I spent many long, miserable years pining after a boy who didn't know I was alive. My older sister, she was a goddess. Tall, slender, beautiful, graceful, the 1000 watt smile and personality that would light up a room. So many boys were head over heels for her, but none as much as Jake.
He spent day after day at our house being led around by the nose just waiting for her to crook a finger. If he stayed close enough, she would notice him, she would fall for him. He watched her date asshole after asshole, the whole time she kept him, and other boys as well, on the hook.
I was younger than her by four years, which meant he was five years older. For a highschooler to look at a middle schooler was unheard of, but I hoped and fantasized and dreamed. I wrote him letters I never gave him, pouring my heart out to him. He never looked my way. I was the annoying little sister, the odd one.
I had been born premature and I stayed small my whole life. I never had the model long legs, the graceful sway, the bright smile and glowing personality. I was a nerd who liked the wrong clothes and the wrong music. Worse, I never even hit five feet. In a family full of exceptional athletes and tall adonises, I was some sort of weird throwback. Like Danny Devito in Twins. Both my younger brothers had outgrown me by fifth grade, turning into basketball players. My sister the homecoming queen, my brothers the superstar basketball players and me. The quiet kid in the corner with a book. The one with the flannel shirt four sizes too big (nothing is worse than getting your YOUNGEST brothers hand me downs) and the jeans from the kids section at walmart.
My house was the party house. My older sister, and older brother were popular, my younger brothers too. We were dirt poor but no one cared. Everyone was always at my house. All my siblings had names but me. We were Angel, Aric, Adam, Asher and Angels little sister. That's who I was. Angels little sister. Or, depending on who you talked to, Adams little sister, Arics little sister or Ashers little sister. It didn't matter that I was older than Adam and Asher, I was still their little sister. If pressed for a name, they would usually joke, 'well I know it starts with an A!'. (It didn't.) Of course it didn't. I was the ONE child my father got to name and I am pretty sure it was because my mother didn't expect me to live. I wasn't supposed to live more than three days. So I got to be named after a character in my fathers favorite book series. Nynaeve. A name no one could pronounce, a name no one had ever heard of.
Years later, I still thought of Jake and how much I had adored him. I wondered about him, what had become of him. Was he still pining after Angel? Even after she had married a rich guy, had his child and divorced him, taking him for a criminal amount of money. Almost immediately, she started seeing another rich man, but hadn't married him yet. She wanted to milk the first guy for all he was worth first. I had never understood my sister.
I glanced around the greyhound bus, though I couldn't see anyone really. It was dark and everyone was napping. I couldn't sleep. Every time I took a trip home, my mind went back to those days, the insecurity, the anger, the unrequited love. I was in college now, I hadn't seen my sister in years. I hadn't seen Jake in years. My mother gave me updates on Angel and I followed her on facebook, but not Jake. He wasn't on facebook. I always imagined him going into farming like his father and grandfather. It was the thing to do in our small hometown. Farming or the factory. I could see his sparkling brown eyes when he smiled, matching his dark brown hair. He was adorable. He wasn't model perfect, he was too short for one. Shorter than my sister even if not by much. Anyone could have told him that would have ruled him out. She never dated anyone shorter than she was.
The guy across the isle flipped his light on and opened a book. He glanced up and met my eyes and smiled. He was cute in a skinny, hipster sort of way. Not my type, but it was nice to be smiled at. I smiled back.
"You traveling all alone?" he asked in a condescending tone with a mock impressed air.
My smile disappeared and I sighed. "I am on my way home from U.N.O. I'm a sophomore. In college."
"Oh. Oh! Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed... so... you are over eighteen?"
I sighed again and turned to look out the window, ignoring the man. My size was still a huge issue. Most of my college classmates assumed I was some child prodigy and they spoke to me in the same condescending tone the man had used, or they ignored me. The few people, like my roommate, who did know I was over 21 treated me normally, but still excluded me. I was too much trouble. The one time they tried to bring me clubbing, the bouncer refused to let me in. He said no matter how good the forgery, my ID still had to be fake. It had caused a huge scene. I wasn't worth that much trouble. She had tried to set me up a few times, but the guys usually showed no interest. Polite but disinterested. The one guy who did seem interested very crassly asked me if my pussy was as tight as he was imagining it was. Gross. No thanks.
