I hang out with a great group of women. Good friends like them are really hard to find - friends with big hearts and great senses of humor, who aren't about competing with each other for the attention of men. We lift each other up and helping each other out when times get tough.
That's what made my crush on Veronica's boyfriend, Theo, that much more painful. She'd been through some bad relationships and to see her with such a great guy made me so happy for her. She really deserved him. He was sweet, attentive, treated her like a queen, and respected her independence. The perfect guy. He was 6 feet tall, with dark, tousled brown hair, and dark brown eyes. He had a great smile, heightened by adorable dimples. He was a little out of shape but you could tell he used to be a soccer player. Of course I was wildly attracted to him. But I could never be the kind of woman to steal away a man from someone else, much less a good friend.
But I still hadn't found anyone for me. Sure, I get plenty of dates, but they never worked out. I'd either get asked out by jerks who never make it through the first date, or truly nice but much too timid men. I'm fairly attractive. Long wavy brown hair, and I'm often told I have killer eyes and a great smile. I'm very petite, 5'3", a small frame, but my breasts are still a nice handful. When the clothes come off, some guys are afraid of crushing me... that's no fun. I like to feel a man on top of me. Or they just can't stop asking "you're soo hot, why would you want to be with me?" Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies... I'm not a therapist. I wish I could help them to see that they're good guys, but you can't make someone change... their neediness was just too much.
But just because I couldn't find a guy like Theo wasn't going to stop me from going out and having a good time. Our group of friends would often throw dinner parties, which after a few bottles of wine had been recycled, always devolve into crazy dance-offs. Or hit the clubs and bars in the area. Veronica and Theo weren't the type of couple to be attached at the hip, so I got to talk to him a lot, just the two of us. Often, when the nights got later and the clubs got more crowded, we'd find ourselves bumping into each other a lot more than because we were being jostled by other clubgoers. That was hard enough. Each time we touched, it was like fire spreading through my body. I would always have to excuse myself to the bathroom, just to cool down and regain composure.
One weekend Veronica decided to go home to visit her family. Theo had to stay in town to finish up some work for a very important client. She left on Friday; he was still in the office that Saturday.
"We should all go out once Theo is done with work," our mutual friend, Beth, said when she called. "He's really going to need to blow off some steam. Let's go dancing," Never one to turn down a night out dancing, I accepted. We decided to go to the hottest place in town. The DJs were great, changing it up from funky old soul to smooth rhythm & blues. The lighting was dim, the drinks were strong, the doormen were all very attractive and flirty.
"Only if I can crash at your place," I said to Beth. The club was very close to her apartment, and I lived much further out of the city. Public transportation shuts down kind of early, and I hate taking cabs alone. Besides, it's much more fun to go get brunch the next day with your friends.
When our group assembled, it was just four of us. Beth and her roommate Lauren, Theo, and me. It was a cold night and the others had opted to stay in. But once we got inside the club, people couldn't strip their coats and clothes off fast enough. It was so packed with sweaty bodies - the windows were completely fogged up.
Theo announced drinks were on him that evening. Having finally finished his project with his big client, and successfully, he just wanted to celebrate. We all celebrated with cranberry vodkas for the girls and he had a Stella. The rest of the night in the club was pretty much the same as usual... dancing, grinding, more drinks. We were all pretty close so it wasn't uncommon for the 4 of us to smack each other's asses, all in good fun, when the song called for it. In the big mass of throbbing bodies, we lost Beth and Lauren for a minute. Theo and I danced for awhile, the song turning to a slo-jam, and he put his arms around me. It felt incredibly uncomfortable yet completely turned on at the same time. I felt my heart leap into my throat. He pulled me closer and I could feel his breath on my neck. It drove me wild. The smell of his cologne was intoxicating. I wasn't drunk enough to do something stupid, but I danced with him for the rest of the song... I thought that if I pulled away, it would somehow acknowledge my crush. By continuing to dance with him I could claim that we were "just dancing," like we were "just friends." I didn't know if he felt the same way about me... not that it would make a difference. I still couldn't be with him. It was wrong no matter what.
The song changed and I slipped out of his arms. "I think Beth must've fallen into the toilet or something," I quipped. "I'll be right back." I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on me. I had to calm down. Theo got me so hot. I knew I had to get out of here.
