He Used My Trauna Against Me

All characters in sexual situations are fictional and 18 years of age and older.

Sensitive readers are warned!

The story contains elements of coercion and trauma, but nothing illegal since I was above the age of consent. This story is real and happened to me growing up.

The backstory long so skip to the second "---------------" for the purely sexual part

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I had once again had been fighting with my foster care family and honestly I just wanted to get out of there and/or die. We had been arguing quite a lot lately. They together with my social worker had tried to force me into trauma therapy and I really didn't want to do it. I never wanted to think, talk or remember what had happened and it felt like they wanted the exact opposite of that.

The first time that I met him was when I ran away after one of those fights and went to the library to escape the cold spring evening. Standing at the checkout was my classmate's older brother Matthew. Since he was almost double the age of his brother he had moved out and I had only seen him through my classmates tagging him in posts. He seemed like a strange but sweet guy. I walked up to him and soon we were chatting and joking like we were long lost friends. I don't remember what we were talking about but I remember how it made me feel. He made me feel a special way, indescribable by words because it was so intense and deep and all, at a time when I most needed it. He laughed at my jokes, was interested in my life and it filled me with warmth

. He looked at me and I felt seen. He looked at me and made me feel like I was the only person who existed to him right then and there. To him this was important, I was important.

Before he left I told him I really enjoyed talking to him. I left with a warm feeling in my body and soul, but a little sad that he left and I was back in the reality where my life felt like shit.

Later that day I got a notification from instagram, he had found me there through his brother and said it was nice talking to me. After that day we texted every day, all day long, which my teachers weren't too happy about, but summerbreak was only a week away so I couldn't care less about what the hell my teachers wanted. To be honest, I didn't care what anyone or anything wanted. I just wanted to get away. Not only from school but from everything. I just wanted to forget my past and my presence and when I texted with Matthew it was like everything else vanished. When we texted it was like I was in another world, like nothing else existed but him and I. The problem was when he didn't answer, the only thing I could think about was when and what he would write and if i had said or done something wrong. When he wrote, the whole world collapsed and he caught me in his arms. When he didn't text me, it felt like my whole entire world crashed. I did everything I could to get him to write to me, but I was so afraid of sounding like the obsessed teenager I was. It was my personal heaven or hell depending ion f he texted me back or not. After a couple of weeks he started to sometimes write weird stuff, but I didn't really react at first. When he wrote strange things, I just thought he was writing it as a joke. It wasn't dangerous or mean, but it felt awkward sometimes.,so I just let it go, change the subject or go along with the "joke". I was so naive. Just one of the strange things he wrote

-So you are not totally innocent, are you;)?

-Haha, what do you mean?

-Well you've played games before...

-I mean yea?

I didn't really understand what he meant but I didn't want him to think Im stupid or realize I'm too young to use the same slang as him. I understood it was something, but Ijust brushed it off as him being his silly strange self and thought we'd soon change the topic. He didn't answer my text, which made me sit and stare at my phone crying all night because I was afraid I had written something wrong and now he wanted nothing to do with me. But he replied the next day like nothing had happened and I once again was glued to my phone again just waiting for the next response and then the next one.

We fought at home again and I was honestly pissed they wouldn't just leave me alone. They wanted me to go to therapy to talk about what dad did to me, but didn't get the point. I didn't want to think about what dad had done to me, let alone talk about that with anyone.I I just wanted to pretend nothing had happened. Well at least that was what I said to them. When I thought about dad too much I actually texted Matthew about how I felt and some of the stuff that had happened. None of my friends knew about it, they just knew I moved to foster care but not why. My social worker sucked so it wasn't like I could talk to her. He was the only one I felt I could talk to about this stuff. He listened to me and comforted me. It felt like he at my darkest times was holding me tight and keeping me safe through our texts. Every time he didn't answer, I sat there in a panic, wondering what I had done wrong. I was on edge all the time because I didn't want to say anything that would make him abandon me too. I needed him.I really really needed him.

One night I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my "family". Well, mostly I was sucked into the conversation me and Mattiew had on my phone and them watching some stupid reality show. We were talking about a computer game I liked that he also liked when he sent me a meme. Or so it was a picture of his favorite character with the text "nudes?" edited over. I froze. Why did he always have to do this? There hadn't gone a day lately without him constantly bringing up weird topics and I was getting sick of it but I was too afraid of losing him to dare say anything so I just replied:

-Haha

-?

I turned off my phone and joined in on the show they were watching. I wrote him later that day but he did not answer for several days after. It felt like hell.I was so mad at myself about making him leave me. Why was I like this? It was so childish of me to answer that way. He knew how I felt about my body so I should have just sent some funny meme back instead of making it awkward. I made him feel uncomfortable by even thinking that that pic was serious. I didnt know what to do. I just wanted to escape my reality once again and talk to him. I needed him.

His first message after several days of what felt to me like mental torture.

