In the morning I awoke before Eryx, uncharacteristically. From what I've come to know of his sleeping habits, he's an early riser. I've always been the one to wake up to him and his stoic disposition, so being up early and seeing him sleeping felt unfamiliar. Looking down at his slumbering form, though, feels so different from observing his usual cool temperament when he's awake. It really reminds me of the first time that I met him, when I made him his potion with the moon-glow.
Much like then, I think of how his face looks so much more boyish. There's no tensing of the muscles in his face, and with his cheek squashed up against his bicep where he's laying his head on, he looks a great deal less threatening than his alert self. I stifle a small smile at the mental juxtaposition, but it fades when some of the pieces of last night's conversation comes back to me.
I feel like only recently I've been seeing more of his true self as he's opened up to me. As much as hearing about his feelings towards me is flattering, it still bothers me. I can't help but wonder if it's just a result of his tragedy that his attitude towards me has changed. Not only that, but I feel as if I'm still wading through the complicated situation in my head. No matter how hard I try, trying to make sense of how I feel about this man is a nightmare. Ever since that night...
Do I regret giving him the moon-glow and saving his life that night?
I think back to then. I guess if I have anything to regret, it's how little I was wary towards a handsome stranger in my personal space, regardless of whether he needed my help or not. I do regret letting myself get carried away from home, torn from my role as Era's protector. It's hard not to blame myself for being stupid, not being more alert. The high that I was on from finding the moon-glow was short lived solely because of my carelessness.
Truth be told, that this sleeping man in front of me was the one to kidnap me and then allow me to be subject to all of Gra'marah's abuses - it's a hard thing to forgive.
Yet there's something within me that refuses to hold him completely accountable for everything that I've had to endure. It's completely spectacular, in the worst way, that I'm still somehow - and it hurts me to admit it - attracted to him.
I look at his slack face, marked with his shadow of a beard. It confuses me to no end how even now when I look at him, I'm not filled with hatred towards him. Even when I was upset towards him, felt cold, I couldn't bring myself to hate the man. If anything, when I think about the shameful and explicit dreams that he was featured in, it's like my subconscious feels the exact opposite way.
I'm my own worst traitor.
I can still feel his lips on mine, his body pressing mine into the ungiving ground beneath me, and it makes me angry that my first reaction to the memory is excitement.
Even him mentioning his attraction to me is an intoxicating thought.
But of course all of this brings me back to my biggest quandary. That Eryx feels that I have a 'pull', what Re'aila indicated about my bloodline and according power. We're physically putting distance between ourselves and Gra'marah, but why does my heart only feel more concerned about Gra'marah and the Queen Enchantress's request the further we travel?
I begin combing my fingers through my tangled hair, my heart burning with the ferocity of my thoughts. I can't help but be angry with myself.
My heart is refusing to do or feel whatever is logical.
I'm finally given the opportunity to wipe my hands clean of my time in Gra'marah, to say forever say goodbye to the man who kidnapped me from my safe haven, and to return to my sister who I've resolved to take care of to my dying breath.
But everything within me refuses to feel calm. Re'aila's words continue to fill me with anxiety and I'm finding it harder and harder to convince myself that I don't like Eryx after all, and well... I'm disturbed at how not-at-peace I am with returning back to Sorrea.
I look down at my hands with distaste. On top of all of my anxieties, there's the lingering fear I have of returning back to a normal life. These hands that only created healing for others were forced to satisfy the basest desires of men.
I don't know how I can ever look at myself the same way. I'm sure that I'll have times in the future when I remember the nightmare of being raped by two men at once in front of all of Gra'marah, and if I compare it to my livelihood in Sorrea, it will surely only remind me of my failure to... Stay someone I'm proud of, I suppose.
I sigh, wishing that I could put out from my head all of the thoughts weighing me down. I try to put it out of my head as I wash up the best I can given the circumstances, and when Eryx wakes up it feels just a bit heartbreaking thinking that I should be telling him to get out of my life. I try to be casual, not act like I have all the thoughts I have running through my head as he hands me our humble breakfast for the day.
"Is everything okay, Selene?" Eryx has a serious look on his face. I suppose I was doing a poor job of hiding my fervent contemplation, after all.
I try to force out a smile but I'm sure it only serves to make me look sick. "You know. Just a lot on the mind." Especially after his sudden influx of sharing feelings yesterday, I somehow don't think I should open up all that I'm reflecting on to him.
He nods. He seems to be about to say something, but then shuts his mouth. I don't really feel like pursuing whatever he changed his mind about saying, so I leave it.
