Liz was easily his worst tenant. Not one rent inspection had failed to reveal some small or overt violation of the tenancy agreement. At first it was just posters stuck to the walls. He ignored them. Then it became obvious that she had been smoking inside. The citrus air freshener, clearly sprayed in great volumes before his entrance, could not hide it. He also managed to ignore this, as well as the general mess and noise complaints from other residents. But then her payments began to come in late. She made excuses: Her boss's payroll lady quit, her aunt's chemo treatment recently went up, she recently changed banks, and so on. Finally, like the closing act on a shitty play, he discovered that she'd bought a pet. A cat.
It purred like a radiator and rubbed itself affectionately against his legs, leaving behind a generous quantity of ginger fur on his black trousers.
"It's not mine," she said immediately.
He ignored her and walked into the living room. The place was a mess. Clothes lay everywhere, on the couch especially. He saw a black thong peeking out from under a cushion. She had empty bottles everywhere - probably the remains of her most recent (and very loud) party.
"A bong, seriously?" he said, casting his eyes over the coffee table.
She let out a very audible gasp.
"That's not mine. My friend -"
He cut her off by walking into the kitchen. No surprises here, he thought grimly. The kitchen was also a mess. The sink was overflowing with dishes. The counter didn't look like it had been wiped down any time recently. He cast his eyes down at the two red pet bowls sitting by the fridge.
"Your cat's water bowl is empty," he said. "And you're two weeks late on rent."
She had been shadowing him nervously.
"I know, I know. It's not -"
"Your fault?" he interrupted. "Seems like lots of things are yours. Not your cat, not your bong, not your fault."
Two bright spots burned on her cheeks.
"It's not my fault you're such an asshole. You're not even supposed to be here. I had no notice. You can't just barge in like -"
"Actually I can," he interrupted curtly. "I can just barge in whenever I want. It says so very clearly in the tenancy agreement you signed. Maybe you don't remember? It mentions it alongside 'No pets' and 'no indoor smoking.'."
She scowled and made no reply. She looked truly sullen. Red faced. Avoiding his eyes. He looked her over. Even in the trashed environment that was her apartment, she managed as always to look effortlessly hot. He'd caught her by surprise today. She was wearing pyjama shorts that barely covered her plump ass and a grey tank singlet that was several sizes too big for her. No bra. From the side he could see the full profile of her breast.
As if sensing his gaze, she folded her arms over her chest. The movement pressed her breasts together. He could see the bumps of her nipples. He allowed himself to stare just a moment longer than was polite.
"The cat needs to go and I need your rent by Monday. If not I'll be serving you with an eviction notice. And for Christs' sake, don't leave your fucking bongs on the coffee table."
He left her in the kitchen and didn't look back.
He didn't hear from her all week. Occasionally he indulged himself in the memory of her tits. It was more than an eyeful that he'd managed to take away, and he savoured it greatly. Something about the way she'd crossed her arms, her expression of anger mingled with discomfort, was appealing to him.
Finally, at 7pm on Monday night, he saw her walking up the path towards his door. She looked sullen again. She wore black jeans and a black leather jacket and had a cigarette pressed between her lips. He watched her smoke it quickly before flicking it onto the ground. Delightful, he thought.
She knocked far louder than was necessary. He went to the door and jerked it open.
"Nice hour this is. I suppose you're here to give me your rent."
"I don't have it."
She stated this so calmly, and with such little preamble, that he laughed.
"Great. That's just great. And I suppose you haven't gotten rid of the cat, either."
"I don't want to get rid of the cat."
He blinked down at her. She had never been so lacking in excuses. She looked him steadily in the face.
"Lovely" he said with a bright smile. "Now that you're here I can give you your eviction notice. I took the time to print it out when you didn't show earlier. How convenient. You've saved me another visit."
He turned his back on her and went to retrieve said notice. To his amazement, he heard her enter after him.
"Look," she said quietly. Her voice seemed to break slightly. "I will have the money, but I really don't want to get rid of the cat. Please don't evict me."
This was too much. He rounded on her with a surge of anger that caught even him by surprise.
