Author's Note:
And we're back! Thanks for your patience, I hope you enjoy!
Content warning: Non-consentual/forced rough sex, public exposure and humiliation, race-play and racism/white guilt.
*
I woke up the next morning with a jolt, a sudden rush of adrenaline as I sat up, biting off a half-yelp that leaked out sleeping lips.
It took me a second to remember where I was. There was nothing wrong, no imminent danger. Just the hazy, confused memories of the previous night and a feeling of tightness in my gut. The sorority, the basketball arena packed with screaming girls, the bar, the boys...
And then I remembered the end of the night, my performance for Jaxx... our unexpected audience. At least it explained the anxiety I could feel like a physical presence crushing in from all sides.
Thinking about my roommate prompted me to find him. He was sleeping the late night off, snoring gently, stark naked. I avoided looking at the seemingly permanent monument to his rampant masculinity, turning my attention inward.
What had I been thinking? Coming back to 001 had been asking for trouble, and I'd found my fill. I still couldn't believe it; he'd fucked me in front of his fraternity. All those leering, jeering boys, watching my defilement like some sick show. And taking souvenirs... How many had recorded us? How many videos and pictures were circulating campus? How many could you recognize me in?
I couldn't lie in bed thinking about it; it was too much to handle inactive, too scary and unsettled and overwhelming. I wanted to get my mind off it— I wanted to be with my new family, my new sisters... most importantly, Cindy.
So I slid out from under the covers, ran through my morning routine and threw on a cute outfit with a puffy coat before slipping out the door without disturbing him. I emerged to a brisk early afternoon, with plenty of other students making their ways to and from classes and libraries.
As I joined them filtering out the quad gate and up the sidewalk, I couldn't shake the feeling of tightness in my stomach, which quickly became a lingering paranoia coloring every glance I received. I knew every guy I passed had seen a video of the previous night, was instantly placing me and looking with thinly disguised lust, imagining my naked skin. Or even worse, laughing while remembering my squeaks and moans. And every girl I glanced at had judgemental eyes, brimming with withering contempt. I deserved it; begging to be fucked, cumming while so many boys watched, and liking all of it.
I picked up my pace and kept my eyes to the sidewalk, assuring myself it was all in my imagination. The walk felt extra long that way, but I arrived without any trauma. Looking up at the large ornate building, the tightness of anxiety didn't get any better. It was supposed to be my new home— why did I feel such dread? The heavy wooden door loomed before me, and I was timid ringing the doorbell, hoping against the odds that Cindy would know and be the one to greet me. I didn't want to talk to anyone else; faking a smile felt like an impossible task.
Then the door swung open, and my wish came true, for a moment.
Cindy stood before me, so beautiful I nearly died on the spot. Auburn hair flowed down exposed, lithe shoulders, and I got a good peek at her perfect cleavage as she stood in profile, smiling back at some conversation. She was dressed down in sweatpants and a little cami, but still looked like she could have owned a red carpet, just from the composure and confidence that radiated from every pore. I wanted that; needed her certainty, her reassurance, to know that everything would be alright.
Then she turned and saw me. Her smile faltered, her emerald eyes flashed, her expression fell, and my hopes fell with it. She quickly stepped out through the door, partially closing it behind her, as if to prevent me from slipping past and into the house. She didn't have to speak; I knew that everything wasn't alright.
"Sami..."
Her voice was strange— tight like my stomach. My name hung in the air between us as she pulled her phone out of a pocket, began swiping with purpose. I waited without breathing, refusing to believe the obvious.
"...What the
fuck
is
this
?"
She thrust her arm out and into my face, presenting her phone screen so aggressively I flinched back, nearly fell off the doorstep. It took me a second to parse what was on her screen... But when I did, my stomach fell even further. It was a shaky cell phone video, but the content was unmistakable; 001, a crowd of jostling drunk boys, and Jaxx in his bed, just behind a moaning, squirming feminine outline underneath a thin sheet.
I didn't watch more than a second, pushing her hand away. Everything was crashing down. My eyes fell to her feet but Cindy was insistent, and she prompted me with the sharpness of a slap to the face, without touching me.
"Well?!"
"I-... uhm..."
There wasn't anything to say. I had done it. There was digital evidence, and I couldn't escape. The anger in her bright green gaze was unbearable, and I only barely held her gaze as she scoffed at my trailing off non-answer and the beginnings of hot pricking tears. No mercy; she laid into me, even angrier.
"Don't you dare cry! I should be crying! You fucking
lied
! You told me you were tired! I felt bad for you!"
Trying not to cry was a difficult task; the more I fought, the more I could feel the tears welling up. But I gritted my teeth and swallowed them. Cindy was right, I shouldn't cry. I needed to talk.
Really, in a distanced sort of way, it was her fault. I had wanted to stay as far away from Jaxx as possible. But she was the one who pushed me to give him a chance, keep being around him even when he was such a mean bully. She had been the one to set up my strip tease, show me how to dance, keep me in the dark... And she had orchestrated my Christmas-themed 'unwrapping'... The more I thought about it, the more it felt like a set-up, like I'd been conditioned to want him, and was suddenly being yelled at for doing what I'd been told. The start of defensive anger helped me stick up for myself, and I tried to turn my growing argument into words, without much luck.
"Y-you... You t-told me to be friends with hi—"
"-I told you to be FRIENDS, not... Not choose him over me!"
If I was angry, Cindy had escalated to rage, her sharp tone cutting me short like an executioner's axe. She hissed so hard she surprised herself, stepping back a bit into the door, biting her own tongue. She took a second, and I waited, on edge.
