Heart of Gold

Many thanks to SevenSwans252 for first editing and improving this story and to g1dnshwrgr1 for further editing that made it much better.

Tremendous gratitude to Ginger_Scent for discovering major flaws that, once fixed, raised the whole story to a higher level.

"Oh my god, it's Bozo! What in the world is he doing here?"

"Who's Bozo?" asked Don, looking in the direction where Ilinka was staring.

She didn't hear him because she had jumped out of her chair, run to the bar and screamed before she kissed a burly man in a baggy sweater on the cheek. She threw her arms around him and gave him a big hug.

Bozo, who sported a thick, shaggy beard, seemed to be just as shocked to see her, and for the next ten minutes Don watched them talking animatedly. Then Bozo said something, and she quickly turned to look at Don. He could see that she was embarrassed that she had forgotten he was there. She grabbed Bozo by the hand and pulled him to their table.

"Don," she said, "this big ugly bear is Bozo. The last time I saw him was fifteen years ago, and I thought I'd never see him again. But here he is in the United States, and he shows up in this restaurant. Bozo, this is Don, my husband."

"Pleased to meet you," Bozo said. His accent was so thick, Don barely understood him.

"Won't you sit down?" Don asked.

"I am sorry," Bozo said. "Must get back to work. Take break for drink."

"Maybe we can get together some other time," Don said. "How do you know Ilinka?"

"Bozo used to be my boss," she said.

A look of concern crossed Bozo's face, and he said something to Ilinka in their language.

"Don't worry, Bozo," she said in English. "Don knows. He's all right with it."

"Oh, he was that boss," said Don.

"Yes, Bozo's a director," said Ilinka. "He told me that a big web company brought him and his entire production team and a bunch of actresses over here. Their studio's a couple of blocks away. Isn't that amazing?"

"Ilinka wonderful lady," Bozo said. "You very lucky. She tell me she lucky to find you. Congratulations. Wonderful kids, too. You lucky man. Wish you much happiness. Must go now. Bye."

"You are wonderful, too, Bozo," she said, wrapping her hands around his neck and looking at him with her face inches from his. "I hope you find happiness in the States, too."

She kissed him on the cheek again and let him go. When she sat down, Don saw tears in her eyes as she turned to him and sniffled before she spoke.

"I'm glad I saw him again. I wondered what had become of him."

************

The first thing Don noticed about Ilinka was her stunning beauty. It was an unusual, striking beauty because of her Eastern European bloodlines. She said she didn't know much about her ancestry, but Don was sure there was gypsy in there somewhere. He told her that's why she was so passionate and also so mercenary. She told him he insulted her with his stupid stereotype.

When he asked her out, she was hesitant at first. On their first date, she said she liked him but that she was dating several other men and intended to continue doing so. They had a good time together, but she held back from emotional involvement.

After they had been seeing each other a few months, he hesitantly asked her about her other male friends and found out she was no longer dating them. She seemed embarrassed to tell him. He began suggesting that she move in with him, and a couple of weeks later, she agreed, but not enthusiastically.

As he got to know her in close quarters, he realized she had some strange personality traits. She didn't want to talk about her life before she came to the United States at nineteen. He figured that this reticence and her obsession with money came from growing up in poverty. Her suspicious nature and inclination to think the worst about people before she got to know them may have come from those days, too. He encouraged her to become to become more open and trusting, but he could tell it was hard for her.

The more of her human failings he discovered, the more his affection for her grew. He didn't tell her of his feelings because in the two years they had been together, she never indicated that he was more than a friend with benefits.

One day, Don woke up and realized that being with her exclusively was making him feel ready to settle down. He never thought it would happen, but he craved stability and security in his personal life. He even thought about having children. He wondered if she ever had similar thoughts and guessed that if she did, he was not part of them.

For weeks, he went back and forth in his mind about whether to say anything. If he told her how he felt, it might be the end of them being together. On the other hand, he yearned for something permanent. Finally, he decided to plunge ahead.

