I didn't actually see the new family move in across the road. What I did see was the removal van parked outside and these two great hulks moving stuff from the van into the house. As these two men whisked things out of the van and into the house I couldn't help but wish we'd had them when we moved. They made it look so easy. I could just imagine the woman of the house lounging back and calmly directing the placement of the furniture with no effort required from her.
Eventually the van drove away and I still hadn't seen any of our new neighbours. I made a mental note to go over there the next day and get acquainted. I'd give them the rest of the day to settle in.
I strolled across to visit halfway through the morning the next day. I figured I'd be just in time to get a cup of coffee and we could sit down and learn about each other.
The front door was open but I politely knocked. There was no answer so I called out, letting them know I was there. Still no answer. I thought about going home and coming back later but what the hell? The door was open so someone was surely home. I went in, calling out again.
No-one seemed to be there. If that was so, why had they left the front door open? Perhaps they just forgot to lock it. I looked around a little more. I wasn't snooping. Not really. I mean, I had knocked and called out. Maybe the new owner had an accident and needed help. I was only being a good neighbour checking out the possibility.
I was looking at a very nice vase they had on their coffee table when someone spoke, although they weren't exactly talking to me.
"Sneak thief or just a snoop, do you think?" came this grating voice.
"The way she's eyeing your vase I'd go with sneak thief," came the reply, this voice deep and harsh enough to make the first voice sound melodious. (Which it certainly wasn't.)
I spun around, making a little shocked sound. It was not a squeak. Just a gasp of shock.
"How about that, she squeaks," said the first voice.
"Understandable. She's only a little mouse of a girl," replied the second.
"Ah, hi," I said. "I'm Melissa Harden. That's Mrs Harden, actually. My husband and I live across the street. I just came over to say hullo to the new neighbours."
"A likely story," said that second voice. "If that was the case you'd be at the door, ringing the bell. Not eyeing a vase with intent to acquire it."
"I knocked," I said defensively. "Really. No-one answered but the door was open so I thought I'd better check to see if everything was all right."
"Uh-huh. And how would you know if it was or wasn't?"
He had me there. How would I know? I actually recognised the two men now. They were the two hulks who'd been delivering the furniture. Apparently it was their own stuff.
"I'm Bryn. He's Karl," said the first man. "What do you think we should do with her?"
"Good question. We've caught her red-handed. I suppose we should turn her over to the police."
The police? He had to be joking surely. The look on his face suggested otherwise.
"That might be a bit harsh, especially if she's really just being nosey. How about we march her over to her husband and lodge a formal complaint with him?"
Oh, god. I'd just die. Either one of them was twice the size of Andy and he would be sure to be intimidated and embarrassed.
"It's a thought. Tell you what, instead of involving him why don't I put her over my knee and give her a spanking. That'd be fun and it would teach her a lesson."
"You're right, especially if it's on her bare bottom. What do you think of that idea, Mrs Melissa Harden?"
"I think it's a rotten idea. I've already apologised. What more do you want?"
"How's your memory, Karl?"
"Quite good, Bryn. Why do you ask?"
"It's just that mine seems to be failing me. I can't seem to recall hearing her apology."
"That might be because she didn't actually give one."
"That would explain it. So we'll add lying to her list of misdemeanours. That spanking is looking better by the moment."
"No!" I said quickly. "Look, I'm sorry. Really I am. I only came over to say hullo."
It served me fucking right for giving in and doing a bit of snooping. Harmless snooping, mind you, but hard to explain if you get caught."
"From her attitude it seems she doesn't want to be spanked," said Bryn.
"True, but I didn't want her snooping through the house," pointed out Karl.
"Let's see if we can make a deal with her. She may only be a little mouse of a thing but she's easy on the eye. Agreed?"
"I'd have to agree with that."
"So how about we get her to strip so that we can admire her figure and then we let it go at that?"
Were they insane? Strip so they could see me naked? I wouldn't dare. Why they'd probably be all over me if I did that. Imagine standing there naked in front of these two great brutes. I gave a little shudder, a frisson of forbidden excitement running through me.
They were both looking at me, expectation on their faces.
"You can't be serious," I spluttered. "No way, no how."