Janelle is the daughter of a neighbour. A very sweet young girl. Well, not really a girl, I guess, as she has turned eighteen, but definitely sweet. And maybe just a touch naïve. On second thoughts, make that very naïve. On third thought let me just say I've never met a girl quite as naïve as her. She has all the equipment to be a raging femme fatale but hasn't got the faintest idea of how to use it. Sometimes I suspect she doesn't even know she's got it, even though her mirror would show her with a single glance.
I was watching her ride towards me. I guess riding a bicycle helps her keep that trim figure. She also rides on the footpath, apparently considering the roadway too dangerous for her liking. Still, riding on the footpath can be dangerous as well.
I timed it quite well. I stepped out of my gate just as she came cycling past. There's a nice bush next to my front gate which tend to hide anyone coming out. OK if they're pedestrians but a cyclist tends to move somewhat faster. Janelle crashed into me.
I was lucky, managing to avoid the full force of the crash and also catching both Janelle and the bike so she didn't find herself sprawled in the pavement. She was, naturally, very apologetic.
Being a gentleman I accepted her apology, although I did suggest that she should be a little more careful. What if I'd been a little old lady or a child? She blushed and apologised all over again and I graciously waved the incident off. Accidents do happen.
It turned out that accidents do happen more than once. A few days later I got run down a second time. Janelle managed to keep her balance but I got knocked over.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she wailed. "Oh, I feel dreadful now. I'm really, really, sorry,"
"Not as sorry as I am," I pointed out as I picked myself up. "Twice in one week is a bit much, don't you think? I did warn you to be more careful, didn't I?"
"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry. I just didn't see you. I really will be more careful, I swear."
"Yes, well just take more care in future or there'll be consequences. I'll make damn sure that there are consequences."
I was heavily reproving. She was blushing and embarrassed.
"You wouldn't tell my parents, surely," she said with a gasp.
"Nah, I'll probably just paddle your backside myself," with a grin. "Just take care."
I had intended that there be another little accident on the weekend, after which I'd gently press my advantage to see what developed. As it is, when it happened it took me completely by surprise. I had planned a lazy Saturday afternoon. I was going to get a couple of bottles of beer and watch the game on my big-assed screen, just spending some relaxing me-time.
I dropped by the bottle shop and grabbed a couple of bottles. Arriving home I found that some asshole had parked across my drive. This bastardry annoyed me even more when you consider that there was ample parking available either side of where this idiot left his car. I pulled into the kerb behind the blocking car, noticing that it wasn't even pointing the right way. Technically, that's illegal. You should park pointing the same way you drive. The illegal parker was going to have to pull out into oncoming traffic when he finally left. I hoped the cops came past and ticketed him.
I grabbed my beer and started stomping towards my house. Coming out from between the two cars there was a scream, something smacked into my arms, my bottles of beer went flying, there was the crash of glass and a car alarm started sounding.
I took a deep breath, regarding my beerless hands. I lifted my head and looked around. Janelle was standing there, holding her bike and looking appalled. The wrongly parked car was screaming its head off, having been shaken up. My two bottle of beer were now my two broken bottles of beer, having smashed themselves against a handy windscreen. The only upside to the situation was that the bottles had also succeeded in putting a nice big crack in the windscreen. Serves him right for parking illegally.
The owner of the screaming heap came racing out of the house next to mine and started dancing on the spot, almost tearing his hair out. I indicated that he should kill the alarm so we could hear him speak and he whipped out his keys and killed it. The way he stabbed the off button he was also trying to kill whoever did that to his beloved car.
Then he started ranting. Wanton vandalism. Deliberate act of urban terrorism. All my fault. He was going to sue me for my back-teeth. I finally managed to get a word in, glaring at Janelle when she tried to speak.
"It's your own fault, pal," I told him very bluntly. "You just happened to be illegally parked right next to where an accident happened, and it was an accident. There are witnesses. If you'd been parked properly then the accident wouldn't have occurred so the entire mess is your own fault."
He went back to yelling, saying he was calling the cops and would be pressing charges. Janelle went pale when she heard that but I just laughed.
"Go right ahead and call them," I told him, taking out my phone and snapping a picture of the two cars, clearly showing he was illegally parked. "I bet that if they bother to turn up they'll give you a ticket. Possibly several, on the grounds that you're an asshole."
I strolled over to his car and picked up the bag with the broken bottles. Fortunately the bag had contained the glass, even if there was beer everywhere. I was just hoping some of it had leaked through that crack in his windscreen.
"I'll just get rid of this for you," I told him. "No need to than me. Just being a good citizen. I'd appreciate it if you'd shift your car. You're blocking the driveway."
Swearing loudly, he got in his car, reversed until he had some room, and then took off. There was no oncoming traffic so he managed to depart quite nicely. Of course, this meant that I'd have to move my car but I decided that could wait for a moment.
"Janelle, I wonder if I could have a quiet word with you," I said softly, strolling past her and down the drive. I dropped the broken glass into the rubbish and continued to the front door. Janelle followed me, looking rather miserable.
I slumped down on the couch and looked Janelle over. I might have noted in passing that the tights she was wearing would probably come off very easily. Ditto the t-shirt she had on. Not that this influenced my decision making in any way.
"I'll bite," I told her. "How did you manage to connect with me? I was still standing between the cars when you struck."
"I was watching the gate," she muttered. "I swung wide as I didn't want to hit you stepping out of the gate."
"And managed to get me anyway," I sighed. "I hate to think what would happen if you deliberately targeted me. I'd probably be safer."
She gave me a nasty look at that but I just smirked.
"Consequences," I said, speaking softly. "Remember what I said about consequences?"
She blushed and nodded.
"Actually, you're probably lucky. If that idiot hadn't been parked the way he was he'd be charging you for a new windscreen. As it is there's not much he can do about it. Still, you were a trifle careless and you were warned. Come here."
I straightened up and patted my knee. She blushed, shaking her head.
"You're not really going to smack me are you?" she asked, sounding rather nervous.
