I stood there staring at the mirror wondering what had happened. I didn't feel different from when I was twenty, but I certainly looked it. Fat had crept into places that were once firm. Skin that was once tight was getting loose and it was only going to get worse.
Thirty didn't feel old really. It just sounded old. I thought about all the people I knew who were older and they didn't seem to be as distraught as I was. They didn't seem to care at all, and if they did, I couldn't tell.
No, I was the one who was different. I was the one who was concerned. I had my life mapped out before me. I would have a good job and be independent, then I would find a husband that was as successful as me and we might have a baby or probably adopt one.
My map was as flawed as the one Columbus used to find India.
I got laid off.
The perfect husband, well if he's out there I'm sure he's been snatched up and has a couple of women on the side.
The kid, thank god I haven't had to cross that road.
No, my life is far from the map I had so firmly drawn into my head. I was lost.
So there I stood contemplating how I was going to go through with this. How I was going to pay my every larger pile of bills. What asset did I have to give?
I gulped.
I had never considered my body an asset. I thought of myself as at least average. Sure I had flaws but no body was perfect. It had simply never crossed my mind that my body was something I could leverage.
I looked at my breasts and thought about the constant teasing I received through my teens. People claiming I stuffed my shirt or calling me terrible names. How much that had hurt me, made me conscious of my body. How much it made me know they were looking at me.
I let my eyes linger, looking at them. They were so full now. As much as I hated them then, I had gotten used to them. I found it somewhat sexy when I'd catch a guy looking at my cleavage.
I rubbed my hands over my hips, letting my fingers wander against my clean shaven lips. Liz had told me to shave, that it was required. The word required felt so commanding to me, almost demeaning in a way. Here I was ready to do something so unthinkable as to give up my body and I was told to do even more.
I shivered.
I was going to go through with it. I had no choice. When Liz told me how much I could make in how little time I couldn't resist. The need was to great and the money was too much to pass up. Now, here I was, readying myself for the largest humiliation of my life. To accept a man's advances not for his companionship and love, but for his money.
I felt ashamed of myself. How had it come to this?
I grabbed the lingerie I had set out before me and rubbed my fingers through it. It was silky and soft. I thought it would be good to buy something new for the occasion, something I hadn't been in before. It felt cleaner and more disconnected to me that way.
Slowly I slipped the underwear on, the silkiness cool against my bare skin. I took a deep breath and started working on the pink bra.
I wanted to look sexy. Somehow I felt concerned that I had to look like two thousand dollars and not just go through the motions. I wanted him to see the bargain he was getting.
It took me an hour to get all my clothes on and when it was all done I admired my handiwork in the mirror.
"Liz," I dialed my cellphone, "I guess I'm ready."
Liz met me a few minutes later and we started walking. I had no idea where we were headed, only that she had arranged a date for me that would pay three months worth of bills for four hours of work.
I met Liz when I was twelve and she was thirteen. At first she was one of the people teasing me about my large chest, but soon she developed her own and we commiserated. Soon we became inseparable and we have been ever since.
The reservations I had earlier were drifting away. Liz was explaining to me about her first time and how exciting it was. The companionship was comforting. I felt safe knowing that she was with me, that she had arranged this.
"Yours is going to be a little different, though," Liz held my hand and squeezed it. "I hear she's really pretty."
She? I felt my body shake. I hadn't considered a woman. Why would a woman pay for sex? Why would a woman pay for sex with me? I was scared and unable to speak. Our pace slowed and then stopped
"It's okay isn't it?" Liz turned to look into my eyes. "I thought it was okay, you're getting way more money than you would with a guy."
I wanted to cry but I was afraid to. I didn't want to be with a woman. I had prepared to be with a man I didn't want, but not a woman I couldn't want. I felt the blood rush from my face, the only reason I was still standing were Liz's arm's holding me.
"I don't know what to say," I bowed my head down. "I wasn't prepared for this."
"I know," Liz looked away embarrassed, "I thought if I told you, you would back out. I only found out yesterday."
I didn't know what to do. I needed the money but I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't prepare for this. Once Liz and I had kissed and we both felt awful afterwards. Like we had broken some law and were fugitives. We never talked about it and it was the only experience I had ever had with a girl. Now she was asking me to give a woman four hours of my time for her desire?
Liz pulled me close and hugged me. She was so warm and felt so strong against my fear. Slowly I felt my strength and ability to reason return.
"Shouldn't we start walking?" I looked up into her dark brown eyes. I had made my decision.