I was at a party recently and there was this guy there that I was trying to avoid. Not because I owed him money or anything. It's just that I couldn't stand the man.
His name was Toby. Oh, I'm sorry, his name is actually Tobias. Tobias is the name he was christened with and therefore that is the name that should be used. Contractions are so unseemly, you know?
Tobias was a first-class, sanctimonious, prig, so holier than thou that if he met the Pope he would expect the Pope to kiss his ring. He was also the sort of man who would then explain to the Pope everything the Pope was doing wrong and what he should do to bring the church up to a more righteous standard.
I had always though Tobias was a closet gay, too proud to let on. Geez, as if anyone cared about that, these days. I decided I must have been wrong when he got married a few months back. Stephanie was a nice girl, what they call a good girl. I suspected that she was a virgin when she got married. I doubt that Tobias would have settled for anything less. I had hopes that maybe she'd bring some intelligence and forbearance into his life but hadn't seen any signs of it yet.
Considering the above, and knowing it would be considered rude to punch him on the nose when he insulted me, I avoided him. Not that he would realise that he was insulting me. He would just think it was his Christian duty to moralise at me for all my shortcomings. Who needed that?
So there I was at this party and I saw him drifting in my general direction. I don't think he was looking for me specifically. I was just unfortunate enough to be in the area he was moving towards. I naturally took steps to place myself in another area, finishing up near a bunch of girls chattering together. I drifted around the girls so they were between me and him on the grounds that he was far too polite to push his way past them to latch onto a victim.
The girls weren't facing me and I had my back to them but I could still hear part of the conversation. Quite interesting, some of the snippets. Women are so knowing about what goes on around them, and don't mind sharing. Not that they tell the men, just other women.
One of the young ladies was a woman called Marge. A very down to earth, very inquisitive, woman. She wanted to know everything about everyone and wasn't backwards about asking. My ears pricked up when she started talking to Stephanie.
"So, Steph, what's it like being married to Toby?" she demanded.
Steph answered rather softly and I couldn't hear what she said in reply. Marge didn't care for what she heard, anyway.
"Why should I call him Tobias? I called him Toby at school, and I call him Toby now, and if he doesn't like it, tough titties. What I want to know is what he's like between the sheets, assuming he waits until you're in bed."
Stephanie mumbled something else and I could imagine her face burning. She succeeded in shocking Marge.
"Celibate? A celibate marriage? You have got to be fucking kidding me. How are you going to have fucking kids? Apart from that, how are you going to have fun when you can't watch TV? You have to do something other than knit socks."
Mumble, mumble, from Stephanie, who was probably wanting to sink through the floor and vanish.
"A year? A whole fucking year of no nookie? The man must be trying for sainthood."
"He wants to be sure that we're truly compatible before we go to the next step," snapped an irate Stephanie.
"Most of us do that before we're married. Not after."
At that point I spotted Toby heading my way again and I casually drifted away to say hullo to some other people. Perhaps I should point out that Toby is really very handsome and can put on the most charming manners when he wants to. It was no surprise to me that he could charm a sweet little thing like Stephanie.
The next Sunday I went down to the beach for the afternoon. It was a pleasant day and I was currently between girlfriends so I went on my own. My newly ex-girlfriend, Amy, had told me that she thought getting married would be a great idea. I'd agreed and asked her who she intended marrying. Some guy called Michael, apparently. We parted amicably, but we definitely parted. She hadn't actually been cheating on me. We were just a casual thing and I had known she had other male friends. I wished her luck and kept my eye open for another likely prospect. The beach is a great place for that.
I ran into several people I knew, including Stephanie. I could tell at a glance that Toby wasn't at the beach. Stephanie was wearing a bikini and there was no way that she'd be doing that if Toby was around. I had a casual chat with her and went on my way.
Later in the afternoon I was walking along the shore and I ran into Stephanie again. I'll admit that it's possible I spotted her heading my way and deliberately arranged to intercept her. I gave her a casual wave as I approached and she nodded to indicate that, yes, I existed. I was about to pass her by when I had an idea.
"Ah, hold it a moment, Steph," I said, coming to a halt. "Have you got a couple of moments to spare?"
"It depends," she said with a smile. "What do you want?"
"There's something I found over there," I said, indicating some bathing sheds with a jerk of my thumb. "I'd be interested in getting another person's opinion of what I found. Could you have a look see for me?"
"I guess. What is it?"
"Better to see it without any preconceived notions," I told her. "That way I'll get a clean impression without influencing you."
She walked with me while I chattered on about nothing in particular. When we reached the sheds I sauntered down the little track next to them into the trees and my little lamb followed along until we came to this little clearing.
"Why don't you take a look around," I said, stopping and sweeping my hand in a circle indicating she should look right round the clearing.
Stephanie slowly turned in a circle, looking all around the clearing, finishing up facing me again with a puzzled look.
"So what do you see?" I asked.
"Ah, nothing but trees. There're too many to see through them."
"Right. Now listen and tell me what you can hear."
She cocked her head slightly to the side, turning it back and forth, listening hard. She finished up shaking her head.
"Nothing but a few birds. What am I supposed to hear?"
