For the next few days, it's as if I'm taking care of a zombie. Selene doesn't speak much, really only opening her mouth to answer the questions I have or to do whatever is absolutely necessary. She shows me how to use the traps and where her favorite spots to forage are. There aren't really any tools here for us to cook, so we hang up over the fireplace one of the cauldrons she uses for her potions and medicines and make ourselves some stews.
When we're not doing the labor intensive work to find and prepare ourselves food, we've started fixing up the workshop. It wasn't exactly built for an extended stay, so we start insulating the walls and repairing what needs it. Although Selene is still dispirited, I can tell she's making an effort to at least make polite conversation. Maybe it's just because she feels guilty that I'm the one that's conscious of our next moves and what we spend our time doing.
Truth be told, there's something inside me that feels happy about what we're doing right now. I don't mind being the one to take care of her like this. I just wish I could bear some of the burden that she wears on her shoulders.
There is something about the situation, though, that reminds me of the way that children play. When we look at them as adults, it seems so naïve and innocent when they play house with each other, taking on the roles that they see their parents take on but without all of the conflict and hardship that we deal with.
I look at Selene now, absentmindedly humming while cracking and then working open the sweetnuts we gathered and then roasted. That's what it feels like. We're playing house, refusing to face the difficulties of the real world. Focusing on all of the wrong things for the sake of our sanity.
"It's hot." Selene says by way of warning, handing me a sweetnut she peeled.
"Thanks." I pop it into my mouth, savoring its mild taste.
"Let's go back tomorrow morning."
"What, to Gra'marah? Already?"
Selene shakes her head. "Back to home. I... I've been thinking, but she's still there. I think that if I absorb her life energy then it might be a bit better. Restore balance, maybe."
"Is that something you can do?" Really, I want to ask her if she's sure she wants to go back at all. The painful memory of her curled up and sobbing on the floor surfaces.
"It's weird. Whenever I'm the one to prepare the rabbits or squirrels we catch, I feel warmth travel from my hands, up my arms and to my chest." She places a hand lightly on her chest, over her heart. "I can tell that it's life magic entering me. It was the opposite when I saved you. Just warmth, life, flowing out from my fingers and then into you. And... The more I learn about what life magic feels like, the more strongly I feel I need to go back. A witch's intuition, if you will."
"Whatever you think is best." I grab one of the roasted sweetnuts, trying to copy - with great difficulty - what Selene is doing to work it open. "So, life magic. Didn't you say what was in the Queen Enchantress's book was dark magic? Is that the same thing?"
"Note quite." She tells me more about what life magic is and what it's supposed to be. "I don't think that it's dark magic per se, but something about it feels pretty unnerving. Queen Re'aila, she talked about how easy it was just to rip someone's life from them." Selene looks down at her hands now. "I guess I have that power in me now."
"It's not like just having it makes you evil," I say, trying to catch her eye. The lackluster way that she's talking makes me feel that she might be thinking that.
"Right. I can't help but wonder, though. How painful it is for that to happen to you. Maybe once we return to Gra'marah and I'm faced with Azrath again, I'll feel what it's like to get revenge, cause someone that pain." Her tone is light in contrast to her dark words.
"Is that what you want? To cause him pain?"
"Yes." After a while, she sighs. "No. I guess in a way I should want it. I'm the one that has to live with the trauma and the memory of his hands all over me, and he gets to walk away and rule his country, right? And even though I feel Re'aila's anger within me, I still... I'm still Selene. I'm still the same that I always was, inside. I just want to heal others and take care of those I love." Her words warble at the end. I'm sure she's thinking of her sister. "Whoever they may be."
Her words remind me of my own loss. Over the past few days, despite me trying to keep things light between us, the majority of the time there's silence between us. It's not exactly uncomfortable, but both of us are deep in thought. Since she told me about how we have to return to Gra'marah, I've had to confront some uncomfortable truths about how things have always been between Azrath and I. Memories of growing up under Hes's care dance in my memory, and, even though Awvag was always quiet around me, how he poured out affection on me in his own quaint ways. And even things that I never thought about before - of how Asa was treated when she started her service.
All things that I hadn't thought much about, and just accepted for how 'things are supposed to be.' There's a sense of dread that runs through me when I consider returning back to Gra'marah.
I feel like when I learned about the execution, something within me broke. All the trust that I had in Azrath, the faith I had in the work I was doing as one of his generals, it all fell apart. Coupled with seeing how Selene was abused and battered at the Discipline, I took what I saw as an out and ran with it, quite literally, in order to escape to Sorrea and start a new life. I'd never really been one to run away from problems, but even now the desire I have to start anew and leave behind everything I'd built for myself for years feels insurmountable.
