It takes a great deal of time to plot the downfall of one's enemies, especially as where my father is concerned, every single thing has to be subordinated to wenching.
Sometimes he will manage from luncheon to dinner without exercising his prong but such occasions are exceptional to the rule, even when hunting he will station some serving wench or another in a convenient barn in case his need should arise and I fear now I have found Camilla my own sweet angel the family curse has indeed afflicted me, not that I find it a curse, more a blessing.
So it was that after a full month of Camilla and I living in sin as lord and upstairs maid so my mother appeared post haste from Brighton, where she had domiciled herself safe from fathers unrelenting pronging, post haste I say, well scant haste more likely, she brought a carriage and behind came a cart of gowns and such finery of all sorts as she considered of the fashion.
All was consternation as she swept into Gatesby Hall as if she owned the place, indeed as father's lawful wedded wife, 'Awful wedded,' as he had it, she was indeed Countess and entitled to such consideration, "Edward" she bellowed, and I thought she sought father so I kept discreetly in the background.
"Edward, where is Edward?" she demanded of Camilla who was abroad upstairs.
"I know not," she said truthfully as she knew me as 'John'.
"My Lady!" my mother insisted, "And you're a pretty thing, fresh from my husband's prong I'll wager, I'm right am I not?" she guessed from Camilla's servant's smock, although by now she wore only finely tailored smocks sewn from fine cloth.
"No indeed not Madam."
"Liar!" countered my mother as she was no fool, "You have the look of one recently sated and the gait of one, his seed oozes from you even as we speak does it not?"
"No, I have not," Camilla wailed.
"Then show me!" my mother ordered, "Raise your smock," Camilla remained shocked and immobile, "Oh very well, insolent girl," she said and reached out and pulled up sweet Camilla's smock until all was displayed.
"See, the bruising, the leaking seed, tis the Hunstanton curse," Mother said, "I should know I rode that prong times enough, now you have a rest girl, a glass of milk perhaps, some porridge and have someone else do your menials," Mother said kindly, "For if it were not for kindly maid such as thee, it should be I all bruised about my woman's parts and my legs all sticky with seed."
"But Madam!" Camilla exclaimed.
"No, I am mistress in this house," my mother said again, "Go rest and recover your strength for the trial to come," and when Camilla hesitated she said, "Go girl, I shall reconcile the house-hold to it, go!"
Thus Camilla had her first encounter with her mother in law to be.
Mother had no sense of the scale of the Hall, and little sense of direction, little sense at all my father averred, and in due course found herself in the kitchen where Camilla was drinking a cordial.
"That's the very thing girl," my mother told her, "Edward is not as other men, my mother said I should be abused each Friday, but Edward had abused me three times before our wedding day was out," so she told Camilla, "And it is as potent as it is robust, a seemingly endless supply of seed and when he tires he has a meal large enough for a platoon of militia, a tankard of Lemon barley-water and he is completely renewed."
"So you escaped?" Camilla asked.
"Yes," she said, "I was worn out, six and seven times a day," my mother explained, "I swore celibacy hundred times, but he looks so sad and that rampant prong so beautiful that every time my resolve crumbled like a sand-castle in the tide."
"And John?" she asked.
"One of the many bastard sons I'll wager," my mother said, "In Longsby Beacon there is hardly a child that doesn't but look at you with Edwards eyes." she suggested, "With his teeth and hair," she added and seeing Camilla's confusion she added, "Our old estate, at Longsby Beacon."
"Oh," Camilla said considerably alarmed and for once she stilled her tongue.
I came upon them as I followed father from stables to the kitchen, I had ridden out to warn him directly I saw mother approach and tried to warn him but he would not let me speak until he had explained the latest twist to his plot, "Now Dawson and I have seen Lord Oakes and has it in writing that he has no care whether Camilla lives or dies and hence no objection to her union with Farmingham on account of her being with child."
"He thinks Dawson is Farmingham?" I asked.
"He's fat enough to be a Lord!" my father exclaimed, although father himself was thin enough to use as a broom handle if such was required, "But indeed, poor man or shall I say poor Lady Oakes." he laughed but his humour was cut short by the sight of my mother in the kitchen with Camilla.
"Ah," she said, "You have returned,"
"Phoenicia," he exclaimed, "What a pleasant," he said.
"Enough!" she said, "Now where is your man, my luggage yet awaits in the stable yard yet no butler nor footman nor anyone of any utility is to be found."
"It shall be done," my father suggested, "The red room," he suggested, "Have Dawson arrange matters," he turned to me, "Well, don't just stand there!"
I did as he said, my father rather liked the red room, "Like a whore's palace," he said of the decor, as if he cared which place he used for pronging.