I really have no idea how long we were sleeping for through the 'night.' In all honesty, according to my internal clock it felt like only a few hours, but it doesn't exactly seem like the sky has changed at all. The heavens have the same bright look to them and there's no indication that there will be any change even as time continues to pass.
Before I know it, Eryx is helping me back up onto the horse and we're back on our way to Sorrea.
"We should have only a few more days of riding to get back to your home," Eryx says, his voice coming from right beside my ear.
I have to tamp down the shiver that runs through me. I'm struggling to get a handle on the tension between us. On one hand there's the physical part of our interactions. I still feel the shadow of his heavy weight over me, and even the memory alone is enough to make my blood feel too warm. I have to pretend that up on his horse, his warmth wrapped around my shoulders does not feel nice.
On the other hand, and maybe more stress-inducingly, there are the emotions that he put on me yesterday that I'm still struggling to work through - when I'm reunited with Era, should I expect to invite him in? It's not very appropriate to have a man in the home with two young single women. Or if I'm sticking to the proper standards of decorum and what any normal rational person would do, it would probably be best to send him away forever so I never have to see him again.
I try to ignore the pang of disappointment that runs through me at just the thought of that reality.
We're not walking for long when similar to how we entered the Desert Rose's realm, we're displaced back into the border of Gra'marah. It's massively disorienting when we return back to reality, away from the bleached landscape of the Desert Rose's abode. This time, though, it's as if someone's blown out all the lights as there's a moment of darkness and we're thrown back into the moonlight.
"Has no time passed?" I say, confused.
"This... We're not in Gra'marah."
"What do you mean?"
Eryx directs my attention to somewhere behind us. Though we're in the thick of trees, we must be at the border of the forest, as I can see somewhere in the horizon what looks like a couple towers, green fires blazing atop each one. His voice starts again, low. "That's one of the entrances to the Gra'marian-Sorrean border. I'm sure you don't remember it since last time you were asleep, but this solves our problem. They won't know that we've gone past them. They'll probably still think we're within Gra'marian territory."
"It must have been the Desert Rose helping us, then." I feel a dull sense of gratitude despite my mixed feelings towards her.
"Let's go," he whispers back, directing the horse to go on. I understand his urgency to get away from those green fires. It feels as if we linger for too long we'll get caught and something bad will happen.
"Do you know where we're going?" I ask. I feel disoriented. To me, we're just in the midst of never ending trees. I can't fathom keeping directions to make my way out of here safely. Even as we're moving, though, I can feel how alert the man behind me is.
"Yes."
So it's like that, then. I don't keep talking to him, instead focusing on staying steady atop the horse. As much as I've been on a horse since meeting Eryx, I don't think I'll ever be accustomed to riding horses. Being this high up is a little terrifying, and in the occasions where the horse breaks into faster speeds I can't help my squeaks of surprise, gripping a little tighter onto the horse or Eryx, and sometimes closing my eyes, hoping it will help me calm myself.
Luckily for me, today the horse moves at a slow gait, constrained by the constrained walkways of the Sorrean forest. I rock back and forth, and under the steady rhythm of our movement I find myself lost in thought once again. It all feels so maddening. No matter how much I think about it, I can't reach any conclusions when it comes to my grief for Hes and Awvag, my feelings towards Eryx, the hope that I have for returning home. As soon as I think of one thing, other issues start to pop up. The self-hatred that I feel for how I was taken advantage of physically, what Re'aila revealed about me and the past, all of the things that the future may hold for me.
I have to keep reminding myself: Gra'marah has no space in my mind. Eryx has no space in my heart. King Cuno's bloodline has no space in my life.
Somehow, though, the more I repeat it, the less convinced I am.
---
"I think we may be close," I say to Selene. "Not much longer now. How are you doing?"
She yawns in response. "My body feels sore from being on horseback for so many hours. I miss being on steady ground."
"I forgot that it hurts when you're not so used to it. Let's make camp for the night before we arrive tomorrow." Selene agrees with me, and so I help her slide off so we can rest - including my mount. I'm sure that we could make it back if we kept riding through the night, but Selene yawning against reaffirms that we should probably rest. "Are you tired?"
She rubs her eyes blearily. "I don't know why, but I really am. I didn't sleep very well last night. The nights seem to be getting colder."
Every time we've made camp so far, I've pulled out my lightweight tent so we stay warm and protected throughout the night, but as we head out of summer each day has been colder than the last. Not only that, but heading away from Gra'marah and into Sorrea, rich in its forestlands, means that we're getting less sun and warmth throughout the day in general.
