I was driving in the mountains, heading to a little town buried in them somewhere. I was also if a foul mood. No, it wasn't that time of the month. I was just in a bad mood. I'm allowed to be. Not helping my mood was the fact that the GPS I was counting on to get me to my destination suddenly went on the fritz, suggesting I do a right hand turn where there was nothing but mountain on one side of me and a very steep descent on the other. Maybe the GPS was in a bad mood as well, although assassinating the driver wouldn't extend its life.
I was now in the situation where I didn't know the area, I didn't know where I was going, and I still had to get there. So maybe I was driving a little slowly while I considered the situation. So sue me, I don't care.
This great big SUV came barrelling up from behind me. OK, so I could have pulled over and let him pass, but why should I? I was driving at a safe speed so he could, too, like it or not.
He stayed close behind me for about a minute and then gave a short toot on his horn. I just waved and kept on my way. Knowing that a man in a big car wanted to pass and couldn't cheered me up somewhat. It felt as though I was passing my bad mood over to him. He would just have to be patient. He'd reach his destination sooner or later, and today it seemed that it would be later.
I managed to stay in his way for several miles before we reached a wider stretch of road and he took off past me. I thoughtfully gave him the finger as he passed, even though he wasn't deigning to look my way. Fuck him, I thought. Men and their big toys. If he was honest with himself he'd admit that all he really needed was a small, trustworthy, car like mine.
A Diner appeared on the side of the road and I pulled in, intending to take a break and ask for direction. There was a car pulling out right in front of the entrance and I nipped into it as soon as the way was clear. There was a toot and glancing around I saw that another car had been waiting to pull into this space. Hard luck. First come, first served. Or perhaps in this case it should be the quick and the dead. I was quick and he was dead out of luck. It's not as though there wasn't more parking spots, just further away across the muddy ground that I wouldn't have to walk on.
As I approached the doors a man who was already there opened them and held them for me. I didn't hurry up at all, just sauntering along.
"No need to hold the door open just because I'm a lady," I scoffed at him.
"You're not and I didn't," he replied. "I saw your one finger salute when I passed you. I held the door because I'm a gentleman."
What a macho jerk. I just gave a superior sniff and stalked past him and into the Diner.
I had some coffee and then asked the waitress if she could give me directions to my destination. No problems, she said, and proceeded to give me some fairly explicit directions. Not having a macho image to worry about I recorded what she was saying on my phone, so I could play it back as required.
That's when the Jerk butted in.
"Pardon me," he said, "but if you're going to Deerford you would be wiser not to take the Samson road. It's rather muddy and a little car like yours might drive into a mud patch and sink out of sight. You should stick to the highways. Longer, but more your style I think."
"Unlike some people, who feel the need to speed everywhere, I'm quite a competent driver, and I'm not worried about a little mud. I can always wash my car."
I put a bit of emphasis on the words 'I' and 'my', as the SUV he'd been driving was absolutely filthy.
It appeared the insinuation flew straight past the Jerk without him even noticing. Typical male; wouldn't catch a hint if it was wrapped in pretty paper and tossed to him.
"Fair enough, but I'll give you a friendly tip. When you see a stretch of mud keep to the centre of the road and drive through fast. The mud will be thinnest there and it will help you get through."
Oh, sure. Drive through the mud real fast. That would cover my car with mud and he probably knew it. I just nodded to him, not telling him what he could do with his advice.
I left and finally reached Samson road. I briefly considered what the Jerk had said and then shrugged and ignored it. Like I'd told him, I was a competent driver. I turned into Samson road.
Samson road wasn't too bad. Parts of it were bitumen but other parts were unmade road, damp, but not excessively muddy. I was feeling better about my decision up until I came to a section of road that glistened. I pulled up and considered the road. For about thirty feet the road seemed to be covered in some sort of clayey mud. Still, it was only thirty feet. I shouldn't have any problems.
