It was the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and I was a little bored so I swung past the local golf club to see if I could pick up a game with someone. I quite like golf but I prefer to play it with a partner. The trouble was that at this stage of the afternoon I'd probably be out of luck partner wise. Still, I could use the practice.
It turned out that I was in luck. A trio were about to start out and they didn't mind me making up a foursome. My new friends were a married couple, Mike and Wendy, and George, someone like me who'd been hoping for a partner or two.
It was George's suggestion that we pair up and have a friendly competition, losers to shout the others a drink. I was OK with that but we ran into one small problem.
"I am not pairing up with Mike in a competitive game," Wendy flatly stated. "He tries to dictate what I should do."
"Friendly advice is all," protested Mike. "You know I'm a better player."
"Maybe, but when we're playing your friendly advice sounds distinctly unfriendly."
"I'll partner you," I offered. "Your husband can team up with George. I have to warn you, I'm not the best player in this club."
(Or the second or third best. Probably not even in the top one hundred.)
So we started off and after the first hole it was obvious to me that Wendy and I were in for a bit of a hiding. Mike was good, and George just as good. Wendy, on the other hand, was my type of player. The type who says, "I see the ball and I hit it (hopefully) in that direction and pray."
OK, so I was going to lose. I could afford a round of drinks.
I found out why Wendy didn't want to play with Mike on the third hole. She'd hit a nice shot and it landed on the green. Only just on the green, but it was there. Mike promptly started in with the advice, telling Wendy which club to use and how to hit the ball. I intervened.
"Ah, excuse me, Mike, but Wendy is my partner. I must ask you to refrain from unsolicited advice as it may put her off her game. You're the competition, remember."
Mike laughed and stepped back. "On your own head be it," he said smugly.
Wendy gave me a fulminating look.
"I suppose that now you're going to tell me what to do."
"What? Me? Oh, OK. Why not? See the ball?" I said, pointing to it. "Try to hit in in that hole over there."
"That's it? That's your advice?"
"Um, something more? Ah, if you do it with a single shot no penalties will be required."
"Penalties? Golf doesn't have penalties," she said as she addressed the ball.
"It does when I play. If you stuff up the shot you'll have to play the next round commando. Well, damn."
With a seemingly effortless stroke she'd skidded the ball across the green and into the cup, giving her a two for a par three hole. That meant between the two of us we'd parred the hole.
"You don't think that Mike might notice if I went commando for a hole and object?" she asked, giving me a look.
"He'd probably object," I conceded, "if he noticed. I think you'll find he's so tied up in competitiveness that he wouldn't notice if you were playing naked. Not that I can make that penalty, unfortunately."
I wasn't kidding about Mike's competitive streak. He was not only competing with his wife and me but also with his own partner, wanting to make sure that he demonstrated that he was the top player in our little group.
"Just so you know," I murmured softly to Wendy, "the next time I say you're doing a penalty shot you'll have to undo your bra for the next whole, letting those lovely ladies swing free."
It was odd but any time I suggested a penalty Wendy would pull off an amazing shot. Either she was a damn sight better than she pretended or the thought of the penalties gave her that extra zip. I had a suggestion for her as we approached the final hole, not that it would matter what we did on this hole. We could score a couple of hole-in-ones and still lose the challenge.
"How would you like to make a hole-in-one?" I asked her.
"And exactly how am I supposed to manage that?"
"Easy. I call a penalty on your doing it. That should make it a certainty. You've come through with every penalty I've requested. It's disheartening, to say the least."
"Not going to happen," she said. "Neither the penalty nor the hole-in-one. You'll just have to resign yourself to losing out on all counts today."
"Oh, I don't know. I've had a fun afternoon. It wasn't as though I was expecting to win the game, although I had had some hopes where the penalties were concerned. As a matter of interest, are you a damn sight better player than your husband thinks or were they all lucky shots?"