My current job was boring with a capital B. I had to find other employment, preferable something that would allow me to use at least one brain cell. Right now it was a case of if it's not in the book you don't do it. If it is in the book you do it. You need a new pen? The book says you use this type. Excuse me, but that type's cheaper and have a better feel to them. What has that got to do with your job? This is the mandated pen for your work.
Is it any wonder that I go home and scream?
Still, I have a plan. A scheme that would take me away from dullsville to a live of gaiety and excitement. A scheme that would let me use my talents to the fullest. A scheme that would see me meeting and mingling with people from all walks of life.
I was going to become a private detective.
I'd found this site on the internet that would teach you all you needed to know. And it was free. At least, the first three subjects were free. If you passed them and decided you wanted to continue then there was a fee applicable but that was fair enough. They were giving you a chance to see if this was right for you and if you decided it wasn't then you just terminated the course after those first few lessons. If you went ahead and completed the course they would provide you with a Private Investigator Certificate, recognised everywhere as proper credentials.
My third subject was learning to tail a suspect and I was finding it wasn't easy. The idea was that I had to spot a random stranger and follow him around for as long as possible. I owned a little motor-bike so even if the person I was following hopped in a car I should still be able to follow them.
I thought I was all ready and started tailing this man. He drove to the football ground and parked and I parked as well. Easier for me than him so I was ready and waiting when he approached the gates. He went through the members only gate and vanished into the crowd leaving me thinking nasty thoughts. Thankfully I hadn't bought my own ticket. I turned around and went looking for potential suspect number two.
Number two was easy to follow. He didn't live too far from me and when I saw him walking off I just parked my bike and followed on foot. All the way to a nearby bar where he started drinking as though he was afraid they would run out. Now I remembered why he walked everywhere. He'd always get blasted and come staggering home late at night. The cops had suggested he not take his car when he went drinking, and enforced this suggestion by taking his car and license away. I was not going to sit in a bar fighting off drunks for several hours so scratch number two.
I decided I'd go to the mall instead of trailing someone. Maybe I'd go out tomorrow and trail some nice sedate church goer, someone who wouldn't be lost in a football crowd or bar. You have to be very careful of thieves at the mall. It was within walking distance of my place so I walked. A friend of mine had her bike pinched at the mall. She'd parked, walked to the entrance, remembered something she wanted from her bike, and turned back to get it. She was just in time to see her bike being picked up and put in the back of a pickup truck which promptly drove off with it. So I walked.
So there was I, walking around the mall with no fixed intentions, and this guy comes into sight. He was a big, hunky, man. Strong and handsome and with a determined look to him. Clean-shaven, a nice haircut, and very nice clothes even if they were casual. Well, there was nothing that said that I couldn't practice my trailing skills on a nice hunky man, now was there?
I scribbled down his description in the little notebook I carried, together with the shop he came out of. Then I tailed him. I made a note of each shop he went into and how long he stayed there. When he went to the food court I was close enough to hear what he ordered and that went into my book. I also bought myself some dinner and ate it from a position where I could continue to watch him. It's amazing how oblivious people are to having other people follow then around.
When he finally left the mall I trailed along. I knew I'd lose him as soon as he got in his car but I'd at least get a description of the car and the license plate and time of his departure.
I struck it lucky as he didn't get in a car. He just walked through the carpark and across the road, heading down the street opposite. It was starting to get darker now so I closed up the distance a little, walking on the grass so he wouldn't hear me following him. He walked a couple of blocks and turned left. I turned left and he wasn't there. How could he not be there? It was dark but not that dark. I was incensed. It just wasn't fair.
I walked a little way along the street, looking around, and that's how I came to notice the little laneway between two of the houses. I was just in time to see someone turn right at the end of the lane. I hurried along the laneway, hoping to catch up to him. It would be nice to get his home address. That should give me nice marks. Turning the corner at the end of the lane I was surprised to find I was in a park. Quite a largish park. I knew exactly how large because I knew the park. It wasn't that far from my place, which was a bit of a relief as I wouldn't have to trail all the way back to the mall before going home. I'd just never known that there was a back entry to the park.
