This story contains serious fictional events. The characters experienced emotional trauma and violence but survived. The protagonist explains the actual psychology of what went on and the ultimate moral of the story she is narrating. There is no intent on sexualizing violence, and the antagonist's fate is left to the interpretation of the reader.
It's a difficult story for me to tell because it has painful memories, and it's not easy to justify what I did. It was many years ago but I remember each detail so vividly because those events were so intense for me. They became intensely personal, scarred me emotionally, shaped my career, and left me with lifelong questions. I've tried to put it behind me, but I know I cannot nor should I without facing what happened to me and what decisions I made at the time.
It occurred when I was in my final year of a psychology major at Dornsham College, a liberal arts school in a small town in Massachusetts. I was attractive and athletic, and ready for a new relationship after breaking up with my boyfriend. Being in a college town, most of the people I knew were in some way members of the school.
I was active in sports, particularly tae kwon do and lacrosse. I think these sports gave me physical confidence and a certain level of toughness that a lot of other young women didn't have. Some of them would have benefitted from some toughness, when I look back at it.
I was sharing an apartment near the campus with two other women. Pam and Kassy were good roommates. We shared meals, shared stories, and gave each other support. Support was particularly appreciated when it came to guys. The school had a men's football team, a men's hockey team, and other testosterone-driven sports that made some young men be led by their dinosaur brains.
I liked to work out in the athletic center two to three times a week. I lifted free weights and used the cable machines so that I can have well-toned muscles. My muscles were not bulky; nothing like that at all, but I had well-defined abs and my arms and legs were svelte and defined. I was very pleased with how my body was.
Pam and Kassy were also into sports but not to the same extent. They were pretty, and guys did fawn after them. Kassy in particular had great sex appeal. She was mulatto and had a slim body, large breasts, great face, bubbly personality, and sometimes a little too much gullibility.
One night in early October, Kassy was sexually assaulted. She was on a date with a hockey player and the date didn't go so well. He abandoned her in a bar, and she was joined by another hockey player. His name was Todd and he was not well known since he had transferred from another school at the start of that year. Todd walked with her, behaving like he was protecting her from the night, led her to a forest, and assaulted her.
Pam and I were getting ready for bed at the time when Kassy came in and told us what happened. She was a mess. Her shirt and panties were torn. She wasn't actually injured but very shaken and crying. No condom was used during the penetration of course, and the entire violent incident felt like he was asserting his power over her. Rape is typically like that. Todd was much bigger than her and she had no chance despite trying to fight him off.
Our first thought was to take her to the police so he can be arrested but she refused. She was adamant and didn't want to be questioned and grilled by officers and medical people and lawyers. She didn't want her name to be known around town for this and for the story to reach her family. In short, she wanted self-protection and closed up like many women react after being raped. We did all possible to comfort her and convince her that she'd have our full support during a process with the police and prosecution but she wanted to just heal and put it in her past.
A few days later I was in the athletic center having a workout. The weight room was pretty big and had both guys and women working out, some of whom I knew and recognized from my regular visits. I liked doing sets of high reps with the free weights as well as lying on the mat strengthening my own six-pack abs. I wore lycra shorts and a sleeveless lycra top over my sports bra. Beads of sweat were running down my neck, and my lower back was damp.
I noticed a guy looking at me a number of times. Just so you know, when a girl is serious about her workouts, she's really not welcoming of a pickup attempt in the gym, but some guys try. I made no eye contact with him but eventually he walked over to me in between my sets.
"Hi, I just want to say you're easy to look at when you're working out," he said.
"Yeah, thanks," I said curtly without any more than a glance at him.
"It looks like you've been doing this for a while. How did you learn these routines?"
Guys don't get asked a question like that, but guys do tend to assume a girl learns workout routines from another guy.
"I learned on my own," I said.
"I've been using the gym for a long time. I've also been coached. Maybe we can spot each other. I can give you some tips so you don't hurt yourself."
So that's his pitch. "Ah, thanks but I prefer to work out on my own." I paused for a second, looked back at the bench and said, "yeah so if you don't mind, I'll be getting back to my set."
He smiled and said, "Okay, yeah sure. I'll be around if you change your mind."
I just nodded and brought my attention to my set. He walked away.
He didn't stay much longer and left the room. I assumed he was done with his own workout and felt he didn't get anywhere with me. As I continued, a girl came up to me during another pause between my sets.
"Hi, my name is Amanda. I saw you were approached by that guy earlier."
"Yeah, another pickup attempt I guess."
She looked seriously at me and spoke in a hushed tone. "Stay away from him. He's trou ble. His name is Todd. He's a hockey player and he's dangerous for girls."
Oh my god. And she noticed the shock and recognition in my expression. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something."
"Uh, yeah kinda. Do you know about him? Have you had any experience with him?" I asked.
"Look I can tell you things but not here. Let's meet for a coffee later." I had some free time so I agreed.
After I finished my workout and had a quick shower in the locker room, I met Amanda at one of the town cafes. What she told me was horrifying. Todd had assaulted her too, and she knew at least two others that were his victims. None were physically injured but he always said he wanted to shoot his load into the girl. I told her about what happened to Kassy without naming her and this shocked her too. So this guy was a predator. But the worst part is that he was getting away with it. None of his victims wanted to go through the process of reporting it to the police and experiencing a trial.
I felt traumatized. He was a serial rapist and found his victims right here on campus, and none would call him on it. He will continue his attacks. My god, he tried to make me one of his victims today. This monster has to be stopped, yet I did understand why each of these victims as individuals don't want to step forward. This is terrible, and I felt I knew a terrible truth and I felt so helpless.
A couple of days later I was working out again, and there he was doing bench presses. He noticed me, but also noticed the angry look on my face when I glanced at him. Fortunately, he didn't try to talk to me this time.
Kassy turned out to be pregnant from the incident. She wasn't on the pill because condoms were usually used when she had sex with guys. It was the same for me, since I wasn't thrilled with the potential long term health risks. Her pregnancy made us more angry at the whole assault and Kassy was angry and despondent. She found him on the campus grounds and faced him. He smirked at her but turned angry himself when she told him she was getting an abortion. He was actually demanding that she, his victim, carry his offspring to term. When she described this to us, I started stewing about getting back at him, about stopping him. Todd seemed to look at girls as prey, but also as vehicles for his seed and progeny. With that psychosis, I expected he will simply continue to assaulting others and hope they will get pregnant and give birth. If his victims don't act to stop him, then who will?
During another workout, I was driving the weights really hard, thinking about Todd, grunting and sweating, and my skin shone, my muscle definitions visible in the mirror. And he came up to me.
"Hey again. You've got an amazing body, you know that? I really like how you grunt when you do that."