One night when they were having dinner at home, he asked her, "Have you ever thought of what you'd say if I asked you to marry me?"

She seemed to jump in her chair.

"Don't be silly," she said dismissively. "Aren't we happy together? Why would you want to destroy that?"

"I'm serious, Ilinka. On our first date, you told me you were looking for Mr. Moneybags, and I'm not him. Is that still the way you feel? Just tell me the truth, even though I may not like it."

"You're funny, Don. You say that to me, but I know what you tell your friends. You only like being with me because I'm exotic, strange, like from a different planet. I'm your alien plaything until you find a real human girl."

"Stop right there!"

"I'm not done."

"I don't care. I never said anything like that. I may have talked about your beauty, but that's only one thing I love about you, and it's not even the most important. Is that the kind of man you think I am? How can you stand being in the same room with such a pig?"

"Just because you think of me as a curiosity doesn't make you a pig," she retorted. "You've always respected me, and I know you care for me in a certain way. I think you're using me to attract attention from other girls, but I don't resent it.

"I've hesitated to tell you this, because I didn't want to get into an argument, but I think you're too picky. I've seen some nice girls who are much prettier than me throw themselves at you.

"I hope you when you find someone beautiful enough, she will worthy of your love. I don't need love. I was in love once when I was very young, and it hurt a lot. Friendship can hurt, too, but not as bad as love."

"So you wouldn't be interested in spending the rest of your life with me and having a family?"

"You make it sound real, but it's a fantasy. We aren't good for each other that way. Why look for trouble?"

"Trouble is always around the corner, Ilinka," he said. "You don't have to look for it. But you do have to look for happiness. Maybe you're right. I read where researchers found the happiest men are married men, and single women are happier than married women. So I guess I need to find a woman who's willing to be unhappy with me.

"I realized I loved you when I began wanting to make you happy. If that means giving you up to another man, I'm not going to fight it. I hope I've made you a little bit happy the last two years. I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry."

"I'm crying because you really annoy me, Don," she said. "You don't know me at all."

"And you obviously don't know me, Ilinka," he said, "even though you've been with my family when they visited, and all of them like you. But I know what I want for the future, and it's a wife and family. It sounds like that would be boring to you. You probably want a more exotic lifestyle."

"Stop saying exotic or I'll scream! Yes, I come from the East and my childhood was a lot different than yours. But you know I'm a hundred per cent American, even if I'm not a citizen yet. I'm all business. I go after my dreams and don't let anyone stop me. Remember when you called me ruthless? You were surprised when I told you that I considered that a compliment.

"I like being with you because you've made me a little softer and more open. Thanks to you, I have more friends now than I ever had. I've tried to get you to be more suspicious because your heart is too big, and you are always the sucker."

"Why wouldn't our chemistry work just as well when we are married? Is it because you don't want children?"

"Oh no," she said. "That's one of my goals. And children need a father with plenty of money to provide for us while I raise them. One of my friends told me the name for me is gold digger. Once I have children, I know they will be the center of my life."

"You have some strange ideas, Ilinka," he said. "Would you really have children if you can't love them. You just told me how much love hurts."

"Of course, I'd love them, like I love my mother and she loves me. That can hurt, too, but it's a different kind of love."

"What about your husband?"

"What about him?"

"If you love your children, wouldn't you want them to grow up happy and secure and have good marriages? If your husband is an afterthought, that's going to affect them. Don't take my word for it. There have been lots of studies about children in loveless marriages."

"You swallow a lot of that American psychological stuff, Don. That's not how we think in Europe."

"This conversation is going nowhere," he said. "I guess you're telling me you don't love me and, even if you did, I don't have enough money to provide whatever it is you want for your kids. Am I right?"

She said nothing for a while, and he saw her struggling with her answer. Finally, she said quietly, "Yes, that's right." He saw she was looking at her hands, not at him.

