My Ambition

I got home late that afternoon, after wandering aimlessly through the backstreets of the city trying vainly to distract myself from what had happened at the office. I kept on visualising the CEO fucking me and then Catia eating me out, the seeming requirement and rewards of the job. The paradox was horrifying, but at the same time somewhat numbing. Was it karma at work, leading to a metaphysical outcome that I deserved? Or was it more transactional than that, a payment for services rendered, or rather taken... I couldn't get my head around it all.

And then the sucker punch, reporting to Nic, my ex-boyfriend and all-round scum bag. My heart sank when I had heard that, so much so that I had tried to ask Ms Alves to reconsider, to let me report to someone more experienced, that I could learn from. But she dismissed my attempt, and me from her office in no uncertain terms. It was decided and I would just have to make the best of the situation. She couched it in the incredible job he was doing, having impressed the senior company executives and clients, something I 'could learn from him'.

Then the puzzling situation at the exit from the office. There was only one way in and out of the floors that Dias and Associates occupied in the building. The two that I had been on and one or two others that were off limits to junior staff, being reserved for senior executive and clients. When I got to the glass sliding door, leading out into the entrance foyer and reception, my card wouldn't work... it stayed shut. Instead of helping me open the door, the guard who I'd seen literally every day for the past month phoned HR to verify me. He apologised for the inconvenience with a weird smile, telling me, "The company can't be too careful with security. Try your card again."

It worked...

I was still uncertain, confused. I'd got my heart's desire, a job in a premiere company. But at what cost to my soul, to me. Was it okay to pretend what the CEO had done was the price of entry? Was what I'd forced... or accepted from Catia acceptable? I didn't know...

My best friend Angelique would know. We'd gone through university together, shared a small apartment, partied, laughed and cried with each other, while we evolved in our perspectives of what mattered and what we wanted... finding our understanding of the universe and our small place in it. She was like the sister I'd never had.

While I'd wanted to conquer the world and be important, she'd wanted to make a difference. Working in an NGO at the community level, dealing with real people with real problems. In some ways I envied her, even while I thought she was naïve and idealistic. I needed to talk to someone, so I video called her...

"Ola... Angie." Her familiar face and voice flooded my chest with warmth, even if she didn't realise it was me calling from a new number.

"Angie. So long. How are you?" I wanted to squeeze myself into the phone and transport to where she was.

"Lu?" The name she always called me... the only one who did anymore... now that my parents had passed... the familiarity and entitlement of a sibling... "Is that really you?"

"Yes. It's me." My heart about to burst, hearing her voice and her love after... everything.

"Lu. How are you? How's the job? What's going on?" Questions flying down the phone, questions I didn't know how to answer. Her patchy video image genuinely excited, enthusiastic... not like the world I'd become used to... power, politics, manoeuvring, compromise...

"Don't know, Ang... It's not what I expected... There's so much..." I couldn't finish a sentence, let alone a thought.

"But you're interning with Dias... Come on girlfriend, that's all you ever wanted..." She was always the supportive, bubbly one. Her eyebrow cocked mischievously in my phone image.

"Yeah, but... tell me about yourself. What's been happening?" I countered, not wanting to explain anything, even though it was the reason I'd called yet didn't understand it. "How's your job? The Leath Foundation... surely, you're rocking it? You the VP of 'making a difference' yet? Like changing the world and all that..."

Angie had eschewed the corporate route, preferring to embrace the non-profit foundation world. I loved her for it, but always thought she was settling... settling for an easier path... outside the real world.

"I don't want to talk about it." She looked away from the camera, trying to sound strong...

"What's up, girl? That's not you..." I was enjoying putting her on the back foot, because it so seldom happened.

There was a long silence... a silence I knew was packed with stories.

"I left!" I knew her. That wasn't the voice of power and control. That was her little girl voice, defeated and frustrated. A dark shadow passed across her face. Something had happened...

