A Game for Learning About Yourself

A game for learning about yourself

Women with very submissive fantasies play at having to live them out. Some come to actually do so.

Against my better judgment, I have written another story. I am back to the easier and more familiar territory of writing about submissive women and women forced to submit. Readers of Sex Slave Lottery will see similarities here.

This story is on the consensual side of the nonconsensual-reluctant continuum (unlike Lawyer Ravished which was wholly nonconsensual). Arguably it belongs in fetish or BDSM, but it does not fit comfortably in those places either.

This will be either a two-chapter story or a longer story depending on reader interest. More on this at the end.

A Game for Learning About Yourself

Chapter 1

Stephanie Stark was troubled by persistent sexual fantasies. Having fantasies, of course is normal, but these fantasies did not accord at all with her self-image or comfort level. Stephanie was even more bothered that part of her actually wanted to live out these fantasies.

The attractive, blonde, 32-year-old bank loan officer in Reno who had graduated from a top-notch business school, had felt she had a fairly healthy sex life. Her looks guaranteed her satisfactory hook-ups whenever she wanted one. Best of all, Stephanie was not burdened with any messy long-term attachments. But these fantasies she had and desires she felt were sick and self-destructive while growing in intensity.

Stephanie told her friend Roberta B. a little about her problem, but Stephanie didn't want to tell Roberta anything about her fantasies except that they were disgusting.

"Many women have rape fantasies, Steffi, if that's your problem," Roberta said. "Just don't think about them too much and if you want to imagine the guy you found in a bar is a pirate captain who just pulled you into his ship's cabin, you can have this picture in your head while you have sex without having to tell the guy about it."

"No, what I think about is way worse than that," Stephanie said. "Rape fantasies of pirates would be healthier and I'm pretty sure I will not run into any pirate ships in Lake Tahoe. Anyway, I feel like fantasy is just not enough. I want to do it."

"Well, if these fantasies are bothering you so much and you are too embarrassed even to talk to me about them, maybe you should see a therapist," Roberta suggested.

Stephanie went on the internet and found a therapist who actually listed counseling single women on unwanted desires as part of the services she offered. A week later, Stephanie met with Dr. Naomi Freudova. Stephanie immediately liked Dr. Freudova who was only a year older than Stephanie. Dr. Freudova spoke at Stephanie's level and the women had many similar social experiences despite their differences in profession. Stephanie even physically resembled Dr. Freudova except that Dr. Freudova was about 5 foot 9 while Stephanie was about 5 foot 7, and Dr. Freudova had dark hair and a slightly darker complexion. Both had hour-glass figures that got them more male attention than they sometimes wanted.

After pleasantries and awkward discussion about their backgrounds, Dr. Freudova brought the discussion to business. "It's been a pleasure to chat with you Steffi, but why are you here?"

After taking in a big breath, Stephanie said, "Oh, Dr. Freudova, I am so disgusted with myself sometimes. I just don't know what to do."

"Steffi, you may call my Naomi, why is a successful, intelligent and attractive woman like you disgusted with herself?"

"I can hardly even tell you, Naomi, although I know you are a professional, but I have sexual fetishes or fantasies or whatever you call them that I can't get out of my head. These thoughts bother me even in the office and keep me from being completely satisfied with any of my partners. I don't know where I got such feelings although I can remember having them for almost twenty years. And, what's worst, I feel I really want to live these fantasies out although they are totally disgusting."

"Were you brought up in a religious family with a strict moral code."

"No, that's part of what is disturbing. I was brought up to be an independent woman with about the same sexual mores and moderately Christian beliefs as every other suburban upper middle-class white girl in my area. I was brought up to be Xenia or Buffy, so why do I have these fantasies of being a completely submissive sex toy that is used and abused by a dozen men at a time?"

There was a pause before Dr. Freudova said, "Science does not know what causes fetishes. Some think that they are caused by a sort of a crossed wire or weird association made in the brain when you are in puberty. For example, you go into the basement to get away from your parents to touch yourself and your mind somehow associates basements with sex. If one keeps building on this by continuing to masturbate while in a basement, the attachment becomes stronger. Later, you find yourself getting aroused whenever you go into a basement and might not even be able to become aroused outside of a basement. That's a theory but we don't know."

