Chapter 12 Paige

The day after the Ball, we're scheduled to fly back home. However, our flight isn't until the evening. The original intent was to relax poolside, but the weather has continued to be uncooperative.

A suggestion crops up to do a spa day, which everyone eagerly agrees to. Well, almost everyone.

"Do you want to come see the Hoover Dam with me?" Sreeni asks me.

I know that Sreeni loves history, but the thought of standing around, looking at old stuff, and listening to a tour guide sounds incredibly boring. "Oh, I think I'd rather go to the spa," I tell her. "After last night, I just want to relax and soak in hot water with bubbles."

"Okay, I see." She nods. I feel a pang of guilt. I'm on the verge of changing my plans and going with Sreeni when Dawn steps in.

"I'll go," she says to Sreeni. "I don't like spas anyway. Too hot!" She shakes her hands in the air and scrunches her face.

"Lovely!" Sreeni turns to me and gives a tight smile. "See you at the airport."

The two head off. My eyes trail them. I feel as if I failed a test.

Soon, the rest of us get to the spa facilities, which are split between men and women. I'm still not used to having to make these decisions and hesitate. Luckily, Julia simply grabs me and drags me into the women's section.

The women are all lounging in a large area with multiple jacuzzis, an ice bath, and glass doors labeled

Sauna

and

Steam Room.

I was initially concerned when I heard we'd be spending time in Vegas at the pool. I was worried about the obvious bulge in my crotch while in a swimsuit. A day at the spa didn't feel much more comforting. However, Chloe wisely picked out a bathing suit that had a skirt for a bottom. It doesn't fully hide my package, but at a glance it works well enough.

I dip into a jacuzzi bath and find a spot on the bench in front of one of the bubble jets. It feels soothing on my back and I settle in.

***

As I followed Mistress Elizabeth out of Madame Matisse's VIP section, she turned back to me. "Well, that was interesting!" she giggled. "You got serviced by a celebrity! Well, a celebrity's sex squad anyway. So how does it feel to be seen?"

I was still a bit shell shocked from the prior experience. "What do you mean?" I asked flatly.

"I promised you wouldn't be invisible," she said. "And people

definitely

see you. You are quite the butterfly now."

"As long as you are pleased,

Mistress,"

I said a little more sharply than I intended.

Her smile tightened. She tilted her head. "Is something the matter?"

I bit my lip, but I couldn't hold it in. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful," I said carefully, "but I don't relish being objectified and paraded around like a piece of meat."

She stepped towards me. "This is just marketing, darling. Everyone has to do it at some point. Of course we prefer a more intimate word-of-mouth approach, which is happening, and effective. But for you, I thought a grand unveiling was appropriate. You've accomplished a great thing, you should feel good about showing yourself off a bit."

I nodded. She was making sense, but I still felt uneasy.

Before she could continue, a man in the booth we were standing in front of called out to her and gestured for her to approach. I turned my head to get a better view of the man. He had a neatly trimmed beard, and was wearing a light gray suit, which looked rather odd at this event. I distrusted him on sight.

"Master Fabien," she greeted him.

She turned to me, "We can continue this another time. But you should feel good about tonight." She waved me towards our section and headed over to the man.

I returned to our area and slid into the booth. Sreeni immediately sat down next to me. "Hey you. What was that about?"

"She took me to see Madame Matisse."

Sreeni's eyes widened and her lips formed an O. "Wow!" she sat on that for a moment. "Matisse has never called on Mistress Elizabeth before. How was it?"

"Weird," I replied. "It felt a bit icky. But really erotic? I dunno. It's confusing." I went on to explain the encounter.

Sreeni nodded. "There are certainly complicated moments of this life we chose."

"Why did

you

choose this?" I asked. I realized I didn't know much about anyone else's motives.

She shook her head. "Now's not really the time or place." She cocks her ear to the side. I refocus on the EDM music thumping all around us. "But let's just say that I had to make a choice. It was a long time ago now. And I'm happy I did."

"I just feel like we don't have much say over what we do or what happens to us."

"We have more control than you might think," she said to me. "But I see that maybe tonight wasn't what you expected or wanted."

"Maybe not. But maybe I need to toughen up a bit."

She chuckled. "Well, it's been eventful for you for sure." She rubs her finger along my chin. She brings it up into view to reveal a pink smudge on the tip. "Perhaps you want to go clean up a bit?"

