In those months after Richard started fucking me it all became a routine. Classes during the week and hanging with my roommates. Weekends mostly alone with Em since the others would visit friends and family. Tonight, we are having a movie night. Em talked to me about what happened again. I tried to keep the topic on her but she changed it around. We had the TV on pause while sitting in the communal living room alone together.
"He hasn't been mean to you Maddy, really?"
I shook my head at her. "No, not any more than the usual Dick." Em giggled at my joke but had to push on.
"He stares at you alot, you know? I just wonder what he is thinking. Or what he is going to do to you." The thoughts seemed to trouble her deeply. Worry lines on her forehead appeared when she looked up at me from her lap. "He just reminds me of those old nature documentary videos, where the snake watches the bird."
My mind immediately thought of a snake fucking a bird. Outrageous and hilarious and way too inappropriate to laugh at right now. Don't smile. Keep a straight face. "I am more than willing to get a little rough with Richard, if it keeps you and other women safe from his abuse."
"Rough?" Em shook her head, I could see she wasn't convinced.
"You see, I have had a few private conversations with Dick about where I stand on the issue."
I stayed super cool, checking out my nails as if a little bit of dirt under them was more important than our topic.
She looked at me again, searching my eyes. Then looked down at her lap again. She was so submissive I wanted to tilt her head up and straighten her spine myself. "I have been so worried Maddy, he looked so angry with you that day, now he just watches you all the time. And totally ignores me, which is confusing because he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who just gives up, you know?" She looked away from me to the TV and pressed the button to play the movie again. Dropping the subject completely.
Little did she know what Richard is doing. What I am doing.
Or maybe, little do I know?
Because two days later I noticed that he crashed my Aerobic kickboxing class. We had had a substitute teacher for three classes and with a large class it was pretty easy for people to come and go during the busy week around midterm. We were doing a basic kicking and punching routine at the beginning of class when I noticed him in the back. Richard was wearing a grey sweater and blue faded sweatpants, following along with everyone while hiding in the back rows. I pretended not to notice him, since I figured that's what he wanted.
My mind couldn't let go of the feeling of him watching me though. Knowing that everytime my ass clenched or I squat down or moved that he saw my body sexually. That he was watching my every move and could see my body in my tight exercise clothes. I felt completely exposed in my spandex yoga pants and cotton tank top. I felt like I was flaunting my sexy body shamefully. Wondering if that is how he felt about women. Did he hate me?
When class was over I didn't want to change my clothes and just rushed out of the locker room while throwing a big sweater over my head. It hit me at the knees and felt damn reassuring as I stode out to the parking lot and to Miranda's car that I had left out there. I looked over my shoulder several times and didn't see anyone else around. I guess my classmates hadn't fled as quickly as I did today.