much power over him, more than he had over me, opened my eyes. He controlled my body easily but I had a vice on his mind. The thought of him releasing, what he was afraid of, onto me, made me wet. I wanted to feel all his strength brought forward by his anger. I had to feel it.

Was I really sick for thinking that? All my life strangers thought it and professionals confirmed it. I was sick but I felt like the complete opposite when I was around him. I felt sane. He treated me like a person, like a woman, instead of a crazy little girl with millions of issues. Boys in my past would handle me like a cracked porcelain doll. They thought that the most minute pressure or friction would shatter me.

A kiss brought my mind back to the present. It was gentle. He left promises on my lips that could never be fulfilled. The one kiss was romantic, dangerous. He pulled away and did that thing I hated. He stared into my soul and bulldozed through all the walls that surrounded my heart.

We both watched his hand as it moved down my neck, cupped my breast and travelled down my stomach. The microwave bathed us in a pale yellow light. Both hands cupped my ass and placed me on the cold counter. He pushed my over-sized shirt past my hips and paused. His eyes remained fixated on my panties. They weren't anything sexy, just plain baby blue panties.

Yurik placed my leg over his shoulder and began to kiss my calve. The further down he went, the more intense the sensation became. His light stubble tickled my inner thighs and small giggles seemed impossible to control. A gasp escaped my throat when he pushed his face against my panties, inhaling my scent. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He kept his closed as he rubbed his face all over my thighs and pussy as he inhaled all of me.

He pushed his fingers so that the cotton moulded to me. "You're soaking through your underwear. If I knew how much I turned you on, I would fuck you all the time." After his last statement, his face fell. "I can't fuck you."

Fingers than traced between my lips, pushing the fabric tighter against my skin. I prayed for his touch. I wished that he would just yank my panties down and fuck me senseless. I didn't want to say anything that might cause him to change his mind. His thumb ran over my clit and I groaned. He smiled cynically. He did it over and over again until I was a panting mess. I yearned for his touch. I yearned for a kiss. Just one more kiss.

I grabbed his hand that squeezed my nipples through my shirt and sucked two fingers into my mouth. He growled. I rolled my tongue over his fingers and sucked hard. His rubbing became more frantic. My stomach flexed each time he ran his finger over my most sensitive part. "Every time I make you come, you will look at me. Do you understand?" It wasn't a question. Not doing as he said wasn't an option. "Don't make a fucking sound."

He pulled his fingers from my mouth and pushed me down. The cold counter seemed to burn my back. My skin burned from his simple touch. My panting became frantic. My eyes remained fixated on him. It came over me like a cool breeze. My thighs gently shook around his hand and my body stiffened. His expert fingers kept up the pace. I kept my mouth closed and stifled groans were the only sounds that came out.

Seconds after I came, my panties were off. The light reflected off my shiny stickiness that was on my underwear and I could already feel my juices seeping out of me.

Yurik bunched the material in his hand and held it up to his nose. His chest expanded, as he inhaled with one long whiff. He watched me the whole time. I blushed. My used underwear disappeared into his pocket and then all his attention was on me. He pushed me legs open forcefully. His gaze threatened to burn my sensitive flesh. His fingers spread my lips after he positioned himself between my thighs. My eyes rolled back into my head and my back arched as I felt his warm tongue trace from my tight asshole, around my pussy, to my clit with one lick.

He circled my pussy and dipped his tongue inside me. My toes curled as my legs rested on his shoulders. He fucked me with his tongue. I couldn't think about anything except the bolts of , what felt like electricity, shock my heart. It pounded against my chest and my body seemed to spasm along to that frantic beat. Yurik forced my ass against the table in an effort to subdue my thrashing hips.

My orgasm grew inside me but remained in the edge of explosion. My breathing completely stopped and no sounds escaped me. All that could be heard was the rotating cup and the boiling milk inside.

Yurik replaced his tongue with his fingers. The digits spread me open and then he curled them inside me. They touched something inside me and my body exploded. My eyes were sealed as my face contorted with a mixture of pure ecstasy and pain. I bit into my bottom lip, the metallic taste didn't bother me. I felt my walls massage his fingers and me melting all around them.

"Breathe." His words triggered an automatic response. I gasped for air like a new born. I felt dizzy and electrified. My legs shook uncontrollably. My lip throbbed in pain and my eyes were soaked with tears.

Yurik seemed very content as he sucked on his fingers and licked his palm clean. He pushed my legs, that felt like jelly, against my chest and ran his tongue over my pussy again. "No, no, no..." I stuttered. My body convulsed and spasmed involuntarily. Yurik chuckled. It was something I never heard before. "Is your cunt sensitive?" he asked. "I'm not done with you yet."

"You can't fuck me." was I even audible?

"I won't."

With that, he continued licking me. It was fast and the concentration remained on my oh so sensitive little nub. I felt a strange pressure settle on my bladder. I knew I didn't have to pee but it felt like it. "No... wait." Minutes after my powerful second orgasm, I came again. It wasn't as powerful but it felt just as good. My body gave up. I was drunk on lust. I was high on him. All energy flowed out of me and he drank all of it.

Yurik continued on, no teasing, no mercy. I couldn't breathe, my heart pounded in my ears. The chandelier above us blurred into twinkling stars. The moonlight was the only source that illuminated our bodies. The microwave dinged minutes ago and the smell of burned milk surrounded us. Mine was covered in sweat, tears and pleasure. It was as if my brain separated from my body. I felt nothing but his tongue, my body reacted, but I had no control over it. I couldn't speak, only suck in air as best as I could.

Before I knew what was happening, I came again. This feeling felt so familiar. It reminded me of the darkest time of my young life. Needles prickled my scalp and spread all over my skin. It felt good. Too good. Too good to handle. The stars faded and darkness crept over me. If death held my hand that night, I would've been content in walking with her. I was at peace. No worries, sadness or fear plagued me. For the first time, abyss accompanied me in instead of dragging me by the hair, kicking and screaming.

***

I awoke to my guardian demons above me. My mind was foggy but my head throbbed with so much intensity. Memories flooded back but they all seemed like dreams or fantasies. Maybe they were thoughts that I only imagined because of my own unsatisfied lust for him.

Hallucinations weren't uncommon, especially with my meds to serve as aid. None the less, I didn't feel bad. It was a fantasy and fantasies caused no harm. I knew it had to be because every part of me wanted him. His smell was something my senses yearned for. My skin ached for his strong touch. My lips craved his harsh and unforgiving kisses. Fantasies cause no harm.