***

I soak in the jacuzzi, while everyone else enters and exits various spa rooms. Esther, a Latina Talent, comes out of the steam room, topless and glistening. It takes a supreme effort not to ogle at her magnificent breasts. They're just fucking perfect. Flawless orbs, large but not grotesque like Matisse's were. And not droopy to look as if they're sagging, just enough to convey a pleasing sense of weight and mass.

I stare down at my boobs, floating in the bubbles. I'm not disappointed in comparison to Esther's. I mean, the fact that I even have breasts--

Mari plops down next to me, letting out a big sigh. "Chrissakes, what an amazing rack, huh?"

I can only grunt in response. Mari's hair is up in two pigtail buns. I catch a glimpse of her thin frame through the foamy surface. "You seemed to enjoy yourself last night," I say.

"Fuck yeah. We don't get to do these things very often. It's great to let loose once in a while," she smiles. "You didn't have fun?"

I shrug. "I don't know if that was my jam. I don't think I'm as comfortable in a crowd as you are."

She snorts. "I hate crowds."

I look at her in disbelief. "Are you

not

the one who was twerking in a cage on the dance floor?

And

spanking strangers in public?"

She chuckles. "Hey, I want to have fun. Doesn't mean I like people. You gotta let go of worrying about everyone's perception of you." She bumps her shoulder into mine. "If I want to dance, I'm going to dance. Fuck if anyone has a problem with that. Or if they want to gawk, that's fine too."

I stare off, jealous of Mari's self-confidence. "Also, I'm usually the sub in my Client sessions. So if I get a chance to be the top, and beat a big dude's ass, I'm taking it!"

We laugh. "You should ask Lily to give you one of her Clients."

"Mmm," Mari replies, rolling her eyes at the mention of Lily.

***

The morning after we return, I exit my door expecting to see Chloe. Instead, standing in her place is Server Melissa. I'm always shocked by her clear blue eyes. Her full lips curve into a polite smile. She bows. "Good morning, Mistress."

"Oh! Morning, Melissa ... where's Chloe?" I ask, puzzled.

Panic hits me. She never texted me that she got back safe the night of the Ball. "Wait. Is she okay?! Did anything happen to her in Vegas--"

Melissa waves her hands quickly. "No no, Mistress. She's fine." I sigh in relief. "She's just been reassigned. I'm your--"

"WHAT!"

I shriek.

I bolt past her and head down the stairs. Melissa, momentarily stunned, follows after me.

"Mistress!" she whispers loudly.

I ignore her and head down to the floor below The Loft and classes. I've never been down here but I see the Servers come and go through here constantly.

"Mistress Lisa!"

Melissa hisses more loudly. "You're not allowed--"

I reach the landing, and scan around. I see living and cafeteria areas, like above, but not as extravagant. The colors and furniture are more subdued. There are Servers lounging around, and heading through the halls. Once they spot me, everyone stares in shock.

"Has anyone seen Chloe?" I ask aloud.

No response. I walk through the kitchen, searching for her face. I head down a hallway, Melissa still in tow.

As I turn a corner, I bump into a male Server. We correct ourselves and trade apologies when I see next to him is--

"Chloe!"

"Mistress?" She looks baffled, but then becomes self conscious as she notices that everyone in sight is looking in our direction. Her male companion turns back and forth between us bewildered.

"What are you doing here?" Chloe asked. "You're not allowed!"

"I heard you're reassigned? You're not my Server anymore?" I can't keep the hysteria out of my voice.

Chloe has been an anchor throughout this entire experience. I can't bear the thought of losing her.

She looks downward. "Yes, I've been moved to more general duties and not as assistant to you or any other Talent. Mistress Lily approved the transfer."

"Lily?!"

I fume in fury.

That

bitch!

I'm guessing she or someone saw Chloe and I at the Ball. I figured we might get reprimanded, but this seems out of line. I wheel around and march back towards the stairs.

"Mistress!" Chloe yells.

I look back and see her eyeing the witnesses, looking as mortified as they do.

I bound up the stairs, and began surveying the cafeteria, gym, into the glass classrooms. Finally, I spot her in a class, with several people seated in front of her.

Without thinking, I barge into the room. "Lily!!!"

Everyone turns to look at me, including Lily with a startled expression. "You reassigned Chloe away from me?! What the fuck?!"

Lily advances towards me and leans in. "What the hell are you doing? This is inappropriate!"

I know I'm in the wrong, but I'm too angry to care. I return her glare with my own, not backing down. She grabs my arm, and quickly drags me out to an empty classroom. She slams the door behind her, causing the glass walls to shake. "Holy

fuck!

