Direct Sequel:
1.) Undercover Freaks Vol. 01: Size Queen
2.) Undercover Freak: Size Queen-After
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"WHAT-THE-FUCK?!!" I was just about to have a midday shower when I was disturbed.
Somebody was blowing up my door on this fine Saturday afternoon and I wasn't pleased. I was having a get together for some of the guys, but it was later in day. I liked to sleep in on the weekends and we were just gaming. I'd purchased this new fighting game online and it had been downloading since one in the morning. My friend group were excited about this new fighting game because of the look and easy playability. It cost a pretty penny, but I just had to spoil myself a little after recent events. I had the towel bunched up around my waist as I peered through the peephole.
"Ah shit."
Holly Santos was standing outside on my second floor stoop, looking perpetually irritated. We'd sporadically talked after a one night stand that saw us drift apart after a few weeks. I figured she went back to her baby's daddy in some manner or had a new fuck buddy. I wasn't all that bothered either way as I opened the door.
"Open up, I wanna come in for a minute, Derrick!" She was definitely agitated about something and I knew it would be hell getting her out of my house if she came inside. I just open my big door leaving the screen door locked.
"What're you doing here?"
"What, I can't come over to your place, huh?!!" Holly tried the screen door shaking it insistently.
This mixed black-Latina hybrid was dressed in her androgynous best, wearing a XXL-Sized Packers jersey obviously intended to hide her massive boobs from public scrutiny. Holly also wore one of those white long sleeved gym shirts underneath which in tandem with the colorful African beads draped about her neck, gave the twentysomething a "woke conscious" appeal or sorts. Her lower half was loose, baggy jeans and a pair of tan lumber jane boots. Her shaggy, light brown hair was completely blown out in outrageous fashion to a massive female afro. Given her big, blocky stature and dress, one could honestly mistake her for a dude from a distance.
"You want something, don't you?"
"Open up the door and find out baby." She was overtly feminine for a few seconds before shaking my screen door handle again. I wasn't fooled in the least even though I already knew what she was working with. I was reluctant.
"Stop fucking around."
Holly's features were somewhere between mischievous adolescent and self-aware which added this transparent air of intimidation about her person. She pressed close to the screen door, but I doubt she could see my state of undress through the metal mesh.
"YOU GOT SOMEBODY IN THERE?!!" Holly pressed into my screen trying to peer into my place as her huge bust mashed into the dingy mesh.
"Yeah." I lied.
To put things into perspective, my reluctance emanated from a series of one sided conversations centered around her failed relationship with her ex, Stuart. We'd gone to dinner a few times, but she opted out of anything else, one time giving me a conciliatory hand job on one occasion. The final straw had been used one night when I'd decided to air my grievances which ended up being a night long, deep conversation into the morning hours. When I was done airing out my soul, Holly responded with a loud, wet snore. She'd fallen asleep while I was talking.
"You serious, right; you ain't bullshitting me, are you?" Holly was still edging into the door kind of looking right at my face.
"Look, why don't you go talk to Stuart?" I observed a flash of emotion on her face which denoted the barely hidden hold her unseen ex-boyfriend retained on her psyche. That unregistered expression melted into a knowing smile.
"Derrick."
"What?" Her hand never left the door and I was getting antsy about my friends showing up and finding Holly at my doorstep. I wondered what Gerald would do if he saw her. I'd never told him that I hooked up with her, and there's no way he wouldn't remember Holly from that convention.
"You're still mad about that time I feel asleep while you were getting weepy, huh?"
"Fuck you."
"Yeah, you're mad." Instead of being offended, she was wearing this beaming smile that was off-putting.
"So you just gonna hang out on my stoop?"
"Not if you let me in, baby."
Holly was leaning on my screen door at an angle giving me a slight view down the second floor corridor of my apartment building. My building had been a motel two decades earlier before being converted into rental spaces. I occupied the second tier floor which afforded me a look down in to the adjoined parking lot and matching units adjacent to my own.
"Go home."