"Why? Tell me, Ang." It was all I had. I was drained and...

"The Executive Secretary happened... that bastard... stupid prick..." I'd hardly ever heard her swear and to hear it now, shocked me... made me realise this must be something serious...

I'm sorry to say that in a weird way it made me feel vindicated for all the times she had lectured me for my language... Why was I trying to score mental points with my friend? Was it because of everything I'd suffered? I shook my head, admonishing myself to focus on her story.

"What happened? What did he do?" Incredulous me, not sure, just...

"I resigned." As clear as it could be, or clear as mud...

"What? ... What? ... Why?" I felt stupid asking, but I didn't understand.

"He grabbed me by the pussy. Like that president said." The snarl was like a tiger growling down the line and into my room. "Thought because he was someone, he was entitled... It was in his office. I went in to get his signature and the next second he had his hand up my skirt... something about how sexy I was in denim... couldn't control himself."

I wish I'd felt half the outrage and indignity that Angie was projecting. And all that had happened was a hand... I'd had a cock and a thumb up my arse... I was the one who should be shouting and protesting... but I wasn't... why?

Because they'd bough me off with a job. I wasn't principled and idealistic like Angie. I wanted more, I needed to be taken seriously, and if that meant 'doing what it took', I would. She had the advantage of a support system... her parents were connected... for her this was a game. It all came so easy, but for me it was real... make or break... and I wasn't going to be the one who broke.

"Really?" I didn't know what else to say. "What are you going to do?"

"Move back in with mum and dad." How easy it was for those words to slip off her tongue... the answer to everything... to every hiccup... to every bad choice. "Sue the fucker... daddy said..."

"Sure..." I interrupted. Neither of us needed me to say anything more, both knowing how loaded her statement was. With everything that we had experienced together. She'd wanted me to report Nic after that night, but I hadn't, knowing how the tabled were stacked. At least against someone like me.

"It'll be alright..." Was all that she could say, as if she were consoling me. The unspoken understanding between us making me feel doubly bad about not telling her...

"Good luck." I responded, the friendship more important than... my honesty, my candour?

"So... Everything alright with your job?" She eventually came round to the original purpose of the call. But I could see how devastated she felt... integrity and sensitivity were her bywords, but...

"Yup." I responded with the brightest tightest smile, like on the toothpaste ads. "I got a full time offer. It's amazing... I'll be..." I was still not sure what I'd be doing, but I was sure it was better than nothing... better than Angie's options... that I didn't have...

"I'm sure you'll be great." She cut me off. I knew she meant it, but it was all too much for her. Despite her outward toughness, she had a soft centre... a spoiled little girl pretending...

As I thought that, I felt guilt... but also something more. I was different and determined. I was ambitious in a way she was not. It was a monumental moment for me. I realised that there was nothing more to be gained at that moment from my old friends. I had a new life now and needed to make it work. Harking back to my previous world would not help. They wouldn't understand. Dias was my future, and it was bright... or so I thought...

That night I fell into a fitful sleep, images of coffee girls being used by the CEO and other executives... me watching while standing in a corner... Nic whispered unintelligible things to me that I was supposed to remember. Chaotic images leaving me anxious and unrested, unsure of myself and what I was doing. I woke up slightly disorientated, but I was determined to forge on with my aspirations...

Before nine o' clock the next morning, I presented myself to my new boss... Nic, my ex-boyfriend, the man who had forced me, had literally raped me a year before. Was this my future, to work for misogynistic men who thought they could use women and get away with it? Who clearly did get away with it, and thrived... Would I be able to thrive too?

I had avoided thinking about it that morning as I got dressed and made my way to work, wrapping myself in the clothes they expected... short skirt, flimsy blouse, stockings and heels, no jacket... I wore a teardrop pearl pendant on a gold chain, that I had inherited from my mother, to give me courage, knowing that something of hers was close to my heart on this difficult day.

