I come back to consciousness slowly, unwillingly. I cling on to my sleep, enjoying the softness and warmth of my bed, the cushy bliss. I'm on my side so I turn to move on my back,
uh,
someone is spooning up against me. My eyes snap open and everything comes flooding back to me, I remember. I can feel his arm wrapped around my waist under the blanket, but he hasn't responded to my movement. I wait for a while and hear that his breathing is even,
he's still asleep,
According to the bedroom clock it's just past 4 am, there's a dull light that comes through the window and I can hear the rain outside. It's probably really cold, but James is keeping me warm. I attempt to peel myself away from his body, holding my breath, I successfully manage to get off the bed, he stirs a little but pretty much still sleeping. I look around the room and see my handbag and suitcase at the corner by the door, I walk quietly to get my bag and go into the bathroom instead of outside the bedroom,
opening the bedroom door might be too risky,
he would wake up to the unlocking sound and that would be the end of me.
I place my handbag on the counter and catch a glimpse of my reflection. My eyes and lips are red and puffy and my left cheek is slightly swollen. But the most horrific sight is my chest and neck, it's covered with purple and red marks and fingerprints. I touch on them slightly and wince, my entire body feels like I been hit by a car, I just want to sink to the floor, hold myself and cry till there's nothing left,
don't distress yourself further
,
you need to phone for help, focus Sky.
I remember my clothes from last night are still in here. I put on my tight powder blue t-shirt and white panties and leave my jeans on the counter next to my bag. I rummage through my handbag but my phone isn't in here, I start panicking,
he must be took it already,
I feel tears well up again.
I take a deep breath and look again. I hear the bathroom door open and freeze. James is at the doorway, he looks at me while rubbing the side of his face and hair and frowns. I remain rooted on the spot, quaking in fear,
he caught you on the act, you're fucked.
He walks slowly to the toilet, naked, and yawns. For some odd reason my eyes wander down to his ass,
it's perfect
, I mentally kick myself for looking,
he's far from perfect love, he raped you last night to prove it, he's a monster.
He pees then comes next to me and washes his hands, "Go back to bed." he says sleepily.
I obey and walk hastily into the bedroom, he follows closely behind me. "Wait" he says quietly as I'm about to get on the bed. He comes up behind me and slides his hands up the sides of my thighs and hips and grips my t-shirt. He pulls it up, I lift my hands and he pulls it over my head, dropping it on the floor. He pushes my hair to the side and kiss my neck lightly on the same sore place I touched in the bathroom, it feels as if he's apologising for strangling me. He runs his fingertips along the sides of my waist and breasts, kissing my ear and neck, his touch is feather light, I lean back against his body and close my eyes, enjoying his sudden gentleness, I cling onto it, hopeful that he won't hurt me again.
"You're so sweet and innocent," he groans against my ear, his light beard tinkles my ear and I let out a giggle,
why?
He turns me around to face him, "I didn't intend on hurting you, I thought you would be willingly but than you rejected me and I couldn't accept it so I took what I wanted. You're just so beautiful, you're everything I've ever wanted." he whispers, his expression serious and sorrowful, I can see the guilt in his eyes. My tears finally gush out,
how could he do this to me and now he's guilty, am I suppose to feel sorry for him.
"How could you do this to me? You lied to me then you raped me, I thought you were going to kill me, I couldn't breath!" I cry out, remembering how afraid I was when he choked me. He looks at me sadly and swallows but doesn't answer me. "Just because you had a bruised ego, you ruined me." I shove him back pushing at his chest, "How could you do that?" I push at him, weeping uncontrollably.
He grabs me in an embrace, holding me tightly, my palms are placed against his chest trying to push him away but he doesn't let go of me. I give up knowing there's no point in trying and cry in his chest. He runs his hand over my hair and kisses the top of my head, "I didn't mean to do it." he says heavily, I can hear his heart beating, its as fast as mine. "I'm sorry, Sky" he whispers so soft, I could have missed it while listening to his heartbeat but I didn't.
I look up at him and he looks so sincere. Whether he means it or not, I'm not sure but in this moment, after being traumatised so severely last night, I need this comfort
, I need him
, I need it bad or I'm gonna crack. His right hand cups the side of my face and I lean into his touch, he places his lips gently on mine. He starts kissing me slowly as if I might break, I kiss him back, not thinking about what happened or what's going to happen, just living in the moment, for once in my life.
I think he feels me letting go of everything because he bends and grasps the back of my thighs and hoisting me up in the air, he wraps my legs around him. I grab onto his shoulders for security. Breaking the kiss, I wrap my arms around him, my boobs press against his chest and I lie my head on his shoulder, this has to be a dream, it feels so surreal,
because in his arms, it feels like home.
Suddenly I feel drained, I let out a tired sigh and close my eyes, breathing in his scent, holding on to him tightly. He goes on to the bed and lies us on my sides. We stare at each other and I look at each feature on his face, imprinting each thing subconsciously in my mind because I know this beautiful face is going to haunt my dreams for a really long time. This moment feels like a scene out of a movie and for some strange reason I hear
Mighty Hands' At a loss for a Goodbye
play in the background as I reach out to touch his face. He closes his eyes when I stroke his beard.
