Everything happened in a blur after Kevin ran out, partly from the tears blinding me. I was able to get off Marcus. I ran to get dressed. Marcus was gone by the time I got back to the living room and kitchen area.
I grabbed my cell phone and tried to call Kevin numerous times. Each time it would ring and then go to voice mail. I tried texting him and then calling. Eventually the calls went straight to his voicemail, so I knew he turned his phone off.
I thought about jumping in my car to go look for him, but I had no idea where to go. Besides the library and school, Kevin ever went. I doubt he would go to the library.
I went into my bedroom and laid down. I was so nauseous from what happened. I kept trying to call in between tears but still nothing.
The true realization as to what I had done sunk in. I had betrayed my own son in my desire for pleasure with a person he hated and detested. I couldn't think of a worse thing I could have done to him.
I cried till the tears could no longer fall. And then it was just dry sobs. I thought about calling Cindy for help, but there was no way I could tell her what I did. She would hate me as much as Kevin did.
Out of sheer exhaustion I fell asleep. I woke up later when I heard the door open. I ran out of my room to catch him.
"Oh god! Kevin! Where have you been? I have been so worried!" I said as I ran towards him. Without thinking, I opened my arms to hug him. Although his back was to me, he turned his head enough to see my outstretched arms.
"Don't you dare fucking touch me!" He said with pure hate in his voice.
I stopped dead in her tracks. It was the first time I had ever heard Kevin swear, let alone swear at me. It scared me.
He slowly turned to look at me. I saw pure hate and anger in his face. His eyebrows tilted down in the center as his eyes narrowed. His face was flushed red.
"I am so sorry." I started to say as new tears started to form. "I don't know how or why. It-it-it was the first time. I swear. It will ne..."
"Liar." He yelled. "For 8 years I have told you what a piece of shit Marcus is. How many times have I told you the only thing he enjoys more than torturing me is bragging?
"Do you honestly believe he didn't tell anyone that would listen about eating your hairy pussy in the shed? Or that you shaved it after he told you and then fucked you multiple times? Do you think he wasn't on the phone bragging 5 minutes after he left on Friday"
Every word was like a dagger being stabbed into me. Not just because it was Kevin saying it, but because I knew it was true. I knew Marcus would never keep having me a secret.
Me legs started to shack out of both fear and nausea. I moved to the couch and collapsed down on to it. I could feel and taste my tears as they rolled down my face and into my open mouth.
"Oh, don't worry. He hasn't said anything to me. He just let's EVERYONE ELSE FUCKING DO IT FOR HIM!"
"WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" Kevin continues to yell, and I continued to cry. "WERE YOU PLANNING TO MOVE INTO HIS DORM WHEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE?"
There was no plan; only the moment; only the desire. I didn't think of what should happen next. Kevin was forcing me to think of everything I did and how wrong it was.
"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? THE SAME THING HE HAS DONE TO EVERY OTHER WOMAN HE HAS FUCKED!
"HE WILL FUCK YOU TILL THE THRILL US GONE. TILL HE MAKES YOU WHAT HE WANTS AND THEN THROW YOU AWAY LIKE TRASH!"
"You weren't trash! Not to me!" A sob escaped his lips. I wanted to reach out and grab him, to hold him and make his pain go away. I knew he would never allow it since I was the cause of his pain.
Kevin turned and started to walk towards the stairs. He stopped and looked at his father's recliner.
I turned and started to walk away when I glanced at dad's recliner.
"THE ASSHOLE WHO SAID DAD KILLED HIMSELF TO GET AWAY FROM ME, AND YOU ARE FUCKING HIM ON DADS CHAIR?!?!"
That comment was the most brutal thing he could have said. It made me realize I had not only betrayed my son but betrayed the memory of his father.
I slid off the couch and collapsed onto the floor. I grabbed me knees and pulled them into my body.
Through blurry tears, I looked up to see Kevin walking away.
"Kevin!" I called to him, but he ignored me and kept on walking. "KEVIN!" I screamed, but he left me there.
I don't know how, but eventually I gathered the strength to stand up and go to my room. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
I didn't see Kevin for a few days, not till the Sunday. They school had called and said he didn't come in the last two days of the week. I said he wasn't feeling well.
I tried to pull myself together, but I would break down hourly. I knew I was to blame. For letting things happen.
I cooked Kevin meals and left them outside his bedroom, but they went untouched. I would go down with the next meal only to pick up the previous one.
I wanted to go into his room, to force him to talk to me. At the same time, I was petrified of facing him. I knew it would bring him more pain, so I let him be.
The Sunday evening, when I heard the delivery driver dropping off the food, I rushed from my room to intercept Kevin. I saw him close the front door and head down the stairs.
"Kevin." I called. Thankfully he stopped and turned his head. He didn't look at me, but I knew he was listening.
"I wanted you to know. I blocked him and deleted his number. I will never see him again. I swear to you on your father's grave, on being your mother. Never again."
There was a moment of silence that felt like an eternity as I waited for him to respond.
"Okay." Was all he said, but it was enough to give me some hope.
"Do...do you think you can ever forgive me?" I asked, both hopeful and fearful of the answer.
"I don't know." Kevin said after a moment's hesitation. Then he ran back downstairs.
I let out the breath I had been holding. At least it was not a not. At least there was room for things to improve.
Over the next week, things did improve. First, we were able to be in the same room and then able to talk to each other. I was relieved when Kevin started having meals at the table with me.
Just over two weeks after Kevin caught me, I was sitting in my bathrobe at the kitchen table having a coffee. I heard the door open and thought it was Kevin and that he forgot something. I quickly saw I was wrong when Marcus walked in.
"You can't be here!" I said as I stood up from the table and crossed my arms.
"Well, you aren't responding to my text messages so I figured I would stop by." He said as he went to fridge and pulled out the bottle of Coke.