He arrived late, striding in as if he owned the place, cocking at eyebrow at me when he saw me waiting at the door to his team's office.

"Morning, Nic." I said with a tight smile, steeling myself to be professional. "Ms Alves told me to report to you. I'll be working with you..." I couldn't bring myself to say, 'working for you'.

"Yes, Lia told me. That was a pleasant surprise." He responded smugly, looking me up and down, eyes pausing at my chest and the hint of a lacy bra showing through the material, pushed out by the fullness of my breasts. I could feel that my nipples were slightly hardened, whether from the cold in his office or the anxious anticipation of having to deal with him, I was not sure. I just hoped they wouldn't show and wouldn't get any more erect. "I believe you passed your review with Joao with flying colours. Congratulations." He smirked.

"Thank you." Was all I could utter, wondering what he knew. Praying that it was nothing. I'd be so humiliated if... I couldn't bare to think about it, so smiled bravely back at him, waiting for him to say something. And how was he on first name terms with the senior executives? What gave him that right when I was grovelling with 'Sir'.

"Come in." He instructed as he swaggered past me. "That'll be your desk." He indicated a chair at a modular desk in the middle of the room, with two seats facing each other over a low partition. Val was already seated at one, glancing indifferently at me before batting her eyes flirtatiously at Nic, her full breasts literally bursting out of her revealing cleavage. "You know Val, she's the team's secretary. My colleague Roberto's on leave, so you'll only meet him next week."

I nodded at Val with a reciprocally cool expression, before turning my back on her and saying "Thanks Nic. What do you want me to do?"

"You're in charge of client liaison for our team, which supports Miguel Melo in... umm... political advisory. You'll need to understand everything the clients want, their tastes, their desires, their dislikes... and ensure that we can deliver it as needed. All logistics, venues and entertainment." The last was said with a wink. "We actually have a client meeting tomorrow with the CEO of the Breta Consortium. The file is on your laptop. Study it and we can discuss the details later."

And that was it, I had my task. While he went over to the corner desk without another word, ignoring me. Someone had put my laptop on the desk, so I did what I was told. I opened the file installed on my windows desktop and started reading. The contents had nothing to do with business or political advisory, it was the culinary, leisure and sexual preferences of the man in shocking detail. I looked up at Nic, blushing to see him grinning at my discomfort.

"Your job is to manage the personal side of the accounts." He responded to my unspoken question. "It's just as important as the real business... which I take care of."

I gritted my teeth at his smarmy manner, his superior grin, his entitled attitude. Looking back at the computer screen, I swore I'd show them, not letting on how I felt. They'd see my ability and come around. This was MY job, and it was my opportunity to shine. I had to remember that.

I noted that this client liked to stay at the Belmond, ate Argentinian beef, played golf and preferred 'big-titted blonds' who wouldn't 'say no to anything'. It seemed my job was to be concierge, hostess and pimp. That was confirmed at my meeting with Nic that afternoon, after which I made the phone calls and set the itinerary for Mr Ridge Breta.

A round of golf and in-office meetings was to be finished by dinner at one of the top churrascarias in the city and a visit to a nameless club. The number for the last venue given to me with the clear instruction to specify the required characteristics of the female entertainment. I couldn't help a tingle of anticipation as I made that last phone call, thinking about what I was ordering and what sort of club it must be.

Nic and Val left mid-afternoon, without saying anything. Just walked out, leaving me alone in the office. I was about to leave that evening, having completed the various tasks I'd been set, when Nic reappeared, his tie askew and a satisfied glint in his eye.

"How was your first day?" He asked with a twitch of his lip as if he was suppressing a smile, leaning against my desk, towering over me, much closer that I would have liked, the smell of alcohol on his breath.

"Fine. I did what we agreed. It's all arranged for tomorrow." Not wanting to give him anything, nor show that he was unsettling me.

