I Am Whom I Am and Why

I missed my period two months in a row. I visited the university doctor and she confirmed that I was pregnant.

I now needed the courage to tell Sean. We were still seeing each other but we hadn't had sex since that first time. I visited Sister Jerome and sobbed out my sad story. She was quite understanding in a clerical kind of way. She told me that God would forgive me for being such a sinner and having sex outside of marriage. Naturally the topic of termination didn't come up.

One Friday night after a really good session at the pub, Sean was in a good mood. I had forgone my orange juice for gin and tonic, which I knew I shouldn't do. My head was spinning when I confronted Sean and just blurted out "Sean, we are going to have a baby."

He stared at me with a blank look in his eyes.

"But ..."

"Yes" I said "That first time."

He sat down and put his head in his hands. Both our worlds were about to change. Termination was out of the question because of my faith and he understood that.

"Give me a few days to think about this, my love." He finally said and smiled.

I was relieved when I saw the smile but I was still apprehensive.

He went to the bar and ordered a bottle of whisky, then sat in the corner with me and quietly drank himself into a stupor.

Three days later he appeared in front of my desk in the University Library and looked down at me. He leant forwards with his elbows on the desk and put his face close to mine.

"Will you marry me?" He whispered and opened his clenched fist revealing a diamond ring.

I was so relieved. I wanted to tell the whole world. I jumped across the desk throwing my arms around him and kissed him firmly on the lips. There was going to be sex tonight I thought and there was.

I had known him for little over two months and now I was going to marry him. My University course would have to go on hold if I was going to be a "good" mother.

But that would be a small price to pay.

The wedding was a small affair in a room at the back of our favourite pub. There was no honeymoon as Sean couldn't get any time off work. We rented a small house in one of the outer suburbs and were a happily married couple waiting for their first baby to arrive.

The time arrived and I went into labour. It was a long but natural birth. Eventually after much coaxing and cursing by me, Zac made his grand entry to the world. It was a joyous moment and Sean went off to celebrate with his two mates Johnno and Paul.

The ensuing months were difficult. I found breast feeding difficult and Zac always seemed to be hungry. He cried a lot and Sean and I would have given anything for a good night's sleep. But like most young families we managed to get through it.

The next few years seemed to fly past quite quickly. Zac became ill and we had to have his tonsils removed. He was growing quickly and was a cute little miniature of his Dad. He went to Kindy and finally we felt our freedom return when he started proper school at the age of six.

It was about that time there was a downturn in the economy and Sean's overtime was reduced. This hurt us financially as a family. As things declined Sean was asked to take all the holidays due to him. Then he was reduced to a four day week, then a three day week and finally he was retrenched.

During this time the strain on Sean became evident. He spent more time with his two friends. They drank together for hours each day. Sean was coming home late at night, drunk and out of his mind. He was losing it. He was becoming irrational. He was getting into fights and coming home with blood all over him. I was fearful he might become violent towards Zac and me. Our savings ran out and we relied on social security payments to live. We seemed to be in a never ending downward spiral and landlord was constantly reminding us that our rent was getting further and further behind. It was becoming obvious that it was only a matter of time before he evicted us.

One day I came home from picking up Zac from school to find the three of them sitting in the lounge smoking Ice (crystal methamphetamine). I was furious that he could waste our meagre income on drugs while Zac and I were going without. I found out later this had been going on for months without my knowledge.

All three of them, Sean, Johnno and Paul stormed out of the house in a rage and disappeared, presumable to the local pub where they had almost become permanent fixtures in recent months.

I gave Zac his dinner and put him to bed. He wanted to know why I was crying. But I was beside myself. I sat down and was watched TV. At about 10:00pm Sean and his two friends burst in through the front door. I sprang to my feet and confronted them. They were covered in blood and I assumed they had all been in a fight.

Sean's face was red with rage. He was out of his mind.

"Get out of my way you fuckin' slut cunt." He yelled as he approached me.

I didn't see the punch that broke my cheekbone and nose. I just remember lying on my back on the floor looking up at the ceiling with the three of them standing above me, shouting and waving their arms.