No matter what the Jerk had advised I wasn't driving through that mud fast. If I skidded it could cause me to slip off the road and bang into the trees on one side or the other. Slow but sure was the trick.
I eased forward, finding it easier going than I thought, although the wheels did spin a little at times. I was about halfway across when the spin a little turned into spin a lot. The car slowed and stopped, the wheels turning but not taking me anywhere. I went into reverse, meaning to back up and come in a little faster.
I didn't move, did I? Backward or forward it made no difference. The wheels spun merrily in place. I cautiously opened the door and looked out, trying to assess the situation. It was a case of, oh, lord, help me. The mud was inches thick. If I had to get out my shoes and pantihose would be ruined. I dithered for a moment and decided to take them off. Muddy feet I could wash clean. Muddy shoes, not so easily.
I didn't have time to get out of the car. A big SUV was approaching from behind and you can guess which one. The Jerk just pulled over to the side of the road and zoomed through the mud there with no problems, pulling up once he reached the far side.
He hopped out of the SUV and strolled up to the edge of the mud.
"Looks like you're stuck," he said, a very oracle of the obvious.
"I am," I agreed. "Can you help me?"
"I guess. I suppose you tried to drive through slowly."
He shook his head as he delivered this thinly disguised 'I told you so'.
"Which way do you want me to get you out? Forward, or back so you can go and take the main road? There are two more muddy patches like this and they can be tricky."
"Forward," I said through gritted teeth. Condescending bastard. "I'll manage. I'll just make sure I drive through faster in future."
"OK. You're the boss," he said affably. "Just wait there and I'll be right over."
Wait here, he says. Where did he think I was going to go?
He pulled an absolutely enormous pair of boots out of the back of the SUV and pulled them on. They reached right up past his knees. Wearing those he just sploshed through the mud to where I was.
"It's not far to the road and the mud isn't that deep. There'll be no need to use a tow to pull you loose. Just put her in a low gear and some gentle acceleration and I'll push you out. Just make sure you aim at the road next to my truck and not at my truck."
I slipped my shoes back on and did as instructed. He got behind and pushed and the car eased slowly forward. Like he said, it wasn't far. I could feel the difference in the response as soon as the car's wheels had a decent grip. The front wheels were now on the road past the mud and the rear wheels were only on a thin layer of mud.
With, I freely admit, malice aforethought, I trod on the accelerator. The back wheels spun madly for a second and then the car surged forward and out of the mud. The spinning wheels had done just what I hoped for, showering the jerk with mud.
"Oh, dear, how careless of me," I wailed. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you so much for your help."
With that I took off, laughing my head off.
I decided that it wouldn't hurt to drive a little faster. He'd looked a little irate about the mud bath and I didn't want him doing any road-rage in that SUV. Just thinking of him, you understand.
After a short while I came to another section of mud, much like the first. This time I took a line dead down the centre and sped up. I skidded a little going through but I made it, zipping out of the mud and away I went. No problems. I knew I could handle it.
It was the third and last section of mud that did me in. It looked the same as the other two and I used the same tactics that I'd used on the second patch. Speed up, centre of the road, go through fast.
As with the first patch I made it half way, but with the car slowing drastically as I went. When I cautiously opened the door and looked out I found the mud was halfway up the wheels. I was a lot deeper here. No wonder I'd got bogged.
Of course, that's when the Jerk rolled up in his big macho SUV. He went sailing past me with no problems, pulling to a stop on the far side and hopping out. He strolled over to the edge of the mud and looked at me. I looked back, noting that he seemed a little mud-splattered still.
"You now, the main road didn't have any mud patches. If you'd taken it, you'd probably be in Deerhorn by now."
He waited a moment but I didn't say a word.
"Would I be right in assuming that you would like some assistance?"
I wanted to rant at him and tell him I'd drag the car out of the mud stark naked rather than accept his help but I didn't really have much choice.
"Yes, please."