"Gooooood." He seemed to exhale the word, like he was savouring its flavour. A smile flashed onto his face. "Tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. A celebration for your new job."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Nic." I replied, standing up and collecting my things.

"Oh, come on. One drink? With an old friend." His mouth continued smiling, but his eyes were not.

"Nic, you know..." I started a retort, but he suddenly gripped my arm, stopping me from packing my things and making me look at him in surprise.

"You don't want to piss me off, Lucia." The smile had gone, replaced with a hard stare. "I'm trying to be nice to my new team member. To make you feel welcome... Nothing else."

"I... umm... Nic, I..." I couldn't work out how this had deteriorated so fast and didn't know what to do...

"Pack your things... There's a great little bar on the beachfront... Awesome music and the best caipirinhas." His smile had returned because he knew I had no alternative. "It'll be fine. You'll see."

"Okay. Just one." I mumbled in defeat.

Less than ten minutes later I was sitting beside him in his Porsche, flying down the highway towards the beachfront. How could he afford a car like this? He was a recent graduate like me... but I guess that silver spoon got one a lot in life. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of commenting though, so made idle chatter until we had reached the bar.

It was as trendy as he'd implied, filled with the rich and beautiful young crowd, strutting and flaunting their bodies and their wealth, watching each other in an endless parade of sexual tension and power plays. An eclectic mixture of office and leisure attire, probably reflecting where they had been all day.

Even though there was a line out front, waiting to get in, we bypassed it all with a nod from Nic to the bouncers at the door. Despite myself, I was impressed. He was obviously connected and part of this circle, in a way that I was not. I felt conflicted, on the one hand loving being here, rubbing shoulders with this set, but on the other not wanting to owe him anything. Not after what he'd done... I wasn't going to go back there... Ever.

"I told you it had a great vibe." He took a swig of his drink, closing his eyes as if relishing it and then toasting me. "This caipirinha is sublime.... and you are sublime. Congratulations on the job. I wasn't sure you had what it took."

I wondered if he really knew what it had taken, or what was taken from me, but didn't want to dwell on that. So, I changed the subject.

"How did you get a manager job at Dias?" A question that had plagued me since the first day at the office. "Straight out of university?"

He didn't answer for a few seconds, watching me with a smug grin. "Old man Dias is my mum's cousin..."

It felt like he had punched me in the gut. He was in on everything, probably knew everything, and likely held my career in his hands. He was totally one of them, the 'them' that I aspired to be. I felt the world spinning as if I was going to faint.

"Are you okay?" I saw genuine concern in his eyes, a hand on my back to steady me. That gave me the moment to collect myself, to recover.

"Yes sure... I'm fine." I replied, taking a big swig of my own drink. Not knowing what to say, just staring out at the volleyball players on the beach having fun in the moment, seemingly without a care about the past or the future. I wished I was so lucky...

"I guess I was fortunate. Joao had a job lined up for me since I was ten." At least he had the grace to say it with a slightly self-depreciating tone. "But it's really what I always wanted to do..."

"Why didn't you tell me? Back when we..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

"I didn't think you would care... you were always so... so self-righteous... not wanting any favours." He said, looking at me as if he really wanted me to believe him. "I guess I was a bit... ahh sensitive about it... a bit... ahh you know..."

"I don't know... What Nic?" I shot back, my impulsive self, surfacing without thinking.

His hand hadn't left my back, but now it slid up towards my neck, pulling me towards him.

"I like you, Lucia." His words slipped from his mouth, just before he tried to pull mine onto it. His lips mashing against mine until I instinctively twisted my head away.

I didn't think about it, I just did it... he was another man trying to force himself on me... a man who had already forced himself on me... the cousin of a man who had forced himself on me... it was too much, I couldn't take it any more... no matter the consequences...

"No Nic, it's not going to happen... I'm not one of your whores..."

I grabbed my purse and fled the bar, leaving him glaring after me.