"It just sucks that sometimes I can't tell if I'm still the same Selene I was before."
"I'm glad for the ways in which you haven't changed." I say. It's true. When I think about what she was like the first night I saw her, in all her alluring innocence and goodhearted nature, I feel another ache of guilt for my role in her corruption.
"And you don't think you've changed?" Selene leans back, now, brushing the crumbs of sweetnut shells off of her lap.
"A lot of things have changed. I've changed a lot. When we first met, I would never have dreamt of leaving Gra'marah or of leaving Azrath's side."
"I know," she says quietly. "I hated to see it."
"Yeah. It took a lot of suffering from the people around me for me to see reality." I nod, thinking of some of our early discussions. My thoughts shift towards her words from a few days ago and I rub a hand across my jaw, agitated. "I... I really am sorry, Selene. I don't like feeling like you were a pawn in my personal growth. It took way too long for me to be a decent man, despite you calling me out on it from the beginning."
She picks up another sweetnut, slowly turning it over in her hands. We hadn't talked about what she said to me a few days ago when she broke down in front of me. "I meant what I said, Eryx. I'm as confused as you are. I have all the feelings. Anger, bitterness, confusion, frustration, grief... I feel like I have enough trauma to last a lifetime. But it's also really difficult for me to carry a grudge against you. So even if we have all of these feelings, I just ask that you wouldn't let your shame get in between us. Don't let me question my trust in you. We have a mission to complete, after all."
I look at her, and when she looks up to meet eyes with me I see the wisdom and maturity that she's gained in the past few weeks. It's reflected in that exhausted gaze. I don't feel deserving of her words. I know I'm not deserving of them. Yet with the guilt weighing me down, as we're staring at each other I feel my heart for her give a twinge in adoration. "Forgive my change of subject, but I think that you'd be a great queen for Gra'marah."
Unexpectedly, she laughs. "I don't like to think about it. If anything, I don't even want the throne. If someone handed it to me, I'd give it right back."
"Despite Gra'marah's shitty politics, its somewhat bloodthirsty nature, the way citizens are held as expendable, and-"
"Anything good you have to say about it?" Says Selene, a small smile on her face. I can't help the one that spreads across my face in response. It's been so long since I've seen anything but tension and grief in her features. Her smile looks good.
"Despite all of the bad things, Gra'marah isn't a bad country." I finish my sentence. "Granted, there are a lot of bad things, but there are also so many good things. There's this really pleasant and distinct smell that comes when the rainfall is about to start. Our people might be a bit crass, sure, but there's such a strong sense of loyalty that everyone has. And you know how I told you about the combat training that starts when we're children? Every spring when school ends for the year, they have competitions and contests. The whole city comes alive and a lot of shops sell trinkets or street foods that you can eat while you watch the children compete. Some citizens also organize their own groups to perform traditional dances or music. It's a whole thing. You'd really love it."
"I just don't have the connection. Maybe you should be king instead," she says lightly, biting into another sweetnut.
"I'm sure you would if you got to experience it." I feel my eyes soften when I look at her. She has her legs tucked underneath her, a blanket over her lap, and her own expression is peaceful while she's distracted by our idle conversation. She looks so good. "If we make it out alive, let me take you to the festival."
"I'm tempted to say yes just because I don't think I'll survive all of this."
"It's a yes, then?" As she looks back into my eyes, I feel my heart swelling again. "You'll give me a chance."
I'm sure she hears the seriousness in my tone, and when she notices my expression she drops her eyes. "Eryx..."
I sigh. "You're right, I'm sorry. I- My feelings for you haven't changed."
"I don't-" Selene looks agitated. "I don't want to discourage you. But... Now's not the time."
"You're right."
She looks at me as if she wants to say something, but then seems to change her mind. "Maybe we should go to sleep."
And so with some degree of awkwardness we clean things up and get settled to sleep before returning to the main house. Ever since Selene saved me and found out that Era is dead, I've been sleeping by her side. Even though she's a deep sleeper, I've noticed that she's been having fitful dreams. It wakes me up, so I hold her tightly until it passes.
Since the only furniture in her workshop is this couch and it's not very big, there's barely enough room for us to be shoulder-to-shoulder on our backs. Maybe because she feels uncomfortable being so close to me, she's been sleeping on her side, facing away from me and leaving me enough room to be on my back. We both don't mention that by morning I'm holding her anyways with my arm thrown over her slim body.
Tonight is no different than the other nights, and I'm lying on my back, one shoulder pressed into the back of the couch. Selene is lying on my other side, so close to me but not touching me. I think I hear Selene whisper something and quiet myself, listening intently just in case she just made a sound in her sleep. But no other sound comes so I breathe out slowly, stretching my legs out and trying to fall asleep.
