My friend Jerome was going to be in town, which was a blessing and a curse. Jerome is the kind of person who always makes things happen. My wife hates him. I've been sober for eleven years, so suffice it to say that I'm the kind of person who likes things to happen, but maybe also the kind of person who knows that a lot of things that happen aren't so good for any of us.
Because my wife hates him so much, Jerome never stays with us when he visits, and I go out with him a few evenings and let my wife put the kids to bed. It was the second evening we were out that he made the amazing thing happen. He was staying in an airbnb, and he said I should just meet him there, and we could figure out where to go to dinner from there. Jerome claimed to hate making plans, but that had always been a cover for the fact that he just didn't like talking about plans. He almost always had a plan and had painstakingly crafted it, but he didn't want to negotiate in advance about it. That's always been fine with me. I actually do hate making plans, and have eaten some of the best meals of my life with Jerome.
Anyway, I arrived at the airbnb and knocked on the door. I heard Jerome's voice from inside yell "come on in" so I did. I walked right into a pretty nice living room, and there she was standing there, her hair wet as if she had just stepped out of the shower and into her unmatched lace underwear. There was a lamp positioned so its light fell right on her incredible body, as if it had been meticulously placed to illuminate her breasts and belly and thighs. Her body was even more magnificent than I had imagined, and I had imagined it a lot. She looked up at me in shock, and bent over covering her breasts over her green lace bra.
"What the fuck Jerome? This wasn't part of the deal. How the fuck do you know Jonathan?"
I just stood there in the door in shock. Whatever was happening was not OK, I knew that. I could tell that from her voice, but I was frozen in place. I couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together yet. My old friend is visiting from out of town. I go to his apartment so we can go out to have a nice meal and catch up. And standing in the living room, bathed in a bright light, is my kid's tutor who I've had a crush on for months, in her underwear with wet hair. I look over at Jerome, but he's looking at her.
"Oh grow up," he says. "I told you it wasn't going to be just me. You knew the score."
She's still bent over kind of covering her breasts, but she hasn't left where she was standing. She also hasn't looked me in the eye. She's not even really looking at Jerome.
"Jesus, man," she says, "if you wanted to see me naked so badly, you could have just asked. You didn't have to get your friend to trick me." At first I didn't realize it, but this was directed at me. She sounded annoyed and maybe disgusted more than angry.
"I swear, I had no idea about this! Jerome didn't tell me anything. Jerome, what the fuck?!" I finally managed to say, my voice rising. "I told you all that the other night in confidence." Now maybe my voice sounded more like I was whining than angry, and that didn't seem like a good look, so I corrected myself, and used my stern adult voice "Jerome, this is unacceptable. Get Caitlin her clothes right now." But nobody moved.
"Oh please Jonny. You didn't tell me that your biggest fear is dying without seeing your kid's tutor's naked tits and expect nothing to happen. You've known me too long for me to believe that. Listen, I get it that you're both surprised, but this can play out in one of two ways, and I feel pretty confident that we're all going to choose the same way once we calm down a little. I know me and Jon want the same thing, and I'm pretty sure Caitlin wants that option too. Right baby?"