"I wish my problem was as easy as your basement example. I'd just rent a house with a basement. But as it is, I want to be the center of a degrading gang bang and worse. I'm thinking at work about turning myself over to a roomful of thugs to be humiliated, whipped and screwed in every way possible. I think at night about being forced to have unsafe sex and a dozen orgasms in front of a crowd before getting nipple and labia piercings and sick tattoos. I sometimes can't help thinking while I have breakfast about being left tied up in public with crude remarks written all over my torso and ten men's semen dripping out of my pussy. A trip to dairy country in California causes me to dream of being branded, bred and milked like a cow."

"Well, at least it doesn't involve piss, excrement, sex with animals, hanging yourself or being eaten," Naomi said in a voice that was slightly less sympathetic than intended.

"No, Naomi, it doesn't involve any of that, but I think you have to admit that it is quite bad enough. Now what can I do? Is there some sort of drug I can take to cure sick thoughts or can you attach a little buzzer to my clitoris that keeps it from getting excited by thoughts of me degrading or enslaving myself to inconsiderate men and keeps me from wanting to present myself to a construction crew, a bunch of criminal sadists or a slave trader when I really don't want to do anything of the sort?"

"Steffi, Steffi, Steffi, you know there is no such simple cure. You may just have to learn to live with the fact you have impulses you don't like and desires that you can't realize. Life involves choices, compromises and disappointments. Many girls cry when they learn that they are not good enough to be ballerinas or realize later that they are not going to marry a prince. But they just shape a life that doesn't involve ballet dancing or a prince.

"I suggest you try having sex or using your vibrator without thinking about a degrading gang bang so as to form new associations. Maybe you will form healthier mental connections. If you can't do that, well imagine that the vibrator or your partner is your eleventh man of the night at the end of your long night as a streetwalker. Neither the guy nor the sex toy can read your mind."

"I really like you Naomi, but for 160 dollars per hour you are not providing much of a service here. I got similar advice from a girlfriend for free. I don't want to have a fantasy. I want to have experiences I find disgusting and an unsafe life that rationally I know would be horrible. A rape that I've planned is not rape. I can't be humiliated by people I've asked to humiliate me. I can't satisfy a deep desire to be a slave by pretending to be a slave for a day knowing that I'm going to be a boss at work again Monday morning."

"Well, I'm sorry but your desires are not merely difficult to satisfy, they are self-contradictory. People who can't get over fantasies they don't want to live out have to learn to have fun with the fantasy without having to live it. There is nothing horrible about having a fantasy about a gang bang and, in fact, that fantasy can even be a good reality if you plan it properly, but you know that. Real rape in never acceptable but, as we discussed, it can be staged. You can be dominated in a consensual relationship with a man, or who knows, maybe even multiple men, based on love and trust. But you can't have a safe nonconsensual relationship built on misogamy. You want to be safe, but you don't want any compromise with your unsafe impulses."

"You are right, doctor, but I want what I want. I need you to cure the contradiction."

After another long pause, Dr. Freudova said, "There is one option although it is hardly orthodox or terribly safe or likely to work. It is to get a real look at what your irrational side wants and hope you are repulsed enough to get over it."

"Oh, you are going to suggest I a football team to whip me, take me twenty times and cover my body in team slogans? I know I can't find such a team and I simply would not have the nerve. I could walk around rough neighborhoods until I was gang raped or dare all the bikers in a bar to prove their manhood, but I don't want to die. Also, I still have too much pride to just go to men like that and ask for abuse.

"And, Naomi, I am not interested in some sort of dominant-sub relationship with a nice loving man who is willing to pretend to degrade me while I kneel and call him 'master'. I have read about that and thought about that, but that's not what my diseased head wants. In fact, I really don't want a relationship with a man at all."

After yet another pause, Dr. Freudova said "Steffi, I certainly would not suggest that you try to live out your fantasy except under very carefully controlled conditions. For one thing, it is probably not possible. As you must realize, the feel, smells, pains and pleasures of an actual gang bang by a bunch of misogamist men whose only thoughts are to abuse you and get their rocks off are not likely to resemble your fantasies much. Also, you say you don't want to be the submissive subject of a gang bang, you want to be cured of your desire to be the subject of a gang bang.