"Nah, I'm gonna sit down and wait for your girl to come out; then I'm gonna say I'm your baby mamma. I'm gonna tell her about our six kids and I might even clip her if she gets mouthy."
Holly sat down on the edge of the stairs leading up to my apartment from the ground floor. Even sitting down, she presented a large stationary object blocking any potential neighbors trying to get upstairs. Dealing with her was like dealing with an immovable object. Most of my neighbors presented a mixed bag, racially speaking. That big, bushy afro of hers caught a bit of the afternoon breeze making her look the humanoid lioness whose sign she was born under.
"Suit yourself." I went to close the main door when she called out.
"DERRICK!!"
"Yeah?"
"Can you let me in; I gotta use the bathroom?" I smirked knowing her ruse. It irked me that she thought a simple lie would gain her entrance into my place.
"There's a service station on the next block; they got bathrooms." Holly turned at the waist looking up at my face, brow furrowed.
"Are you serious? Are you telling me that I have to walk a block and sit on some Aids infested toilet seat because you got some skinny little bitch in there, eh payaso?" The tone of her authoritative voice made me double check the lock on my screen door.
"Yup." I closed the door in her face with a pronounced thud, intending to take that shower.
I figured my actions would seal the deal in whatever we were to each other. I was already regretting tossing away her huge melons when Holly began pounding on my door louder than before. This time it seemed like she was putting her weight behind it. I quickly opened it again, finding her face wedged into the screen level with my own. The sight and expression on her childishly pretty countenance was jarring.
"What is it now, Holly?"
"Hey man, can't you let me take a piss on your fucking toilet? So what you gotta little tart in there; I don't give a shit about that because I'm about to piss my fucking pants, Derrick!!" Her tone was quick, insistent, and decidedly strained as if she were a telemarketer or something.
"No, go to the station Holly."
"Is that your final answer, nigga?" Her voice was stone cold, the question had a finality to it that was also an open challenge. Holly Santos was counting on my memories of the one night stand we'd had.
"Yup." I slammed the door in her face this time.
"¡Mierda, no puedo creer que este cabrón me cierre la puerta en la cara! ¡¡Dios mío, ¿quién se cree este tonto que es?!! WHAT-THE-FUCK-DERRICK?!!"
Holly's bilingual nature seemed to rear its ugly head when she was pissed. She'd confided in one of our previous calls that it was a conscious decision to distance herself from her Mexican mother. You could hear the sizzle in her voice when she spoke of the woman who gave birth to her.
"Well, I told you where a toilet was, Holly."
"ALRIGHT FINE, DERRICK!!" She reached under her jersey quickly unsnapping her baggy jeans pushing them down to her knees. This made the jersey look like a mini dress despite her Rubenesque frame.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" I panicked as Holly squatted down right in front of my doorstep. She was stooping right on my fucking welcome mat.
"I'm taking a fucking piss right here on your shit; I gotta real full tank too, motherfucker!" She'd gathered up the hem of that extra large football jersey giving me a side view of her butt.
Just down the short exterior corridor, my neighbors door was opening adding to my situation. This really crazy and devoutly religious woman lived there. She was this redheaded bespectacled zealot who routinely left church pamphlets and flyers for her church stuck to my screen door. I thought she was on the make or something initially but asked her to stop littering my door which she didn't take kindly to in the least. Building management informed me that I'd been reported for harassment, afterwards. Now she was opening her front door in the company of another female carrying an infant in one of those baby pouches.
"GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!" I yanked the door open snatching Holly inside my apartment.
"FUCK OFF ME!!"
Holly tossed an elbow as I quickly closed the door using the peep hole to watch my neighbor and her guest walking down the adjacent stairs to the ground level. Holly wasn't done, force marching over to my bedroom door shoving it open with both hands to find an empty bed. She side stepped to the second bedroom cracking the door, peering inside at the empty room I used for storage. Holly turned to me with a gregarious smile on her face, leaning against the wall between the rooms.
"Ain't nobody here; why're you fronting?"