So I learned to adjust my life to this norm and didn't resent it too much anymore. I avoided going home unless it was like now. Summer break. I didn't get the internship I had last summer like I wanted to. They told me I was already a shoe-in when I graduated, they wanted to try out new interns. I had assumed I was going to get it, they were over the top about how they couldn't wait for me. It never occurred to me they would say no, so I didn't make any other arrangements. Home it was. I hoped it wouldn't be too long, I wanted to find a job quick and get out of there, but I had a hard time getting hired. Interning was the best way for me because they could see how hard I worked and how smart I was before they let their first impressions overrule my credentials. For whatever reason, no one wanted to hire a girl who looked like she should still be in middle school.
To my shock, the man moved to the seat next to me, smiling down at me with an open grin. "I didn't mean to offend you," he said quietly. "I bet you get that a lot and you are sick to death of it. What's your major?"
"Industrial Engineering."
"Oh, wow! I am majoring in photography. Maybe you could let me take a few pictures of you? You going all the way to Kansas City or do you have another bus to catch there?"
"I am stopping in KC, but I have an UBER waiting to take me home."
"You live in KC too? I am down by the plaza, how about you?"
"An hour out of town in a farmtown."
"Maybe you could give me your snapchat and we could hook up, I could get some pictures of your farmgirl life?"
"It's a farmtown, but I don't live on a farm. I live in an old trailer in the city proper. It's less Norman Rockwell and more Saatchi."
"Well shit. You are a smart girl, aren't you? What's your name?"
"Nynaeve. Eve for short."
"Nynaeve. Where have I heard that name?"
"It's from a book."
"That's probably where. I'm Lennon. Here, this is my snap," he said, scribbling on a slip of paper he tore off the receipt he was using as a bookmark. "You should keep in touch."
I looked up at the boy and his bright smile. I had learned over the years to read people well, sitting back and watching. He wasn't serious, he was passing time. Flirting because he was bored.
"Sure," I answered, taking the paper. I would toss it later. No reason to hurt his feelings.
He turned towards me, leaning in and putting his hand on my thigh. "You know, I could probably give you a ride once we get to KC. I have a friend picking me up, but he would let me use his car. Give us a little more time to get to know each other." His fingers lightly squeezed my thigh.
I met his eyes as I pushed his hand off my thigh. "No thanks," I answered, not smiling. He took the hint. He offered a halfhearted smile, then moved back to his own seat.
The rest of the trip was short and quiet. I got my bags and climbed into my UBER without ever looking at 'Lennon' (I'd bet money that wasn't his real name) again.
That ride took longer. The huge woman in the front seat was loud and loved to hear herself talk. She also thought she was hilarious. She also thought I was 12 so her jokes were aimed at a juvenile level. It was the longest hour of my life.
Arriving home was with zero fanfare. I opened the front door quietly, then locked it behind me, then collapsed on the familiar old couch and fell asleep. Adam and Asher were supposed to share a room over the summer, but I was certain they wouldn't actually do it until I arrived, which meant the couch for the night. What was left of it.
Morning arrived early with Asher and Adam both leaving early, not saying a word to me, though I knew they saw me. I didn't rate a hello, not this early. They both worked for a farmer in the summer. I didn't know the details, I only knew they posted a lot on facebook about cows and hay and beans and tractors and combines. Words I had grown up with but were as unfamiliar as greek. I had no interest and no interest meant I didn't bother.
My dad was up next and he offered a small nod before heading out to his shift at the factory. Metal work. A lot of heat, a lot of shitty coworkers and worse bosses.
My mother was last. I was already up and shoving Adams things into the other room when she finally got up.
"Oh! Is it Thursday already?"
"Friday now mom, I got in last night. Did you pick up my scrips?"
"No, forgot. Well you are settling in well enough. Did you eat? Is there any left?"
"No, not yet. I didn't make anything. I was going to head up to the store, I will grab an apple there."
"Pick up milk," she said, closing herself into the bathroom.
I sighed. "Hello to you too," I whispered.
I knew I had a bike in the old shed somewhere, but I decided to walk the six blocks to the little five and dime. It was early enough it was still cool out and there were hardly any people there.
Walking out, I got the shock of my life. Jake. Jake Mason was standing next to his same old truck talking to Stoney Allard. My hand went to my loose ponytail and I tried to straighten the old tshirt I was wearing. Was it obvious I wasn't wearing a bra? Shit!
Maybe I could sneak around?
I no sooner had the thought than he turned and looked right at me, Stoney too. His eyes took me in and he offered a partial smile, his eyes sparkling. "You look familiar," he offered.
My heart sank.
"That's Arics little sister. Ava? Ava," Stoney offered. Hell he was almost close!
"Eve," I corrected quickly, still staring wide eyed at Jake.