-Want to come over tonight? I can make dinner.

The whole world faded away and I almost felt high. There he was. He hadn't left me. Everything felt okay. Everything was perfect. I couldn't fuck this up again. I just didn't want to fuck things up again. I wanted to hold on to this feeling forever.

- Sure, what time?

- I get off work at 17:00, so give me some time and I'll see you after that.

- What are we gonna do?

- Leave it up to me, it'll be a fun surprise.

-But like are going somewhere after dinner? Should I bring a jacket and like what time should I go home?

- I thought you could sleep over, the bed is quite big and I can sleep on the couch. I don't want you to take the bus alone so late in the evening. You know there are unfortunately some men who see someone like you and... i cant even say it. You have already been through so much.I could not forgive if something had happened to you.

I felt such a warmth in my heart every time we talked, he cared about me in a way no one ever had ever before. He treated me so softly and kindly. Even though I was trying to be so tough on the outside, I felt so fragile, small and hurt on the inside and I think he saw that.

I told my foster mom that I was going to sleep over at a friend's house. That was true,.But if I had said it was my friend's older brother was twice my age, she probably would have taken my phone away never to be seen again and made sure I was moved to another home in some village in the middle of nowhere.

Everything was prepared. He sent over money for the bus ticket and said he would pick me up with his car from the bus stop to drive the last bit to his house. I was so nervous. What if I said something dumb and he wanted me to leave? I can't ask my family home to pick me up from somewhere they don't even know I am? What if he thinks I'm boring? Or ugly? Or bad? Or immature? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Maybe I should cancel. But where would I go? I wanted this, I tried to remind myself. Why did I always have to think so much?

His apartment was nicer than I expected, a little nerdy which was sweet. I noticed the sofa was two-seater.It would have been impossible to sleep in if you were his size, but maybe he had misspoke and wanted me to sleep on it, not him. He had already set the table and to my great relief there was a bottle on the table. We started talking and even though it was the second time we met it felt like he had known me forever. I couldn't remember the last time I had this much fun. The world outside of this room just kind of disappeared. All my problems just dissolved into nothingness when I talked to him. No social workers. No talk about therapy. No arguing. Just him and me.

After we ate, he sat on the couch and patted his knee, like he was trying to signal to me to sit on his lap. I thought he was joking. He continued patting and looking more demandingly at me. I thought that it was some fun bit he played so I walked over giggling all over myself and sat on his lap. Shit. Was giggling too much? I had only had one glass? What if he noticed and thinks I'm immature for not being able to handle more. I looked up and the room was slowly spinning around him. Does that mean I'm spinning too? Does he notice? Just in case, I jumped closer to him on his lap and pressed myself against him. I tried not to giggle but it all felt funny for some reason. I couldn't believe it was true. That someone like him wanted to listen to me, wanted to spend time with me and would even consider paying for the bus ride here. All just because he wanted to see me. I felt so happy and loved sitting in his lap. He wrapped one arm around me while the other was playing with my hair. Ifelt so relaxed tand safe hat I could fall asleep. He looked at me, laughing, and said that it was probably far past my bedtime.

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He lifted me to the bed. I felt so small But small and safe. He helped me take off my hoodie, saying it is way too warm to sleep in.

-But little one, how long have you been wearing your binder*? You know that taking breaks is very important. You can't sleep in it, you might hurt yourself.I don't want you to hurt.

(*garment similar to a sports bra but used to hide/reduce breasts, usually used by ftm)

- Well... I... I don't want you to see me without it. I need it.

- But sweety, you can borrow a big t-shirt from me to sleep in. You're so small, you'll probably drown in it and you won't be able to see them.

I hated that he was talking about my tits, but mostly I just wanted to sleep. It had been a long day and I knew he was right. There had been too many mornings I had been woken up by the sharp and deep pain in my ribs from sleeping in my binder. I hated my tits. I just wish they would just go away. I just wanted to get them off of me, like now.

He carefully helped me pull my binder off and put on his shirt. It was so thin and washed out it was almost transparent in multiple spots, but I was too tired to care. All I wanted was to crawl under the covers where he couldn't see anything anyway. I lay down in bed and waited for him to go back to the kitchen to do the cleanup. But he just stood looking at me. He. llifted the covers and started pulling down my pants.

-'What are you doing?

-I'm just going to help you a bit more, so you'll be all good and ready for the night.

-I just want to sleep. I'm sorry, we can talk more tomorrow.

-Baby, you're going to sleep. I promise we're almost done. And of course we'll talk more tomorrow.

I was so tired and the room was rocking back and forth but in the middle of the fog I heard him laughing. I didn't understand what was funny. He walked out looking for pants for what felt like an eternity. I just wanted to sleep.

-Where are they?

-Where's what?

-Pants for me to sleep in

-Kiddo, who said anything about pants?

-But you took mine off.

