(9th in the sequence of Jasmin)
---These are Jasmin's words transcribed from the secret diaries she kept and related to me by her. I have padded the diaries out, particularly the dialogue for a more complete narrative. Jasmin herself feels by turns shame and self-loathing, disgust at the actions of others and at other times, the reason we are writing these events, she feels incredibly turned on. My feelings are my own but we hope you enjoy her experiences---
Mum was really angry with me after I let Graham do it to me in the back of the van. She didn't want me back home after that. I thought I had hurt Damien too much to leave Sydney and follow him to Newcastle. It would mean I would have to change college as well and leave my friends behind, if I still had friends, which I wasn't so sure about. It seemed I had no choice but to move in with Graham.
Graham's attitude to me sure changed a lot after I moved in as well. Mum used to say Graham totally worshipped the ground I walked on. But it didn't seem like that after I moved in. He sure wanted to do it all the time and we did. But any other time he really didn't seem like he was interested in talking with me.
(Author note, Jasmin told me this before I wrote this part - What really happened was that Graham overheard everything I told mum in the mountains after she caught us doing it in the van. And Graham didn't like what I said one bit. I suppose what happened after isn't all his fault then even though he became a real bastard. I had nowhere else to go but with him. I didn't find out he heard what I said until it was too late. But I believe now it was better he was such a bastard. Otherwise I might still be with him and now so many years later if he became such a prick I could be more trapped by having children with him. Maybe God was helping me by letting him overhear. But I sure didn't think so at the time as you will see.)
So Graham and I only seemed to connect when we were having sex. He wanted it and I just let him. I started to enjoy sex less and Graham wasn't considerate of any need or emotions I had when we did it. Most of the time it was just about him screwing me until he came and then he wasn't interested in me, usually going right to sleep. Ironically, mum had argued with me that Damien would be exactly like that and she tried so hard to get me together with Graham. Graham was what she had feared, almost without care for me at all.
The sex we had was not so satisfying for me almost immediately. If he didn't play with my very responsive breasts, principally my long nipples from time to time when we did it then I probably would never have cum with him. He never usually lasted long enough for me to cum from his dick alone.
After a week at Graham's my period was nearly due. I always get stomach cramps about a week before my period comes and I didn't have any at all. I made sure Graham always used a condom so I pretty much knew any baby was not going to be his. Just more than a week earlier that was what I really wanted. I knew Damien had to be the father and that was what I had hoped for, that I would have something from Damien after all.
But when I thought for sure I was pregnant I was terrified. I felt by then Graham didn't love me the way he should so I didn't know what I was going to do. No way did I want to go back to mum's place. I could just imagine the "I told you so's" even though she had pushed for me to get together with Graham.
I took the day off from TAFE college and went to see a doctor. The test said I was definitely pregnant. I talked to the doctor about the right kind of eating and good vitamins to take. No way would I have an abortion for Damien's baby, it was all I had from him apart from the engagement ring I was hiding. So after the doctor I went and did a little shopping before I went back to my new home and waited for Graham to get off work. He was working afternoon shift with the fire brigade so would be home around 10:30 that night.
I lit candles around the house leading from the front door to the bedroom. I heard him asking what was going on but I didn't answer. I lay on the bedspread on the double bed waiting for him. At the shops I also bought a white lacy bra and thong set. The white looked good against my skin, and I was nice and tanned by then from lying around the pool in the back yard. He loved seeing me in my bright green bikini but this was new. The lace set was all I was wearing.
I heard him say, "Just give me a minute, Jace, ok?"
Graham had company with him. I felt stupid. Graham sometimes came back with a couple of the guys after work for a drink outside around the pool. I hadn't heard of Jace, maybe Jason, before though.
I pretended to be asleep when he walked in the bedroom. I had planned to start some enigma on the stereo and do a sexy dance but that wasn't going to happen now. Through my slitted eyes I could see well enough, I thought. Hopefully Graham would get rid of Jason and come straight back to me.
Graham's eyes widened when he saw me. His mouth opened and it looked like he couldn't speak. He shut his mouth and opened it another couple of times while his eyes travelled my body. "Mmmm," he finally sighed. "God you look great, Jasmin. Did you dress up just for me?"
I continued the pretence of sleeping. It really would have been better if I could just crawl into bed and go to sleep then. He could go and entertain his friend without worrying about me then. I should have called him at work and made sure he would come home alone.
Graham always showered and changed before he came home. He was only wearing shorts and an old t-shirt. I could see he was in two minds about wether to stay and take his clothes off or go and join his friend.
I could have died when, after rapping his fingers against his thigh while he considered, it looked like his face grew a smirk and he turned to the doorway. He stepped into the hall and called quietly, "Jace, come here but stay quiet."
The guy was there in a moment. I couldn't see him very clear through my lashes with the poor candle light. But he was about Graham's height, 5' 10" with frizzy dark hair. "Oh, wow," Jason exclaimed. "She is hot, what a body, nice face, long hair... yeah you are a lucky fella." His accent was slow, a real drawl like he wasn't from Sydney at all. "The other fellas never said your sheila was asian dude."
Sheila? Not many people said sheila in the nineties, especially young people like us.
"She's half Japanese," Graham volunteered. "Her mum's Aussie."
"A nip, hey. I never seen a nip sheila like this before." Jason was maybe in his late twenties judging by his voice, a fair bit older than us. But not that much older really. I couldn't believe Graham had invited him into the bedroom. How embarrassing. If I 'woke up' I'd feel even more embarrassed. "Those knockers!" Jason exclaimed. "Look at them buds, incredible."
"Keep it down, man," Graham cautioned him. "She'll wake up. Ok, you've seen her, now let's go."
"Mate, I'll take twenty dollars off if you let me see your sheila's knockers."
"Hey no," said Graham. "You can pretty much see 'em and they're small anyway."
I was also thinking, no way. And I wondered what the twenty dollars was about as well. Maybe Graham was buying some Pot from Jason. He liked it. I used it sometimes but with my asthma it didn't agree with me much. And I sure wouldn't use it now I was pregnant.
Jason didn't take no for an answer. In a couple of steps he was around the bottom of the bed to my side and leaning over me. He was aboriginal! That's why his hair was frizzy and he talked different. I nearly freaked out right then.
"What are you doing?" asked Graham. "Shhh, you'll wake her." Graham moved after him but Jason had already reached between my breasts. The palms of his hand were very light, almost a pink kind of colour. The rest of him was very dark. I couldn't believe Graham brought an aboriginal to the house. I wondered what if he was looking around everywhere at what was in the house to come back later when no one was home or what if I was home alone and he broke in?
His dark fingers were at my lacy bra. The catch was on the front.