Don't you

ever

do that again!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell. "Why did you separate Chloe from me?"

She leans her head back, looking incredulously at the ceiling. "Are you kidding me?

This?!"

She throws up her hands.

"Just because of what happened in Vegas?"

Lily stops abruptly. "Wait--

what

happened in Vegas?!"

Oh shit. I freeze up. She narrows her eyes, and slams her hand down on a table.

"What happened in Vegas?!"

she yells sternly.

"Nothing," I try to say steadily. "She came up to me during the Ball. She said some affectionate things. That's all."

Lily takes a breath. She side eyes me, but seems satisfied.

"Well this has nothing to do with that," she finally says. "Before she left for Vegas, she met with her Lead Server and expressed her intent to request you for a session."

"Okay," I shake my head and hold out my hands.

"Okay,

she has clearly grown attached to you. And you back apparently." She waves a hand at me. "I approved her request, but that means she can't be your Server anymore. We can't have it compromising her duties."

I listen and let it sink in. Lily goes on, "She accepted that. Better than you have."

So this wasn't about her kissing me. I begin to feel embarrassed about losing my temper and causing scenes this morning.

"Look, I was out of line--"

She snorts. "You think I just really have it out for you, huh? That I hate your guts or something. The truth is ..." she growls, "I don't give a

fuck

about you. I don't think about you at all when I don't have to."

I shrink into myself. She's unloading on me. And I deserve it.

"And I know you're Miss Popular now. And Elizabeth's flavor of the month," she continues. "But I don't care. You know what I

do

care about? Is this operation. I like anything that makes things run smoothly. I hate anything that fucks things up."

I stand in silence, looking down at her heels.

"You ...," she pauses for a moment. "I expected you to be a fuck up. Either you couldn't cut it. Or you'd be a whiny, entitled little shit. Or you'd turn us into a sideshow joke." She raises her voice with each statement. I cringe each time.

She exhales loudly. "But I must admit ... you haven't been ... a total disaster."

I look up at her, astonished. Is she saying nice things?

"You've done rather well." Lily looks at me grudgingly.

"Wait," I venture, "so you don't hate me?"

Her mouth tightens, and then she shakes her head.

"I haven't been fucking things up for you?"

She shakes her head again.

I let a sheepish grin emerge. "So ... then you're saying you

like

me?"

"Get the fuck out!"

She whips her arm out and jabs her finger at the door.

I spin around quickly. I faintly hear her snort to herself. As I exit the room, I hear a chime emit from behind me.

"Fuck. Hold on," Lily calls out. "It's Elizabeth. She's summoning us both."

Oh no! Word must've gotten to her about my outburst and causing a commotion.

Lily walks briskly past me, and motions for me to follow as she heads to the stairs. Every step I take is filled with increasing dread. I'd never gotten sent to the principal as a kid, but this must be what it feels like. To know you're walking to your doom.

Halfway up the stairs, Lily's phone chimes again. She wheels around to me.

"What

were you doing on the Server floor?!"

My eyes bulge. I work my mouth but no sound comes out. Lily sucks in air between gritted teeth, but turns and continues up the stairs. I'm dead.

We reach the glass doors and enter Mistress Elizabeth's office. She immediately rises from her seat and walks around to the front of her desk. "We have a situation."

Shitshitshit.

I'm so dead.

Lily and I take seats. I grimace and close my eyes, like I'm awaiting a firing squad. I hear Mistress Elizabeth's voice, "Your sister has been trying to contact you."

***

I glance over at the entrance as I clack my nails on the mug of tea. I notice that's become my nervous tic: to tap my nails now that they're longer.

The cafe is sparsely occupied, and the tables are relatively far apart. It's an optimal location. Private enough to talk freely, but populated enough to deter making a scene.

The entrance door swings open. I perk up and look to see a man with gray hair walk in. I sigh and take a swig of tea.

It dawns on me that this is the first time I'm out on my own in public-- in the real world-- since my transition. This might've been thrilling if I wasn't dreading this moment.

The entrance door swings open again. A woman in her mid thirties-- carrying a two year old girl-- squeezes in. The woman's light brown hair is pulled back into a ponytail. She wears a black and white striped fuzzy sweater.

I look at the toddler. The kid looks a lot bigger than the last time I visited. Her dark blonde hair is up in pigtails. She's got fat rosy cheeks and bright blue eyes. She's wearing overalls with a smiling cartoon elephant on the front. She has tiny pink crocs on her feet.