He gently grabbed my leg. It didn't feel gentle. It felt firm and harsh. His hands were softly holding my ankles in a way that didn't feel soft. It was strange because ive never seen him as anything but soft.

- I really want to sleep.

-Nothing "I want this, I want that". I've done everything you want but you know everything can't just always be the way you want it, princess.

Princess? What the hell had he said? Maybe I misheard. Maybe I was just tired. Because I knew he knew. We had talked about it so often. He said he believed me and saw me as me.

He spread my legs, kneeling down in between them so I couldn't close them. I noticed his breathing was different. His face was different. Everything felt different. He felt like a different person. Not like the nice soft man that I knew. Was this because of the wine, but I didn't remember him drinking that much.

Regardless there I was, lying on my back with my legs apart, looking at this man with terrified eyes. I tried telling myself that this probably just is a nightmare. Could alcohol do that? Hadn't I heard someone say that you have strange dreams when you drink? I wanted it to be a dream so bad. But his hands inbetween my legs felt so real. I was scared. I felt tears rolling down my face. I looked up and saw he had pulled out his semi hard dick. It went up with every sob that left me which made me cry even more because I knew what it meant. Dad had taught me that all to well. I felt small again. So small. I looked up and he was gone, instead I saw dad. I blinked and Mattiew was back looking down at me. I couldn't understand what was happening then and now.

- It's going to hurt a little but you can do this.

I blink and there's dad.

-You know it feels so good for me when you cry love.

I blink and there's Matthew

-I know it feels scary but you are such a brave kid.

I blink and there's dad

-You make your daddy so proud when you take it this well.

I blink and there's Matthew.

-Your sobs are so sweet. Cry for me. I love when you cry for me baby. Please cry for me baby. Ill give you a reason to cry

I blink and there's dad

-your so cute when you try to push me away. Sweet little girl, you look so pathetic trying to push me away. If you just knew how much it turns me on to see you this weak.

I blink and there's Matthew.

He tried to push his dick into my cunt me but it didn't work. I was ashamed for some reason. I didn't want him inside of me at all yet I couldn't stop thinking that I should be better at this. There was one thing I was useful for all my life and failing at that made me feel useless. He held me down at my hips and tried to shove it in again. It went in and I screamed at the top of my lungs. It hurt so much! For a moment I thought it was the worst pain I've ever felt, but then I remembered the things dad had done. It felt like my body was going to break. It felt like my whole pussy was an open wound and that he had stretched me out past my breaking point. He didn't even move, he just held it inside of me whilst I was screaming for him to take it out. I was balling my eyes out. I wanted this to be a dream. Just a nightmare that I'd soon wake up out of.

I looked up at his ceiling fan and tried to distract myself, to think of anything else than what was happening. Dad used to put on princess movies so I could have something to watch whilst he used me. But there were no movies here so instead I just desperately tried to think about something else, anything else. What I should do when I get home, if I should water the plants in my room, if I should switch beds and closets. I tried to think of anything but it was hard since the extreme pain was constantly reminding me of my reality. Yet I closed my eyes and laid completely still. Almost like I wasn't there.

- Oh shit you're so tight, you're all tensed up. This must really hurt huh? I can make it hurt even more. Wouldn't that be nice? Not for you of course but we gotta keep those tears flowing somehow.

You reached towards my face, wiping away tears with your hand and looked up at me with a smile on your face. Your eyes are moving up and down my body to then look in on my throat.

- Sweetie don't be scared, I'm only going to squeeze your throat shortly. It feels so good when your tiny body tenses up around my dick. And if you try to fight it I will get turned on even more and am going to make it ten times worse for you, but it's up to you.

- feeling your body tense up makes my dick feel so good. Your little body was like made for this. You got all the right handles and buttons and holes for real men to use.press this, make it tighter, say this, make it wetter, do this and you cant even do anything about any of it. You are such a good toy. You'll always have a place in this world baby, letting men use you. You said the stuff with your dad was long ago, but from the first time I saw you I knew you were a whore. Everyone, and I mean everyone can look at you and see that you were made to be used. If it wasn't so true it would almost be funny how desperate you are.

I had stopped crying. There was no use in pleasing him to stop. I gave up. He pulled out and he rolled me over to my side, laid himself next to me and wrapped his arms around me. He hugged me, comforting me as he pushed his cock into me again, this time harder and harder. Holding me tight and started apologizing. That "He didn't mean it." That if I was "Just not so nice to him, he would never have to do this to me," that I "Made him do it. That it was my fault." He said it, just like Dad used to say. How could he? How the hell could he. I tried to wriggle free for a while but I couldn't. I gave up. I didn't care. I just lay there quietly and took it. It didn't even hurt anymore because I wasn't there. He came on my face and said I wasn't allowed to wipe it away and leave it there. After he was done using me I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning. Matthew held me in his arms and everything felt okay again. Everything felt worth it. As long as he held me. As long as he didn't leave me.