I recently got some part time work as a debt collector. Legitimate work or most of it was, anyway. There were a couple of occasions when I had to lean a little on a couple of deadbeats. They weren't cases where the guy had to make a choice of eat or pay your debt. I'm not that sort of guy. The ones where I had to be firm were when a couple of deadbeats just didn't want to pay their dues. Tight-arses. They had the cash available but felt that they would pay in their own good time, if at all.
People like that, it's fun to bring home the facts of life. I don't even have to hurt them. I just ask a few questions and they became quite reasonable. What sort of questions? Oh, simple little thing like what would hurt more, a broken arm or a broken ankle? After contemplating that sort of thing people, even tight-arses, are willing to admit that maybe it would be the smart thing to settle their debts.
Like I said, legitimate work. Where the collection becomes a bit iffy is when I have to collect for the local bookie. Some people seemed to think that because he was running an illegal book they shouldn't have to pay up. They figured that he'd be reluctant to sue them for the dough. They were right. He'd send me around instead.
I'd like to point out that I wouldn't really go about breaking things to get my message across. People can get so snarky about having their arms broken that I've never considered it worth the trouble. Being a very large man, with a face that would stop a clock, I can intimidate just by smiling. I'm a very successful debt-collector.
The other week Billy, he's the bookie, asked me to pick up a couple of thousand from a local. He was reluctant to send me around because Tomkins was a pretty steady customer who normally paid in full each week. For some reason Tomkins hadn't bothered to pay up for the past couple of weeks and calls went unanswered. So Billy asked me to speak to the man. He also suggested that I play it down as this was the first time Tomkins had ever defaulted or even been late.
I wandered round to Tomkins place at a time that I'd expect him to be there and banged on the door. There was no answer so I sort of let myself in. (Let's just say that the door was unlocked and leave it at that.) Once inside I helped myself to a beer from the fridge and settled down to watch TV while I waited for Tomkins to arrive home. (Please note: I wasn't stealing the beer. I was just assuming that Tomkins would be a hospitable host and would want me to have one.)
I must have been waiting about fifteen minutes when the front door opened and this sweet young thing came bouncing into the house. This took me by surprise as my understanding was that Tomkins was a man in his forties who lived alone. This young lass wouldn't have been half that age. Girlfriend or relative, I wondered, while taking some rather decisive action.
The reason for the action was that the woman had taken one look at me and opened her mouth to scream. Not the sort of thing I wanted to happen. If she screamed I'd have to leave, I'd miss seeing Tomkins, and he'd know that I was around. All bad things in my book. So, as I said, some rather decisive action.
I've found that if you fasten a man's hand to a chopping board with duct tape he becomes very reasonable about discussing his debts and quite willing to pay them if you'll just put down that knife. So one of my tools of the trade is a roll of duct tape.
I reached over and gave the young woman's breast a little poke. Nice and soft it was, too, but the main reason was that it changed the scream into a startled squawk. That gave me enough time to grab her and push her down onto the couch where the cushions muffled her. A bit of tape around her wrists and ankles and she was nice and helpless. And quiet. A small strip of tape across her mouth ensured that.
"Listen, love," I said to her. "I just want a quiet word with Tomkins, so just lie there quietly, please. I'm sure he'll be delighted to set you free after we've had our little chat."
With that I left her to lie on the couch and settled back into one of the armchairs to continue watching TV. Another fifteen minutes passed and there was still no sign of Tomkins and I was getting rather shitty about it. Why couldn't the man be home on time? Did he think I had nothing better to do? I went and grabbed another beer.
Some people don't know when to leave well enough alone. I was only gone a minute and when I got back that silly girl was half off the couch. What she intended to do, I have no idea. I couldn't really see her hopping across the room and out the door, although I suppose she was going to try. All that she'd succeeded in doing was to get herself into an uncomfortable position and to ruck her skirt up around her waist, displaying a very nice pair of legs and a pert little bottom covered in a skimpy piece of lace.
"As a matter of curiosity, what did you think you were doing?" I asked, strolling across and looking down at her.
Reaching down I grabbed her around the hips and lifted her back onto the couch, although she was more in a crouched position rather than lying flat. She was also trying to push her skirt back down to cover her bottom, but with a marked lack of success. I saw no reason to help her in this little endeavour as I was enjoying the view.
She was making muffled sounds, trying to tell me something, so I did the polite thing. I peeled the duct tape off her mouth, letting her speak.
"You could at least try to act like a gentleman and help me straighten up my skirt," she snapped at me.
"I could," I agreed, "but that would spoil the view. What do they call you when you're at home and just how old are you?"
"Jan, and what does my age have to do with things?"
"Just answer the question," I suggested. "Why do women always want to argue about silly little things?"
"I wasn't arguing, just asking," Jan pointed out, "and I'm eighteen. Why?"
"Because if you were under age I wouldn't do this," I explained, running my hand over her bottom.
"Stop that," came the very fast demand. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Annoying you," I said, speaking quite calmly. "You annoyed me, trying to get off the couch, so I've decided to return the favour. Now be quiet for a bit."
