It was a warm Saturday afternoon and Michael was finally doing something about our backyard. The way the bushes were becoming overgrown made me suspect that they were fast becoming hiding places for a large amount of wildlife, and probably not the type of wildlife I'd like to encounter. What with that and the lawn and the edges his afternoon was pretty much complete. He also had a mate coming around on Sunday to do a bit of pruning on the fig tree. It looked as though it hadn't been pruned for years.
That non pruning didn't apply to the part of the tree that wanted to stick out over our neighbours place. Apparently Damon, the neighbour, had attended to that each year in self-defence and he'd asked Michael if he had any objection if Damon continued the practice. Michael just said go for it, being all in favour of anything that saved him work.
Looking over at the tree I was just in time to see a branch fall off it. Watching a little closer I saw a long pair of secateurs reach up and clip off another branch. The branch had to be several inches thick, which meant that Damon, assuming it was him, must have been packing considerable muscle to hack through the branch.
I have to admit I was curious. I'd met Damon a time or two and I hadn't thought him particularly muscular. Fit enough, I guess, but not with snap thick branches in your hands type of muscles. Having nothing better to do I decided to wander around to his place and check what he was doing.
Mind you, if going around to his place meant going into his house I wouldn't have a bar of it. The man was a beast and a cad and not the sort of person a young lady such as myself would want to find themselves alone with. However, out in the open air with my beloved husband close by, that was a different matter. I would go and observe and tell him how he should be doing the pruning. It was bound to irritate him.
I strolled around to his backyard. He flicked a glance towards me as I ambled up but then ignored me. (What a swine.)
"Damon," I said in a sweet voice.
"Sylvia," He acknowledged.
At that point another thick branch came down, with Damon stepping swiftly to the side so that it didn't land on him. He leant his clippers against the fence and turned to me.
"How can I help you?" he asked.
"Well, it's just that I saw you were pruning the tree and I thought I'd offer some advice as you did so," I said, smiling happily. "As a matter of curiosity how can you cut branches that thick? You don't look as though you're strong enough."
"It all depends on the tool you use. A man always chooses the right tool for the job he intends to do. With the right tool in hand a man finds the task becomes a lot easier."
He nodded towards his clippers.
"That particular item is a pair of long-handled, ratcheted secateurs. The length gives me both reach and leverage and the ratchet increases the force behind blades even more. Anything that fits between the jaws will get chopped without much effort."
"Why are you really here? If you want to offer someone gardening advice I can hear Michael in your yard, singing badly and swearing at recalcitrant plants."
"If I offer Michael gardening advice he gets upset and stroppy and I don't want to upset him. You, on the other hand, I don't mind upsetting, considering you're a cad and a lowlife."
"Now don't be shy. Tell me how you really feel," Damon said. He said it with a straight face, too, but I could sense the smirk he was hiding.
I sniffed and stuck my nose in the air. Looking at the tree I frowned.
"You're making a bit of a butcher's job of that, aren't you?" I suggested.
"Seeing I'm doing the same pruning as I've done for a number of years I think you'll find the tree will survive. I would explain the intricacies of pruning to you but I suspect that you're not really interested and probably wouldn't understand anyway."
"Properly done, pruning will facilitate the growth of a plant," I promptly snapped out.
"Quite right, but in this case, pruning will be used to stunt the growth of the tree in this direction. Ever seen any good topiary?"
I had to give him a blank look on that one. I knew the word but wasn't quite sure what it meant. Something to do with plants was all I could come up with.
"Bushes that are shaped to look like things. Balls, animals, buildings, that sort of thing. They're achieved by positive and negative pruning, encouraging the plant to grow the way you want it."
"How interesting," I said in a voice that implied I found it anything but.
"Ah, of course," he said. "Fancy me forgetting that."
