Loo at Me When You Come

Lin and I confirmed our flight to Barcelona, 3 weeks before the date. I was torn in between being excited about going there and leaving Ben for good.

I always told myself that he knows my schedule because he is my landlord. He knew when I was coming to stay there and he knew when I will stop renting.

I just couldn't bring myself to remind him, as Lin suggested, "He is just your fuck boy, so move on."

That would be harsh, too harsh considering we both had our shares of fun and yeah, maybe he had feelings for me too.

Though, I couldn't confirm that just yet. He wouldn't say a word about it, and probably was trying to forget it with his own ways.

He's naturally calm. He'll only show emotions when he's triggered.

Sometimes, when we watched Netflix, he would massage my arm as I laid on him, and sneakily feel me here and there, occasionally rubbing my tits too.

He just enjoyed the connection we had, even if that didn't lead us to having sex at all.

I knew I would miss him, or at least, the time we spent together. Tried my best to get my mind off worrying about him. I even dyed my hair violet just to keep myself busy.

He stopped reading my tweets on Twitter, because he didn't want to read any heartbreaking ones.

"I was engaged, right before I came here," I broke the story while we were cuddling up in his bedroom, in attempt to explaining my trust issues. "I guess I got.. cold feet? I called if off out of nowhere, the same day he was talking about what to name our future kids."

Ben was listening, attentively without interrupting.

I sighed. "I think.. after what happened between my ex girlfriend and I, I just couldn't bring myself to commit to such relationship anymore."

"You're scared of getting hurt, so you leave first before they can hurt you," Ben commented.

"Exactly! I feel safer having friends than anything closer than that."

Ben forced himself to smile and it was kinda obvious and I felt like maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

It was me who took advantage of him. He did what he did, for me.

If he just wanted to fuck, he would have done everything in 5 mins instead of caressing me, making me climax for many times, and enjoying every bit of it.

It was me who wanted someone to do me so much, out of my own lust.

Even when I was on my period, he would just slide his hand inside my panties to rub my clit, without expecting me to touch him back.

I would miss the look on his face when I licked the hole on his dick, or when I squeezed his pre-come and let my tongue taste it.

The look on his face when I laid there naked, and I was the most delicious girl he has ever devoured.

Or when he waited patiently, watching me tremble with moans before he could shoot his sperms inside of me, letting them swim to their rightful place.

The way he knew how much I wanted him inside of me, anytime during the day. That confident smile every time he sees me.

It would suck, to feel the same like he did, but I didn't have much choice or any comforting words to say.

"Well, I guess, this is us," I smiled, with my luggage by my side.

Dores gave me a bear hug like she was holding her younger sister even though I'm much older than she is. "Please don't forget Portugal."

"No, I won't," I said. "I promise."

"Stay safe," were the only words that came out from Ben that time.

"Oh don't worry about me," I smiled. "Barcelona is just a flight away."

We hugged each other and he stayed until I disappeared within the crowd.

I did look back, but I also kept checking on my phone, just in case he would send me some WhatsApp messages.

As he was driving back, his mom called and he put her on loud speaker. She was talking about his old friend since high school, Vitória, who, according to her, has asked about him every time they bump into each other in town.

"That's nice," was the response coming from Ben.

"Is that all?" his mom sounded unsatisfied. "Don't you wanna do anything about it?"

"Do what about it?"

"Well maybe contact her with the number I gave you?"

"Oh I think I lost it."

His mom wouldn't stop talking. Ben had to excuse himself for a while, he stopped the car and got out, broke into tears at the sidewalk.

He stayed sitting there, crying, and people inside the passing cars were wondering if there was some kind of emergency.

Dores didn't know how to calm him down. She didn't know what actually happened in the first place. She just knew we were close, really close.

All she could do was offering herself to do the driving with Ben at the passenger seat. He cried helplessly all the way back. When they reached home, he went to lock himself in his room.

As I tried to settle down in Barcelona with the hostel I was arranged to stay, Ben never showed up anymore. He either went straight to work as early as possible without having to see anyone, or just hid in his room, avoiding human contact.

I lost my focus at work, or the energy to carry my backpack and my tripod anymore. I didn't like it when I couldn't get any news from there, especially after Dores told me what happened after they left the airport.

Only Lin was so energetic and simply couldn't wait to explore every bit of that city, as much as she could, hoping we could have a little more time.

My messages were unanswered because they were unread. I tried to leave hints on Twitter, but he probably didn't read those too.

I felt like I've lost him forever.