I'm driving home from the bar after a very happy hour with some co-workers, where I may have imbibed a little too much Irish whiskey. I'm almost ready to pull into my driveway when all of a sudden, I see the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror. Oh fuck. I'm having visions of DWIs and losing my license and living in a cardboard box.
My hands are shaking as I put them on the steering wheel. Even though I'm expecting it, the ominous sounds of knuckles on my window nearly make me jump out of my seat. I roll down the window and blink at the glare of a flashlight shining right in my eyes.
"License and proof of insurance."
I hand them over, then wait some more.
"Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
"Ummm," I stammer, "just one."
"Step out of the car."
I do, realizing that the trembling in my knees is making me look even more drunk than I actually am. I nervously smooth down my skirt.
"We're going to do a little test. Let's start with the ABC's backwards."
"Z... ummm ... y, x .... Ummm." Seriously, I can't even do that sober!
"Stand on one your left leg and touch your nose with the index finger of your right hand."
Balancing on one leg while wearing heels is not as easy as you might think and I end up wobbling a bit. Crap!
"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to turn around and place your hands flat on the hood of your car. I'm going to have to check you for weapons." I see him motion to the other officer, still waiting in the patrol car. He gets out and joins his partner, so now I have two flashlights blinding me.
By now I'm really freaking out. Not to mention that today, of all days, I decided to wear a short, flirty skirt. He seems to be taking his time with the pat down, standing directly behind me as I'm bent over the car, running his hands down my sides and briefly over the tops of my breasts. I know I should protest, but I am too scared. I say nothing still when he runs his hands over my ass, down the outside of my legs, then back up the inside of my thighs almost all the way to the top. When he's finally done, I ask if I can stand up.
"Not yet. Stay where you are."
For long, interminable minutes, I stay that way, bent over the car, knowing that it would only take one stiff breeze to flip my skirt over my back. I hear the first officer and his partner whispering about something, but can't make out what they're saying.
"You are under arrest for driving while intoxicated. Stand up and place your hands behind your back."
No, wait," I beg. "Please don't do this. That's my house, just right across the street. Please just let me go in and I promise I won't get in my car again tonight. Please, I could lose my job!"
My pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears as I feel handcuffs close on first one wrist, then the other. Rough hands turn me back to face the officers.
"Which house?" and I get the tiniest ray of hope. I point out my front door.
"Is there anyone home?"
"No," I respond. "I live alone."
"We'd like to inspect the premises before we would be willing to let you go."
The other officer grabs my purse off the front seat and fishes out my keys. They each take an arm, leading me across the street and up the front steps of my house. I hear the door close and the deadbolt slide home as I'm led into my living room. I'm wondering what the hell is going on when the first officer, who I have decided to call Blondie (for obvious reason), steps in front of me, putting his hands around my waist. The second officer, who shall henceforth be known as Jed ( for no apparent reason), steps in close behind me, fisting his hand in my hair and tilting my head back so I'm looking up at Blondie.