Loo at Me When You Come

I love Italy.

There's only one word to describe my favorite city Milan; mesmerizing.

One can venture along any streets, it feels like looking for hidden treasures. Merchandise ranges from antiques or handmade trinkets carefully crafted since 1880s to modern and futuristic products, for example how they apply the minimalist approach on a piece of furniture.

To me, this is just one brilliant city. Too bad I didn't have this much time to experience Barcelona the same way. I was too occupied with work, as well as mentally occupied with my thoughts for Ben.

Bovisa was our neighborhood. Practically, we could reach any other main cities from here. Public transportation is easily accessible and all kinds of amenities are close by.

In fact, who needs a car anymore when we can just walk and use the trains and buses to move around?

Il Duomo stood there like a giant. As we were walking to reach it, we felt smaller and smaller. I couldn't help but dance around like a child, that one of my lifelong wishes has come true.

I became nuts by taking photos of it, all of it, outside and inside, including the creaking parts of its wooden furniture.

As I turned back, there he was, standing near the big entrance, a familiar face of a person I have missed all this while and been longing to see.

"Ben..?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but Lin asked me to come last week but I.."

"Ben?!" I ran towards him across the duomo, leaving my tripod behind.

"It's Lin, she said I could.."

Before he finished his sentence, I jumped on him and held him so very close.

"When did you get here?" I had tears of joy in my eyes.

"Yesterday. I have to look at you one more time," he said. "I feel like if I don't do something, I will regret it for life. Plus, this Sunday is Valentine's Day."

"Regret, why? Didn't I tell you we're just a flight away? We can always find each other again."

He told me that his brother Paulo suddenly decided to fly to Mexico to find his girlfriend who had to move back to her birth town due to family matters. She came to Portugal to study, and now she's back in Mexico for good.

"That got me thinking," he took out something from his side pocket. "Marry me, will you?"

It was an engagement ring, made with titanium and a small sapphire stone on top. "What?" I had to hear that again.

"Will you marry me?" This time, he was on his knees, holding the ring, in front of everyone in that duomo.

I felt like my face was going to explode. My heart was going to burst into pieces and my legs were melting to the floor. I didn't know how to respond to that, especially with people watching us.

"You don't have to give me the answer now," he said. "I just want to know whether you'll consider it."

"Yes," I held his hands. "Definitely, I will consider it. It's just that.."

I paused right there.

Marriage is a big step, indeed, on its own. Marriage is even a bigger step, could be impossible too, when it comes to marrying a Malaysian Muslim.

He will be asked to convert into a Muslim, and it's not fair forcing him to give up his faith just because he wants to be married to me.

"We have to think," I said. "Like, a lot."

"I just frightened you, didn't I?" asked Ben, looking worried.

I promised I would explain our situation, as detailed as I could, at least as much as I knew. I had no idea if we could find any other solutions other than making him convert, but then who'd knew.

We had dinner together at McDonald's and we talked about it, with me doodling down the possibilities in a piece of paper.

"Sounds more complicated than I thought," he said.

"I'm sorry.."

"Why sorry? It's not your fault."

"I don't want you to leave Catholicism for Islam."

"I don't mind leaving it, if that is what it takes to be with you."

I swallowed at this statement. "No, you don't understand. With both of us Muslims, our kids will be registered as Muslims too."

"What? They're Muslims since they're born?"

"It's not fair, right? I asked, hoping he'd think the same way.

"Definitely not. They should be allowed to choose."

Unless, I don't go back to Malaysia anymore. I thought.

"I don't know what to say, Ben," I said. "I.. I've never planned to be married to a non-Muslim."

"But you said you're not a Muslim," he began to recall things that I said about myself. "So why can't you be free from Islam?"

"My grandparents did not fill in the religion part for my mom when she was born," I explained. "So the office just filled 'Islam' there because she has a Malay-sounding name. And she was unable to change the religion because of its lengthy process and unbelievable procedures. And when I was born from a Muslim mother, I was registered as a Muslim too by default."

"That's so messed up," he commented.

"They force people to have a religion," I said. "We can't leave it blank there."

"While in Europe, we don't have religions stated in our IDs," he replied. "We're free."

"I know," I sighed at this, thinking how sucky it was to give up so many unnecessary things just to be married. "Weird rules we got there, that I can tell you."

I wished I could say more but having a religion itself is already something I can never agree with, but forcing someone to have one is totally out of this world.

This is probably one of the few reasons I was happy with being single, so I wouldn't have to involve others, someone like Ben, in this seriously fucked up situation.

"Hey," Ben reached out to hold my hand. "Don't think too much. There will be a solution to this."

I smiled. Just like before, from my past relationships, I sensed a distance in between Ben and I, as if we just couldn't be together no matter what.

"I won't let you go," he added. "I'm so used with you. I kept the pillow you used because it still has your scent on it. Call me crazy. I don't feel like coming home if you're not there to live with me."

"I'm so used to have you around too, Ben," I said. "I don't think I can leave you anymore."