The woman sweeps her eyes around the cafe. She sighs and then sets down at the nearest table.

Of course she didn't recognize me. I get up and slowly walk towards their table.

"Paige."

She looks up and then around me. "Yes?"

"It's me." I say, patting my hand on my chest.

"It's who?" She furrows her brow. Her shoulders droop. "Did my brother send you? Is he bailing on me?!"

She lets out an indignant sigh, and pulls out her phone.

I sit down across from her. "Paige!" Then slowly, "It's

me."

She looks up at me, confused. I comb my hands through my hair, and pull the locks back behind my head. She studies my face.

Then, her eyes go big as saucers.

"Holy shit!"

I look to the ends of the cafe and see a few heads turn towards us. Paige darts her eyes towards Maeve and grimaces. Paige fumbles into her bag, and pulls out large teal headphones and a padded tablet.

"Here, baby," she says as she steadies the headphones onto Maeve's head. "Watch your cartoon."

Satisfied that Maeve is insulated, Paige refocuses her fury at me. "Are you fucking kidding me? Take that ridiculous thing off."

She reaches over the table, grabs a chunk of my hair, and yanks.

"Owww!!!" I cry as my head is pulled to the left.

"Oh my god," Paige recoils. "It's real!"

"You think!" I scowl, as I rub the sting out of my scalp.

"You did this?" She searches my face. "For real?"

I silently let her take it all in. She shakes her head.

"This

is finding yourself?" She bubbles with anger. "You should've told me."

"You wouldn't have understood."

She scoffs. "You're fucking right! Have you gone insane?"

She pauses and tries to manage her temper. She leans in. "We need to stick together! You can't do this and ditch me on the side of the road. We're all we have left. You and I."

"That's not true. You have Maeve," I nod at the toddler, hypnotized by the tablet. "And Jonathan."

"Don't deflect," she snaps.

"Don't exaggerate," I snap back. "You have your family. I had no one." She pulls back, looking injured. I immediately regret my remark. "I don't mean it that way. But it's not like we were in touch all the time."

"And that's

my

fault?"

"It's no one's fault," I sigh. "It's just what happened. We all had to cope in our own way."

"And

this

is how you're coping? Did you always want to do this? Or was this a whim?"

I take a beat. "I don't think I knew what I wanted until I wanted it."

She frowns. "I don't really know what that means."

I shrug. "It's the best way I can explain it. I think there were a lot of things going on with me that I needed to come to terms with. I don't even think I was aware of it."

"You could've come to San Fran. Closer to us," she says.

"That would've just felt like running away from my problems."

"And

this

isn't running away?"

I'm getting annoyed that she can't outright say that I'm trans and just saying the word

this.

"THIS," I gesture at myself, "is me facing things that I didn't before, and might never have otherwise." She grimaces, confused. "After Mom, the path I was going down suddenly felt hollow. Like I'd taken a wrong turn. And I really didn't even know it consciously. I was like a zombie, trudging forward without really feeling anything."

Her face scrunches up. She looks deep in thought, and then visibly softens. "I'm still processing grief too," she says tenderly. "But I don't know if I understand how you've chosen to process yours."

"That's okay. I don't know if I 100% understand either. But it feels right. I don't feel so lost anymore."

Paige places her hand on mine. "I wish I had known how you were feeling. I'm sorry."

I nod. "Me too. I should've told you earlier. I should've trusted that you could handle this."

She gives a slight smile. We let the quiet overtake us for a few moments.

Her eyes lower to her phone. "Oh and your fucking messages ..."

She taps on the screen and spins the phone around. I see our text chain from the past few months. Lily and Mistress Elizabeth already showed me, but I humor Paige by looking at it again.

Paige:

Hey! You around? Wanted to see how you're doing

Paige:

???

Paige:

Helloooo??? [angry emojis]

Me:

Sorry, been busy. I'm fine. Thanks for checking, sis

Paige:

wtf. That's all you got?

Paige:

[sad emoji, fuming emoji]

Paige:

Answer your phone!

Paige:

WTF

Paige:

Just tell me you're alive!

Me:

Sorry. Meant to text. I'm alive. No need to worry.

Paige:

Fuck you! Don't be like this.

Paige:

Hello???????

Paige:

Ok. I'm flying out to come to you.

Me:

Not necessary! I'm fine!

Paige:

Too bad. Maeve and I will be there this weekend. I'll be by your apt Sat morning.