"You've got to be kidding, right? You don't want to get rid of the cat? Great. That's fine. I don't want a shitty tenant any more. You're being evicted. You and your cat can go and not pay rent somewhere else."
Before he could turn again, she clasped his arm.
"If you let us stay I'll make it worth it."
He raised his eyebrows down at her. Her grip was hard.
"Worth it?" He repeated. "You're the worst tenant I've ever had. How could you possibly make it worth it?"
She appeared to brace herself for a moment. And then, averting her gaze, she stepped back, and in one motion lifted her t- shirt and flashed her breasts at him. They seemed to burst out as she freed them from the tight fabric of her t-shirt. In the open light of his kitchen they looked bigger, bouncier and plusher than he'd imagined. She stood like that for just two seconds. Just long enough for him to let out a curse. And then she covered herself up again.
"I know you're a perv. I saw you looking at my tits the other day. Well fine. I'll let you do more than look if you let me and the cat stay. And I'll pay the money when I have it."
There was a silence.
"Get out of my sight." He managed to say eventually. "Get out of my fucking sight."
She left immediately, so quickly that it was like she'd never been there.
That night, David ate his late dinner in front of the TV. He had a beer, and then a second. He watched a movie distractedly. And then, with an almost bitter finality, he jerked off. This was not unusual in itself. The contents of his thoughts, however, were. The image of her breasts felt burned into his retinas. He thought about the way they'd dropped ever so slightly into place as she pulled up her shirt, and the pale creaminess of her skin, and the little pink nipples, erect from the sudden unveiling. He wondered what she'd meant: I'll let you do more than look. He wondered what they would feel like pressed against his hands or smothering his face. He wondered if she let any of her string of dates jam their dicks between them, or suck on them, or cum on them.
With a sudden grunt of lust he felt himself tipping over the edge. His frantic jerking met its end, and came with unusual force into his hand. He drank another beer and tried to push the whole thing out of his mind. She had to be evicted.
Tuesday came and went. He told himself he was giving her one last moment of grace in which to give him her rent money. He found himself looking in the direction of her doorway sometimes, trying to catch any movement from her apartment. But she kept unusual hours, and he didn't see her.
Finally, as Wednesday afternoon approached, he forced himself to go striding up the path towards her door. In his hand he held her eviction notice folded neatly into an envelope. He knew he ought to just put it straight into her letterbox. Why didn't he put it straight into her letterbox? She probably doesn't even check her mail anyway, he thought, as he knocked.
She opened the door so immediately that he wondered if she'd been standing by the door. When she saw it was him her expression dropped.
"Yes?" she said bluntly. Based on her makeup and hair, she looked like she was ready to go out. She wore a short, low cut black dress and heels.
"You still haven't paid." As he said this, the cat wandered by. "And still with the damn cat, I see."
"I'm getting the money tonight. In full."
He rolled his eyes. "And let me guess, you're putting Mr. Kitty up for adoption tonight too? I'm here to give you your eviction notice."
She looked extremely pissed. "Listen, I can pay you. Tonight. I can even pay you a fucking pet bond if you like."
He scoffed at her.
"Pet bond? Pet bond? Listen, you're a serious pain, you know that right? You're always late on your rent, I'm always having to put up with noise complaints from your fucking parties, you smoke bongs and god knows what else inside, you've had this cat for fuck knows how long. You can't seriously think I won't evict you."
As if on cue, the cat made another entrance. It twined itself around her legs, purring loudly.
"I'm not going to beg you not to evict me," she said coldly. "Like I said: I can pay you tonight. And if you want to see my tits again, to 'sweeten the deal', I can do that."
She sarcastically air quoted the phrase 'sweeten the deal', and folded her arms petulantly.
Her pragmatism shocked him a little. Despite himself, he found his gaze drawn magnetically to her breasts. They were cupped closely by the bodice of her dress. If she were to raise her arms, he suspected they might pop straight out. His cock twitched.
"I've already seen them," he said warily.
She rolled her eyes at him. "For what, three seconds? And I don't just mean to look."
She seemed to scan his face for a moment, calculating his response. When she detected a hesitation in him, her demeanor shifted noticeably. She nearly smiled.
"I know you want to."
Fuck, he thought.
