You know you're in trouble when your wife snuggles up to you and says, "Sweetheart."
You don't want to know what she's going to say but you know you're not going to escape so you very cautiously say, "Yes?"
"The amalgamation of my company with Anderson's Beavers and Brains is going ahead."
"That's great news, honey," you say, relieved it was just something work related.
"I know. My department will just about double in size and I'm in line for a nice rise, as well."
"And you deserve it. You work hard and produce brilliant results for them. It's about time they showed their appreciation with some financial incentive for you."
So far all was sweet. Maria had worked hard to bring this amalgamation about and she was line for a healthy bonus as well as the better paying job if they pulled it off.
"As of next Monday I'll be working flat out for a week getting everything sorted out. I'm going to be frantically busy."
"I fully understand that, love, and you have my full support."
"I knew you'd understand. I'll call you every night without fail."
"Eh?"
"Oh, didn't I mention that we'll be doing the work at Anderson's headquarters. They're, um, situated on the Gold Coast. I have to fly up there for the week. My plane leaves on Sunday night."
When it comes it's always a killer. Interstate for a week. I thought a few choice words but I didn't say them. I knew when to be supportive.
"Um, well, yeah. It'll be a change for you. Weather is awfully hot up there."
"Ha. Like I'll be getting out of the office to find out what the weather is like. I'll be lucky to even see daylight."
All things considered the news wasn't too bad. A week without Maria meant I'd be eating a few meals from the local take-a-ways, but I could handle that for a week. Very easily, now that I thought about it.
"Now I know that you hate cooking and housework so I've arranged for you to have help for the week. Patti is going to come and cook and clean for the week."
The other shoe had just dropped. Actually, the week's absence was more of a slipper and fell with a gentle pat. Patti was a steel capped work boot that was slammed to the floor with great force.
"Your sister, Patti? That is the Patti you mean?" I asked in fear and trepidation.
"Um, yes. Who else would I ask to help me out?"
Practically anyone at all, would be my preference. Maybe I could still extract myself from this.
"I'm sure I can look after myself for a week," I said. "There's no need to bother Patti. She's just a child."
"She's eighteen. The experience will do her good."
Her, maybe. Me, not so likely.
"She's not the best cook in the world," I explained. "Last time she cooked a steak well-done I could have sold the result as charcoal. Charcoal would have been tastier, too."
"She won't approve if she doesn't practice," Maria said.
"She doesn't like me," I pointed out. "She thinks I'm an unwashed, uncouth, barbarian."
"An excellent judge of character," said my smirking wife. "Your pointing out that you have a bath twice a year whether you need it or not did not help."
"She still shuns boys in case she catches boy-germs. She's a ditz."
"I don't think she's that bad," Maria said, but she didn't sound too confident.
I did, but I could see I wasn't going to get very far. I sighed and let it go. I'd be at work most of the day and if the food was too bad I could go and get take-a-way, whether Patti liked it or not. Come to think if it, if Patti was cooking I would be buying take-a-way for two. I doubt that she'd eat what she cooked herself.
Sunday rolled around all too soon. Patti turned up and greeted Maria, all hugs and kisses and smiles. After that she deigned to notice my presence and snarled in my general direction. I politely snarled back and backed away cautiously.
Maria was picked up and whisked away to the airport. I turned to regard Patti who was pointedly ignoring me.
"What the hell are you doing here, Patti?" I asked.
"I promised Maria that I'd keep house for a week and see that you're decently fed," she told me.
"Yeah, yeah, I know all that. The question remains, what are you doing here?"
She gave me a nasty look and shrugged.
"Mother is being a bitch, lately, always on my back for no reason at all. I can't even walk in the room and she'd have something to bitch about. When Maria asked me to come here for a week it seemed a better option that spending a week with my mother. I don't know what's got into her."
"Perfectly normal," I told her. "You're reaching that stage in your life when you'll be wanting to leave home. Your mother knows it and is just being bitchy to give you that added incentive. She probably doesn't even realise she's doing it. It's like the mother bird giving the fledgling a kick in the ass so it falls out of the nest and flies. I wouldn't worry about it. If you don't leave she'll just revert to normal behaviour after a while."
Patti reacted rather hostilely to my masterly summation of her home situation but I just ignored her. I just got on the phone and ordered some pizza, although I did ask her for her preference.
I had dinner and then watched some TV until I was ready to retire for the night. Just a quiet night at home. Oh, I did have to explain to Patti that noise-makers had two volume controls. One was where she turned the dial to an acceptable level. The other was where I put my foot through the offending speaker. Seeing it was her speaker she opted to turn the dial.
I got up then next morning, had breakfast, and headed off to work. After a full day at work I was ready for home and a decent meal, although feeling a little dubious about the quality of the meal that I would get. My expectations of a poor quality meal were not met. To have been met there would have needed to be a meal. There wasn't one.
I could see that Patti had had breakfast and lunch. Her plates and the things she'd used were scattered around the kitchen. There was no sign that she'd made any effort towards preparing dinner. I decided that a friendly chat was in order and went in search of her.
I could hear noise coming from the front room and assumed that she was in there. I wandered in and reviewed the situation. Patti saw me come in as I saw her glance towards me before her eyes reverted to the TV. She was still, I was willing to swear, in the pyjamas that she'd worn to bed the previous night. They might not have been but you couldn't prove it by me. She also had several dishes and some nibbles on the coffee table, indicating she just might have been there all day.
When I put all her little peccadillos together it seemed to me that she wasn't throwing out a subtle challenge but was declaring war. I suspected that I was supposed to reprimand her and tell her what was expected of her where upon she would defend herself by calling me a bully. My attitude was why should I? She knew damn well what she was supposed to do. She'd already discussed that with Maria.
It occurred to me that I now knew why her mother was picking on her. At the same time I had a blinding flash of the obvious. Maria didn't really think that Patti would pitch in and do the housework and cook my meals. Maria expected her to do just what she was doing; seeing how much she could get away with. I was expected to deal with her, bringing her into line, and I had a week on which to do it. Thank you, Maria. Thank you very much.
A lecture wasn't going to do much except annoy her and irritate me. Or should that be irritate her and annoy me? Kicking her out of the house would please me but wouldn't teach her anything and would annoy Maria. I suspect that Maria had already considered those two options and would know that I'd reject them. I shrugged (mentally only) and went and sat on the couch next to Patti.
"Had a nice industrious day, did you?" I asked affably.
"Huh?" she said giving me a passing glance.