Sean stood over me with his feet on either side of my chest. He dropped his pants and pulled out his cock. He dropped to his knees pinning my arms to the floor and forced his cock into my mouth. It wasn't erect but it filled my mouth all the same. In an attempt to push it in deeper he leant forwards, his huge belly smothering my broken face and making it difficult for me to breath The pain was unbearable. I don't know how long he lay on my face. I think I was in shock, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Everything seemed so surreal. Then he sat up. He seemed almost oblivious to the fact that I was underneath him. He arrogantly took a swig from his can of beer. His hips moved rhythmically back and forth as he pleasured himself in me. Then without warning he vomited, covering my head and face in his vomit.

He finally finished with my mouth. The taste and smell of his semen seemed to engulf me. It was everywhere. It was in my throat and in my nose. I felt that I was choking. He was heavy as he sat on my chest, blood was running down the back of my nose. I tried to swallow but couldn't. I thought that I was going to die. Who would look after Zac? Was he going to kill Zac too? I was so helpless. He looked down and made eye contact with me and laughed. His eyes were vacant and yet they were filled with hatred. I had never seen him look like this before and I am still haunted by it. He waved his fist and threatened to hit me again. I turned my head. Thankfully he lost his balance and fell off me and onto the floor beside me in a drunken, drug induced stupor.

While he had been on top of me, Johnno and Paul had taken it upon themselves to pull my tights down. They pulled my legs apart and were pushing goodness knows what into my vagina. I couldn't see them because of Sean's hulk sitting on top of me and obscuring my view. What ever it was they were doing, it was causing excruciating pain. The pain in my lower tummy was almost worse than giving childbirth. Sean's cock had prevented my screams of pain from being heard and they had only came out as a mumble. I was told later at the hospital that they had both unlawfully violated my vagina. (This site won't let me use the råpe word.)Their semen was found deep inside me. Their attack had been so intense that the tampon I was wearing was forced up into my uterus. The surgeons found it and removed it later on that night when they were trying to repair the internal damage.

My blood was found on the end of a broom handle and other items phallic shaped items we had in our lounge.

When Sean's two friends had finished with me they proceeded to kick me and urinate on me. It must have been about then that the police arrived. I didn't realise it was the police. In all my confusion I was just aware that the room was suddenly filled with faces. People were shouting. I can't remember exactly, it was about then that I lost consciousness.

I can remember the rocking of the ambulance and the noise of the siren. My next memory was being surrounded by people in green masks and gowns. There was a bright light above me. It was a hospital operating room. There were people giving orders as I was attached to various electronic machines. I mustered all my strength and whispered "Zac? Zac? Where's Zac?"

Someone squeezed my right hand and whispered in my ear "He is safe. He is with your neighbours. Now go to sleep, love, it is all over."

As the anaesthetic wore off I became aware of all the tubes in my arms. I couldn't open my left eye and it took all my effort to move my arm. Through my blurred vision I could see the nurse looking down at me. I shuddered as I remembered the moment that Sean had looked down at me with that look of hatred in his eyes. I began to cry.

She took my hand in hers and gently stoked my forehead. I sobbed and sobbed.

"There, there. It's alright. Doctor will be here in a moment."

I sobbed my self to sleep before he arrived.

I was in hospital for six weeks. They repaired the depressed fracture to my left cheek. They straightened my broken nose. They strapped my two broken ribs. They told me I would not be able to have any more children. The blurred vision in my left eye decreased as the swelling went down.

They arranged for Zac to be brought in to see me each day after school. I hugged and hugged him each time he visited and each time I sobbed uncontrollably.

I had numerous visits from the police asking me if I could remember any more details of what had happened. I told them everything I could remember, but their questions seemed to have an ulterior agenda and not necessarily about what happened to me.

Finally a very important sounding Detective Inspector told me that after I had walked in on the three boys during their Crystal Meth episode they had gone out and robbed a petrol station. During the robber they had bashed the cashier. He died in hospital two days later.