My name is Charlene . My family and friends call me Charlie. I am 25 years old. Today is my birthday. On the day I am writing this I am burying my mother. People have told me that it is tragic to bury my mother on my birthday but that is not the real tragedy. The real tragedy is that she finally fought to free herself from the monster she called husband only to die anyway. I say he got her despite leaving... Cancer was only his weapon.
I am writing this to purge the poison from my mind, my body and my spirit, so that the silence that twisted into the hammer of death against my mother cannot get me too. Then, I am going to forget, I will move on to the peace of my life and live.
I will not fear every dark place. Every man will not be my enemy.
I will be free.
My story starts on this day in 1986. My mother was out shopping for last minute baby things and her water broke.
She was delivered to the hospital by an elderly man and his granddaughter. They happened to be behind her in line and gave her the use of their cell phone to call hospital and husband.
My father was in such a panic to get to her that he couldn't think straight. He ran a stop sign and died two intersections away from his beloved wife and newly born daughter.
I did meet him though. His spirit touched mine on his way out... His kiss marking me forever. Two tiny birth marks side by side. Lips, on my shoulder.
I only have a few photos of my father. Him as a young boy, a teen, a college student. His wedding day and one holding my mother, heavy with child, his arms holding us both.
I look just like him. Thick, heavy, light blond hair. Green eyes. Golden complexion, glowing, flawless skin. I have my mothers build. Tall-5'11, large firm breasts that sit high on my chest. A small waist and rounded hips and bottom. I guess I got it all beauty, symmetry, even perfect white teeth... But not happiness.
When I was four my mother remarried. She was as beautiful as me but dark. Dark hair, eyes. Exotic looking. Her new husband was a lot like my father in looks so no one knew he was not my natural father. He was tall, blond. His build was slighter than my father.
Mom told me that Dad spent every moment he could carve outside but Dave sat at a desk all week and 'puttered around' on weekends. That's not to say we never went to the beach or out camping but Dave wasn't fond of the outdoors so we seldom went even though mother loved it.
Things were relatively peaceful at home for the first few years. Dave tried hard to win me over not really realizing that I am quiet and reserved by nature. This was not aided by the fact that my mother had kept my early years quiet and stable. Few friends, fewer visitors. I developed a very shy streak that Dave took personally.
Our lives were normal even if a bit mundane up until mom got pregnant again. Dave was not overly fond of the idea that he was going to be a father again so late in life. He started to Change. He developed a temper. He was angry and resentful all the time. Things were tense and stressful. Mom was quite frankly so happy to be having another baby that she ignored the warning signs.
Shortly after my 18 birthday my sister Andrea was born. Dave was having a card party. My mother was in the basement working on a craft project.
My new baby sister had woke up and was fussing. I was very fond of her and pleased that she looked just like me. Her eyes were brown like moms but otherwise she was my twin and I was delighted with her. Sometimes I would get up to talk to her when she fussed and she would go back to sleep, Comforted that I was close by, but this time she was not stopping. I went looking for a parent.
When I reached the kitchen it was full of strange men. They were all looking at me. I didn't realize we had company so I was in my baby doll pajamas. I guess Dave could see I was freaked out cause he looked up at me and said 'hey kiddo... Can't sleep'? I shook my head no as I backed out of the room. "Baby is awake and needs one of you." I turned and got out of there. I heard Dave swear and yell real loud for my mother to get the baby.
My mother came running and a big fight ensued. They were yelling at each other so Dave's buddies left. That made Dave real mad. Mom was yelling that she didn't care. I remember thinking as I picked my sister up to comfort her that the two of them were more worried about fighting than the baby. What kind of parenting is that?
The two of them escalated until it was a real fight. That was the first night Dave hit my mother. He was very drunk. Mom cried herself to sleep. She had the baby with her and told Dave to sleep on the couch. I was very worried and couldn't sleep.
Things got worse after that. I spent all the time I could in my room only helping with my chores and the baby. Dave drank daily and mom cried daily. Looking back I think she had post-partum depression but it wasn't as well known then. She pretty well stopped living and just existed. My sister Andrea and I became abnormally close.
With both parents checked out I did a lot of stuff with her. By the time summer hit things were really bad. Mom and Dave had their own rooms and the fights were getting really physical now too. She was very good at hiding the evidence but I saw it anyway.
Once, while she was putting on her make up she pulled me onto her lap and just held me. Her eye was all black and her lip was split. After a few minutes she started to cry. I was really scared. She smiled at me and said she was sorry things were this way. That it wasn't how she imagined our lives. I was very confused by that!
I started to develop a small fear of Dave. I was nervous around him especially when we were alone. I started to notice Dave's eyes following me around whenever I was near him. Once I caught him staring at my butt and adjusting himself.
The next day I asked my mom for a lock for my door. She freaked out with anger and suspicion. But I told her it was just cause I was 18 and wanted privacy. She agreed.
A few times Dave came to the door. He tried the knob and even knocked quietly. I never answered. He started on mom after that. What do I need a lock for? I'm a kid for f***s sakes! What if I have drugs in there? What If I sneak boys in there? Mom never relented. I don't know what I would have done if she had.
I had an uncomfortable feeling around Dave that just increased over time. I would look around and catch him watching me. One night I forgot to lock my door and when I woke up in the night Dave was standing in the doorway just watching me. It creeped me out. I never forgot to lock my door again.
Things went down hill fast after that. By the end of summer I was at my wits end with Dave. I couldn't bring myself to leave because my mom was so depressed and Andy needed me. I was stressed out and anxious all the time.
Whenever he could he would catch me alone. One night Mom knocked on my door. I woke up and let her in forgetting to lock it. She had had a nightmare and wanted to check on me. We talked quietly for awhile and eventually I fell asleep. When Mom went back to bed she left my door open.