"Sami, I... "
She looked for a second like she might raise her hand to reach out; but her sound of frustration was matched with a repulsed pulling back, as if I was infectious.
That moment, Cindy's unconscious withdrawal, hurt the most.
"...I just... I can't do this right now."
I couldn't look at her after the pull away, but I heard something in her voice that sounded like a break. Not like the supremely confident Cindy I knew. She sounded tired.
"I'll... We'll talk soon."
She swung the door open and stepped back inside; I expected a hard slam, winced in apprehension. But instead, nothing happened, and an awkward moment passed before I took my cue and turned to walk away. Inside I was dying for her to stop me, to shout out even as I made my way down the sidewalk away from the house. But there was no cry of forgiveness or slam of the door, and I just walked away, not daring to look back.
I just walked, not catching myself until I was a street or three or four away. Then I stopped, and sat on a bench on the side of the road. I didn't know where to go, couldn't focus on anything. I wanted to be angry at her, but it wasn't her fault. I wanted to be angry at Jaxx, but it wasn't his fault either, even if he was a total fucking douchebag.
No matter how I spun it, everything came back to me. My fault. My betrayal, my lies, my weakness and stupidity and greed. That was the word. Greed. My disgusting, embarrassing, clutching want. I'd had my cake and ate it too; Cindy and Jaxx and their passion and their gifts and insane, whirlwind love. I'd wanted to get the best of both and none of the worst. I'd known I was lying to Cindy, known I shouldn't have been doing it, even as I found the excuse to go back. Jaxx's frat... It had been almost karmic, just comeuppance for my selfish priorities.
I didn't know what was going to happen. Could she forgive me? Did I deserve that? Could I even resist Jaxx? That made me realize I had nowhere to go. I was used to avoiding 001, but without Cindy's room, and the sorority... My mind started to wander towards the possibility that I might not be able to go back to the sorority at all— but I quickly pushed that deep down. I had enough to deal with, finding a room for the night.
Then my phone buzzed. Natalie, in text:
Hey! Let's catch up! See a show with me tonight?
Finally, a bit of good luck. It would be nice to see Natalie. She was someone I could talk to about... Most of what was happening. I fired off my response quickly, hoping to catch her before she filled the day.
R u free now?
*
We arranged to meet up at our old favorite cafe— it felt like an old favorite, though it had really only been a month or so since my last visit. So much had happened in so little time.
I beat her there, as usual, so I was staring despondently into my coffee when her voice roused me.
"Hii! Oh... what's—?"
My obvious expression triggered her concern, and the question broke what I hadn't known were fragile floodgates. Within seconds she was cradling my head at her chest, cooing quiet consolations as I sobbed out my heartbreak. I probably got some stares, but was too absorbed in self-pity to notice.
When I'd calmed a little, Nat led me up to the second floor of the cafe, into a little corner booth where we could be more isolated. We sat with her arm wrapped around me, rubbing my back as deep shuddering breaths turned to whimpers and sniffles.
"Sami... What did he do?"
She said it strangely, like she was clenching her teeth, but trying not to show it. Then I understood why; she assumed Jaxx had done something, was the reason I was so upset. He was, in part... but wary of her rage, I wiped my nose and rushed to cut off righteous anger.
"No, he didn't... Well... It's not... Like that..."
As I trailed off, she huffed in impatience. Natalie could be supportive, but couldn't hide her direct nature too long.
"Then... What IS it?"
"...Uhm, so like... So you know how I'm dating Cindy, right?..."
I wasn't sure how much Nat knew; how much I'd told her, how much Jaxx told her, how much she had inferred between the two... So I went back to the beginning. I told her about Cindy, and how she had encouraged me to get close to Jaxx, how she had helped that along (leaving out most of the gorey details). Something about Jaxx's presence gave the stories an uncomfortable obscenity. I told her about winter break, about Cindy and my family, even giving all the details (in especially hushed tones) of the New Year's party.
Then I got to my return to college. Would you believe that I forgot to say anything about my day out with Jaxx? She didn't ask, either! I mentioned rushing, but quickly swerved away from the topic when Natalie pulled an automatic face at the word 'sorority.' Not something I wanted to deal with, at that moment.
"So... I was out with Cindy, and at the end of the night, she wanted me to go to hers, but... I went back to 001."
"Oh, Sami..."
Natalie reacted exactly how she was supposed to; judgement, pity, and more than a little empathy. She knew exactly why I made that choice.
"Yeah..."
I blushed a little at her response, looking down at my lap. But she squeezed my hand, and when I looked up she smiled, and I saw her for the first time.
It had been a while since I'd seen Natalie, so I was surprised by just how beautiful she was. Her hair was down in thick, luscious, dark as night waves blending into a tight black, very low-cut dress. her eyes big and deep, appearing innocent though I knew she wasn't. She had on gold earrings, a nose ring, a lip ring, and her usual tongue stud. I felt like maybe the nose ring was new, but it fit her vibe so well it was like she'd always had it. Plus, we were talking about me.
"I'm sorry—"
Hit by a sudden wave of guilt, I wiped my nose on my wrist and was about to apologize for everything; for not saying hi, for crying, for not talking to her until she was the only person I could talk to. But a simple wave of her hand cut me off, and she focused me back on the story.
"—no, Don't be. So you went back to 001..."
"Yeah... I... He... It was..."
I stumbled, lost for words, deciding what to tell her, how far to let her in. Could I really be honest with her? I wanted to, though I feared her quick, sharp tongue.
"...I'm so fucked up..."
"No you're not. Tell me, it's okay."