I couldn't see the man in the gloom. I listened but I couldn't hear any footsteps either. It was a pity because I thought I'd done a good job up until then. Trailing people is harder than you think. I walked a bit further into the park and found him again.
Perhaps I should say he found me.
I'd just stepped past this bush when an arm went around my waist and a hand closed over my mouth.
"Hullo, Miss Snoopy," he said. He had a lovely baritone by the way. It would have sent shivers down my spine if it wasn't for the fact that I already had cold chills running down my back.
"No need to scream," he told me. "I'm not going to hurt you."
With that he let go my mouth and whisked the notebook out of my hand. He flicked it open, holding it up where the moonlight fell on it, giving him enough light to see.
"My, my," he said. "I've acquired a stalker. That can be a dangerous practise, you know."
"I'm not a stalker," I said quickly.
"Following me around, watching me eat, taking notes. You know what they say, if it quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck, and swims like a duck, shoot the duck and have some dinner."
"No, really," I protested. "I'm a private detective and I was practising my trailing skills on you."
The nasty man had the gall to laugh.
"Listen, girl, someone as lovely as you is not able to inconspicuously trail anyone. I probably spotted you as soon as you started following me. As a PI you will be a disaster."
Now that gave me mixed feelings. First he says I'm lovely and then he says I'm a disaster. I just gave him a disgruntled look which he probably didn't even see in the dark.
"I trust you don't live miles from here?" he asked. I knew it was a question because I could almost hear the question mark.
"Quite close, actually," I admitted.
"Well, that is fortunate," he said, and I could hear humour in his voice.
"Why?" I asked suspiciously.
"Because I'm going to let you practice your detective skills of going places unseen," he told me.
The next thing I know he was very rapidly stripping my clothes off. I squealed and struggled but he was way too fast and strong. I was naked almost before I knew it. The only saving grace was the dark which prevented him from seeing anything.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to molest you. You can run along now. You'll find your things in a bag under this bush tomorrow morning."
I was left standing there, protesting to nobody, as he'd faded back into the bushes. That's when it hit me. I was naked. Stark staring naked and in a public park. At least, he'd had the decency to leave me my shoes. But not my purse or my phone. The only way out of this was to get home fast.
I paused for a few moments, first of all calling down calamitous curses on a certain somebody's head, but when there were no lightning strike in the area I sighed and started working out the shortest route from here to my place. Then I remembered that the shortest route took me for a couple of blocks along a very busy road and decided on a route that was just a little longer.
I hugged the fence all the way around until I was out of the park. After that it was a case of scurrying from shadow to shadow, desperate not to be seen. I could have run the distance in under ten minutes but no way was I doing that. I sneaked and scurried and cursed a certain man, all the time moving closer to my destination. It must have taken me nearly an hour to do the trip, and I have no doubt whatsoever that Karma was waiting to have a go at that man.
I was hurrying up the drive when the next disaster struck. He took my purse. No purse meant no keys. How did I get into the house? I almost panicked before I remembered the spare key. It was in the garage, somewhere. The side door of the garage was never locked and I was through it and flicking on the light just like that, trying to remember where I'd stashed that key.
"You look much better with a bit of light on you," observed a certain baritone and I spun around with a scream, eyes wide.
That man was lounging in the doorway, running his eyes over me and smiling.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded. "How did you get here?"
"What am I doing here? Lounging in the doorway, holding your keys," lifting a hand and showing me the keys. "How did I get here? I walked. For a PI you're not very perceptive. You failed to notice that I followed you home."
"Why would you do that?" I asked, feeling indignant. Really, he had no right to be following me around.
"Well, while I assumed that as a PI you'd be expert at self-defence and probably just went easy on me in the park because you didn't want to hurt me, it also occurred to me that if you ran into a couple of people with nasty intentions you might find it awkward to handle them, so I trailed along ready to lend a hand if needed."
I blushed. I hadn't given one thought to self-defence. I wondered where in the course that was covered.
"If someone hadn't taken my clothes," I said rather bitterly, "I'd have walked home by the main road and wouldn't have had to worry if certain lowlifes were wandering around looking for victims."
"Well, all's well that ends well," he said happily. "You're home, you're reunited with your clothes - ah - nearly reunited with your clothes, and looking every bit as lovely as I thought you would."