"Thank you for being honest, Ilinka," he said. "I'm going to start looking around. I think you're right. I need to begin dating other women and find another place to live."

She raised her head, and he saw she was crying. He pulled her to her feet and embraced her.

"Don't worry, Ilinka," he said. "You like to pretend you are cold and calculating, but I know you're a warm, caring woman underneath. When you find a man you really love, he'll be able to open up that side of you and you'll have a wonderful marriage and family. That's what you deserve."

His words didn't seem to comfort her, because she cried on his shoulder for a long time.

*****************

They didn't see much of each other the next three weeks, because both of their work schedules were loaded. Occasionally, they made love, but Don could feel something missing. It was still pleasurable, but now there seemed to be a sadness afterward. Once he woke in the middle of the night and heard her weeping. He put his arm around her, but she started and turned away from him and pushed her head into her pillow.

Four weeks later, he arrived home from work and found her sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of wine. Her eyes were red.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You! You're wrong. I feel terrible, and it's your fault. Tell me about all your dates with other women."

"What dates?"

"That's what I mean. And what have you done about moving out?"

"Nothing. What have you done?"

"Nothing, the same as you. I don't want to let you go either, but we have to."

"Tell me again why we have to."

"You like this, don't you? I hate suffering, but you wallow in it."

"Wait a minute? Who turned who down? You told me you don't love me."

"You're a monster. You twist my words."

"I've never seen you like this! What's going on?"

"You're stupid, too."

"Yes, I'm stupid, because I'm just starting to get it. All I want is the truth, Ilinka. Do you love me?"

"I'm not going to answer that question, because it's too ridiculous. I would make you the unhappiest man in the world. Just like right now you're making me the unhappiest woman in the world."

"This isn't like you, Ilinka. You're usually all business. Tomorrow, I'm going to be all business like you. I'm buying a ring. Don't worry. I know you. I'll buy it from a place where you can exchange it for one that you like better. Tomorrow night, we have an appointment at seven, and you better be ready."

"No, Don," she said. "No ring tomorrow. But I'll be ready. I've had too much wine to talk tonight. But tomorrow I'll be ready to make you understand why we can never marry."

**************

"I'm going to tell the truth, Don," she said the next night when they went to the living room after dinner. He had noticed her eyes were red again when he came home.

"I don't know why, but right after we started dating, I decided I would never lie to you. I lie all the time to other people, but I'm working on that. I needed to lie often in the old country, but in America, you only need to lie a little bit. Being with you has made me want to stop lying.

"So I never lied, but I hid the truth. Tonight, no more. You're going to hear some things that will make your American heart grow cold. You will feel completely different about me. I never wanted to tell you these things, because I know what they will do to you.

"I'm not afraid of how you will treat me after I tell you. I can deal with whatever you say. But I know it will eat you up. You are so open and trusting and naive. You'll try to forgive me, but that won't help you. You will still be sick inside. But I have to do this so you can find someone who will bring you happiness.

"The first thing I have to admit is something I've tried denying to myself. The fact is, I love you. No, don't get up. Sit there until I'm done.

"I realize now that I love you more than anyone I've ever loved or will ever love again. You are everything I want in a man. Just being with you makes me think that I'm a better person than I really am.

"That's the only reason I'm sitting here telling you this. I'm going to move out by next week. You need to forget me and move forward. Tonight, I'm the mother giving the horrible medicine that she hopes will make her child get well.

"I'm not going to bore you with my whole life story. Being poor is boring, but as a child, I didn't realize it. I grew up with only a mother, but I had lots of friends and a happy childhood. I was never abused physically or sexually. I tell you that for a reason.

"When I was a teenager, I became aware of two things. One was how poor my mother and I were and how little chance I had to escape a life similar to hers. She was comforted by religion, but as you know, I think that's superstition, so it never helped me accept the way things are.

"The second thing I realized was that I was beautiful. I don't know how it happened, because if you look at pictures of me as a child, I wasn't one of the cute ones. But somehow I came out with this body and this face, and when I was around sixteen. I noticed friends and strangers were starting to treat me differently.

