I rolled up early to the caravan and camping ground. First in gets the best sites and all that sort of thing. When I got there the best site was already in used. A young woman was pitching a tent under a couple of tall cabbage trees. A nuisance, as that was the site I'd wanted, but first come and all that.
I took the site opposite the cabbage trees and dumped my caravan and locked it in place. Then I looked at the trees, looked at the young woman and decided I'd better give her a fair warning. I wandered over.
"Hi. I'm Ash. Um, you know they usually reserve this particular site for caravans."
That was as far as I got before she interrupted.
"I'm allowed to camp here," she snapped. "Push off."
"I just wanted to warn you that it's not really a good site for a tent," I told her. "Those two trees behind you are cabbage trees and they're infested with spiders. It doesn't matter on a caravan, but a tent might have a few problems."
"I see," she said, smiling sweetly. "So I should push off somewhere else and let you and your caravan have this site? Fuck off, asshole."
Well, she can't say I didn't warn her. Looking up at the trees I could just spot the guide threads left up by some golden orbs. Five that I saw, and there could be others. Not my problem.
I strolled back over to my site and finished setting up. I also tested my little fire extinguisher. I had a suspicion I might need it later. With everything set up to my satisfaction I went for a walk.
That evening, as dusk settled down over the camp, I took out my binoculars and checked the spaces between the cabbage trees and other nearby trees, looking for any activity. And there was plenty of it. By manoeuvring around and getting them between me and the rising moon, I was able to spot several golden orbs starting to spread their webs.
A fascinating spider, the golden orb. He comes out in the evening, running along his guide thread, and spins an enormous web across a clear area between two large objects, like trees. Then he sits back and relaxes for the night. In the morning he comes back out, snaps the restraints on the web and it just curls up into a little tangle, complete with his catch for the night. He then drags his meal home and hangs it in his tree for when he's hungry. If you've ever walked unexpectedly into a web while walking down a path at night, blame the golden orb.
With just the ones I spotted I figured a certain young lady was going to have her tent surrounded by webs for the night. No problem, as long as she stayed inside the tent, as they'd been gone in the morning.
I could tell she'd retired to her tent already as it was lit up and I could see her moving about inside it. Quite a nice tent, it was, reasonably spacious and with flaps that zipped shut.
Not wanting to be caught staring and accused of being a perve I gave her tent one quick scan, winced, and waited.
I didn't have to wait long. I heard a sudden frantic squeal, followed by a couple more. I left my caravan and headed over to the tent. This is not to say that I just walked over there. First I got the fire extinguisher and a broom. The broom I waved in front of me as I walked, clearing away a couple of golden orbs. Bad luck for them, maybe, but they could always start again.
Reaching the tent I could hear cries of distress emanating from it.
"Excuse me," I called. "but do you have a problem?"
A problem other than the dozens of huntsman spiders crawling over the tent. While those two trees had more than their fair share of golden orbs, they were a minor pest compared to the number of huntsman spiders infesting them. Strictly speaking, they should be fumigated, but in these green times. . .
"There are spiders in my tent," came the wail. "How do I get rid of them?"
"Um, very many?" I asked.
"Three of four and they're enormous. What do I do?"
"Well, seeing there's only a few you should probably just stay put," I told her.
"Oh, fuck you, arsehole," came the reply. (That woman certainly had a low boil-over point.) "If you're not going to help just go away."
With those kind remarks the tent was unzipped and, ignoring my advice to stay put, the woman came charging out.
"What the hell have you got a fire extinguisher for?" she wanted to know. "I have spiders, not a fire."
I just smiled and jabbed my finger a couple of times, indicating her tent. She turned around.
"Oh my fucking god," she said in a very small voice. She'd just discovered that she'd traded three or four spiders inside her tent for fifty or sixty outside it.
She turned to look at me to find I was now jabbing my finger downwards. She went very still and looked down, and was not pleased to find that the spiders on her tent were the minority.
"You know," I said chattily, "I did try to warn you about the spiders. Those two trees are notorious for them. That's why the owner prefers to have a caravan there rather than a tent."
"But what do I do?" she wailed, almost dancing on the spot as she tried to make sure no spiders came near her. "Can you get rid of them?"
"I can, temporarily," I said, "but you'll still need to shift your tent tomorrow or the same thing will happen. Also, I wouldn't recommend you sleep in your tent tonight. A have a spare berth in my caravan that you can use, but there'll be a slight penalty, because you were excessively rude earlier when I just wanted to do you a good turn."
"And what would that be?" she practically snarled at me. "Let me guess. You want me to sleep with you."
"My, my, you do have a low mind," I murmured. "I said you could have the spare berth, not share mine. No, I thought that as you acted like a rude little girl I'd treat you that way and smack your bottom. That's all. Deal?"
I received a killing look and she was about to tell me no deal when a spider ran across her bare foot. She squealed and shouted "deal", almost crapping herself on the spot.
I turned on the extinguisher and sprayed the ground around us, resulting in a lot of curled up little corpses.
"It's a CO2 extinguisher," I told her. "Useful for things like this in an emergency. Freezes them. However, I don't have enough to do your entire tent, inside and out, so I suggest you leave it to the wildlife for now. They'll be gone on the morning. Come on."