I turned around when I saw Lauren and Beth come out of one of the stalls in the mirror. It looked like Lauren had gotten sick. Funny, she almost never gets sick, I thought. Sure, we'd had a lot to drink, but at this age we had figured out our limits. I guess even so, we sometimes slip up.
"We've got to go, now," Beth was saying. "You and Theo stay and have fun."
"No," I said. "I'm coming with you. I'm staying at your place, remember?" I followed them out of the bathroom, headed for our coats.
"Why don't you stay at Theo's?" Beth asked. "I don't think you want to deal with this." It was hard to argue... he lived even closer to the club than Beth and Lauren did. I had stayed at Theo's before, but Veronica was always there.
I had never told anyone about my crush on him. I knew that if I did, someone might let something slip. I think really couldn't say it because I knew that the minute the words passed my lips, it would become real, and beyond my control. I knew that now I should tell Beth the truth, that I was uncomfortable staying there because I was afraid something might happen, and she would understand. But I just didn't. I told myself that something wouldn't happen. That I wouldn't let it. That Theo wasn't interested anyway, we were just friends.
"Well at least let me find him and tell him, he'll want to walk you home," Theo being such a gentleman, it was true. I helped Lauren get her coat on.
"We need to get out now. Get her some cold air. It'll take forever for him to pay the tab. We'll see ya... call tomorrow, bye," Beth pushed Lauren out the door.
It took another minute but I found Theo. He had 4 more drinks. "Did you fall in too?" he asked. He gestured to my cleavage which was still wet from me splashing water all over myself. I blushed and pulled my shirt up. I told him what happened and he looked sad. He tried to look out the fogged windows to see where they'd gone, but it was no use. "Well, let's just finish these drinks then." I hesitated. But I kept reassuring myself, nothing's going to happen, I won't let it. The night had soured considerably anyway. We didn't dance anymore, we just sat and finished the drinks. I only had one more - I still wanted to remain somewhat in control... but since Theo had a higher tolerance, he finished the rest quickly.
We stumbled over the icy streets back to his place, barely speaking the whole time. I felt bad for Lauren, and now I was feeling bad for Theo that his night of celebration and de-stressing had come to such an abrupt and depressing end.
We got back to his place and took off our coats. My clubbing outfit looked silly in the flourescent light of his hallway. I'd worn a black tank top with some sparkles lining the edges. In the club you can't see much, but in bright light it's completely transparent. I'd worn a black push-up bra... I like to look just a little sexy, catch some eyes when I dance. But regular jeans and classy boots. Not the fuck-me kind. I believe there's something sexier about a woman who doesn't put it all out there.
Which Theo immediately noticed. He put his hand on my waist. "Nice bellybutton," he said drunkily. I blushed and pulled away and tried to cover myself. "I didn't think you'd see me in this light." Oops. I didn't mean him, just him. I didn't want him to know how much I thought about *just him.* My alcohol-soaked brain raced, slowly, to change the subject. What is unsexy? Work. Work is unsexy. "So, you must be so happy you finished that project, huh?" I asked. I moved into the living room where I would be sleeping on the couch.
He followed me. "I'm glad it's over, but... I just ... I don't feel any relief. I'm so tense in my neck. Will you massage me for just a minute?"
I balked. "I'm not very good at massage." Touching his neck? His gorgeous neck? There was something about the nape of his neck that made my skin crawl in a delicious way.
"Sure you are. Come on. Just anything on my neck will feel good right now. Please?"
What could I do? Say, "No, I'm wildly attracted to you, and it will kill me to touch you?" I could feel my heart in my throat again. "Okay, come sit down." I was actually fairly decent at massage, so I went ahead and started working at his neck. He really was tense. As I touched him I could feel myself getting turned on again. His shirt was getting in the way but I didn't ask him to remove it, as much as I wanted to. But it did remind me that I needed to change.
"Can I borrow a shirt to sleep in? This thing is uncomfortable," I said when I'd finished. Or rather, when I couldn't take another minute of touching his incredible body.
"Sure," he left to get one. I let out a sigh of relief. Or was it longing? He came back with the shirt, and then leaned against the wall.
I stared at him and he started back at me. "Uh, I need some privacy," I said.