"As you know, I'm not stupid. When I thought about the future, my goal was to have money. Yes, I wanted to help my mother, but mostly I wanted it for myself. I didn't want to end up like her. I needed to escape.

"I began to read about making money, and I discovered that all the books about people who were poor and found a way to become rich were translations and came from the same country: the United States of America.

"I began reading about America, and I realized that the best chance I would have to escape poverty would be to come here. I started investigating and soon realized that it would be almost impossible. I was young, I didn't know English and I had little work experience. Even if I qualified, it would take years until I could get a place on the quota list. But I put in my application anyway and started learning English.

"I met a nice gentleman at the American legation, and I got the idea that for certain favors, he would speed up the process. I had just recently started having sex with boys, and I thought about it, but when I thought about America, it was like a dream. Everything was idealized. America was where you only needed to work hard and you would be happy. I didn't want to start my fantasy on my back.

"How naive I was, and how funny were my feelings when I tell you what happened later! Well, this gentleman was still nice to me, even though I refused to give him sex. I think he enjoyed being seen with me at nice restaurants. We met occasionally to discuss the status of my application, and he was very helpful. One time, he told me that it's too bad I was beautiful and poor, because if I was ugly and rich, I would already be in America.

"I asked him what he meant, and he said that immigrants who could show that they had enough money to survive without finding a job right away moved to the head of the line. They wouldn't be applying for welfare, and they might even start businesses that gave jobs to other Americans. People with money were more welcome in America than poor people.

"Now I was more frustrated. There was my ticket to America. All I needed was money. What a laugh! Three days later, I met a guy at a party, and we began talking. I liked him immediately, maybe because he told me I was beautiful, but then acted like it didn't matter. I asked him why he said that but didn't come on to me or at least start talking stupid stuff, and he said it was because he knew a lot of beautiful women.

"You can imagine how that intrigued me. We left the party and went to his apartment, where we talked until three in the morning. Or I should say, I talked about an hour and told him all my dreams, and then he talked the rest of the time about how I might be able to achieve them. We didn't have sex that first night, but when I left his apartment, I was happier than I had been since I was a child.

"He told me that because of my looks, I had choices other women didn't have. I could get a job in the tourist industry -- in a hotel, at an airline, at a car rental agency, at a tour company -- where I was likely to run into an occasional older, wealthy single American man. When I found one who suited me, I shouldn't have any trouble roping him in, and he would be my ticket to America. He said America was full of ugly old men who had purchased beautiful East European wives.

"Another way would be to sign up with a mail-order bride company. Those ugly rich Americans were coming over every day buying the beautiful woman they saw online and taking her home. It was a big business.

"He said the only problem with those ways was that sometimes the man was damaged. He could be a great husband, but he could also be mentally disturbed or even dangerous. If I got one of those, I would need to get a divorce, but if I did it too quickly, I might be deported. It sounded horrible.

"After I told him how much money the American official said I needed to have to move to the top of the quota list, he thought of a third way. I could go to work for him. He was a porn producer and director, and he told me that if I worked hard, I could make the money in a year. He said it wasn't easy work, but I had big goals and sounded determined. Maybe I would have the motivation.

"The next day, I called up a girlfriend who had done some porn. She told me this guy had was the top producer in the country and had a great reputation for treating his employees well. He paid more than anyone else. She said it wasn't that hard, except for the stuff that hurt or was disgusting. Of course, that stuff paid a lot more than the easy stuff.

"I went out with Bozo, and we enjoyed being with each other, including sex. He didn't try to recruit me, but I continued to think about what he had told me that first night. I decided to find out more about it.

He let me come over to his studio and watch some filming. I was eighteen and thought I knew all about sex, but I was shocked by some of the things I saw. I asked him a lot of questions, and he could tell I was interested but scared. He told me that he would never pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do. He also said I should wait at least a week to make a decision.