Dawson and I struggled with the mountain of luggage, it being the foot-man's half-day holiday, and one can hardly have a stinking Ostler about the upstairs with someone with such delicacy of the nose as my mother possessed.
"So," my father exclaimed, "Shall we go and see Reverend Soames," he asked, "Come along Camilla, " he urged, "And Phoenicia, Holly and Grace the maids are rested so have them help you sort your veritable drapers shop."
"Rested?" my mother queried, but my father was intent on rushing precipitately into matters so she received no answer.
At the church Reverend Soames was abroad, and Fillinger his curate and we all attended and not only Dawson, our butler, but even Bullinger our Ostler, acting as coachman, was invited inside.
I should have sensed trickery, "Now," said the Reverend, "The Earl asked me to explain the marriage service.
"Father!" I demanded, "What is afoot?"
"Well," he said, "I thought perhaps, next month," he said, "But I own tis tricky," he said, "I cannot prevent them fornicating, Reverend, though I have tried everything I know."
"Then they should be wed with alacrity," the Reverend agreed.
"So, let us rehearse matters,"my father suggested, "So that it might be done with efficiency and a measure of style."
So we were arranged at the alter rail, Camilla and I, and the Reverend, "Who gives this woman," he said and Bullinger stepped forward, and Dawson stood at my side as groomsman, and then he ran us through the words, "Do you take this Man," he asked.
"I do!" said Camilla."
"No!" the Reverend said, "Not until the day, for if I asked Lord Farmingham "Do you take this woman and he said."
"Yes!" I answered.
"Then you should be married," he said, "Oh lord!"
"Here my boy," Father said as he handed me a pocket full of rings, "Find one to fit."
"But!" the Reverend protested, and that was when father took a beautiful golden statue of the Virgin Mary from the bag Dawson was holding, and tempted the Reverend with it like one tempts a dog with a juicy bone, until the said reverend said, "But I suppose it will suffice, I now pronounce you man and wife."
"Well that was easy," my father said, "And cheap it's only gold plated brass." as we rode home.
Camilla was upset, "It was hardly a dream wedding," she said.
"Hardly a problem," my father said, "Phoenicia will undoubtedly organise something wildly extravagant in some cathedral or something a blessing perhaps, but at the very least you are legally wed."
My mother met us at the doorway, "Edward, what have you been doing?"
"Nothing of consequence," he said.
"Nothing at all, he just tricked us into marrying." Camilla added.
"Oh what a quaint sense of humour, what did you really do?" my mother asked, she looked around us, and then she saw Camilla's wedding ring.
"Oh you monster!" she railed, "Do you mean to say I've missed my only son's wedding!"
My Father started laughing.
"There will have to be a blessing!" my mother insisted, and father laughed even louder, "In the Abbey or a Cathedral!" father was laughing so hard tears ran down his cheeks.
"What does she mean only son?" Camilla asked, "Is she your mother?"
"Indeed," I explained, "Of course."
"Oh!" she said, and went strangely quiet.
"Camilla," my mother asked, "Who precisely are you?"
"Camilla Oakes, Lord Oakes daughter, Madam." she said, "Lord Farmingham's upstairs maid!"
"Now Phoenicia," my father said, "The marriage is not consummated yet, it may yet be annulled of the girl so wishes."
"I's that your wish," I asked as I held out my hand to Camilla, she took it.
"No, indeed not," Camilla said in some alarm, "Let us seal the matter forthwith," and she took my hand, "Quickly!" she urged and we flew up stairs and in the bed room as she threw aside her smock and leapt into my bed, I paused but briefly to dis-robed and as I leapt abed so did Camilla leap upon me, almost impaling herself on my prong as I lay back and there she remained for a long moment, "There!" she insisted, "Tis done, husband."
"Indeed!" I agreed, "Now on your back, let me please you!" and we wriggled around until we were laid comfortably and then came the serious matter of pleasure. She had long since divested herself of the hairs of her lower belly, for ease of cleanliness she averred, so the utter perfection of every fold of her womanliness was made plain and the easement of my appendage within those sweet lips was as poetry in motion so smoothly did it enter within, and any shyness she might have suffered was now cast to the four winds as she made her enjoyment plain with gasps and ohs and purrs like a contented cat.
She lay quietly afterwards, "Oh, my," she said, "I do believe wedded bliss is absolutely indistinguishable from wanton fornication."
"Indeed," I agreed, "Except that we are now required to produce an heir,"
"Well," she agreed, "I cannot see that that will be a particular trial."
There was a tap at the door, "Are you decent," my mother enquired.