"There is something that sometimes works. Watching the reality of what one thinks one wants sometimes cures all desire for it. Think of all the men who go to war gung ho to kill the enemy and come back sick at heart at what they did and never want to participate in violence again."

"I have tried watching porn if that's what you are going to suggest Dr. Freudova. I've even written stories in which women like me do the things about which I fantasize. The porn and the stories seem to have only made me want humiliation and sex slavery more."

"That is correct, Steffi. Porn is a fantasy and your stories are fantasies. You can't smell the smelly penises in your mouth or feel the pain by watching a movie or writing your fantasy down on paper. Porn actresses aren't called actresses for nothing. Porn directors cut the footage where the guy accidentally farts in her face or she vomits."

"So, you really are suggesting I try to find a football team to get the real experience," Stephanie said with some frustration. I repeat, I don't really want to submit to the real experience even though my stupid fetish and my clit is telling me that I do?"

"Calm down, Steffi, quit going back and forth contradicting yourself and let me explain. I know of a way that you can watch a real gang bang by a bunch of men encouraged to behave badly without any physical harm to the woman at the center. The woman involved will not be a porn star and no acting will be involved. It's not exactly what you are fantasizing but your desires are irrational and self-contradictory. This is as close as you can get.

"The woman who is the center of the gang bang I am discussing will be a woman like you who was willing to be the center of a humiliating and painful gang bang but very reluctant to do it. So, you will see part of the real thing of what it would be like for you to realize your fetish.

"But there is a big risk. You will have a one tenth chance of being the woman who is manhandled, humiliated and subject to more sex that most women see in a year. In other words, you might turn out to be the woman who teaches other women what it is like to be the center of a gang bang of men who don't respect women and are only trying to please themselves."

"Naomi, can what you are suggesting possibly be legitimate? I know you sex therapists are involved in some borderline stuff, but this seems to be way over the border."

"I don't know if this any more radical now than what the Kinsey's were doing in the 1940s and 1950s. Just listen to me. While you may feel like you are the only freak who has ever had a neurosis like yours, there are a lot of others. Yes, a lot of the stories you have read about women with such desires are completely made up, but many reflect the desires of women like you. One study found that over a quarter of all women fantasize about having sex with more than three men at a time. Admittedly, you have much more dangerous sex in mind. You have taken four or five fantasies and combined them to make something very difficult to approach in any safe manner. Your desires to both have and not have the real thing obviously can't be satisfied. The best we can do is have you touch the real fire and hope you are cured of the desires you don't want."

"At a psychiatrist convention I attended, the case of one woman was presented who had had fantasies like yours. She took the risk of being the subject of 12 men's unrestrained lusts and got to watch another woman be subjected to the ordeal. The woman presented at the convention said that after watching that heartless gangbang, she felt she would never again have fantasies like those you report. This happened even though the woman who actually was subjected to all that degradation and sex did not seem outwardly to have been harmed by the experience."

"Do we know what happened in the long run with the woman who was taken by 12 men?" Stephanie asked.

"Her case was not presented at the convention."

"Is there some psychiatric clinic set up to administer this treatment doctor?" Stephanie asked in a mocking tone.

"No, but there are some rich perverts who have set up a spectacle that creates the treatment by accident. Several of my clients have participated and one of them was apparently cured as a result. To be precise, I know of four women who had a problem like what you report that participated in this crass spectacle designed by voyeurs. Two of them report being cured and two have not reported being cured. 50-50 is not terrible odds given you've rejected all the other alternatives."

"Ok, Ok, Ok, this is so sick. I can't believe I'm having this discussion but tell me more."

"You may have heard of Thiesen Medical Supply company. Adolph Thiesen had three sons. The eldest son is to my knowledge a perfectly boring family man. He is now running the company. The youngest son is gay and living with his partner in Los Angeles. The second son, Rolf, is a about our age and a worthless misogamist who likes to watch women strip, humiliate themselves and be fucked in a very rough manner.

"Rolf Thiesen, after going through two wives, is not even pretending that he wants a permanent relationship with anyone anymore. He is one of the biggest customers of escort services in Nevada although he is generally hard to please and never shows any curtesy to the sex workers involved.

"Rolf has found a dozen friends with similar tastes who have founded what they are pleased to call the Sportsmen's Club. I don't know if they participate in any real sports but at a company-owned facility in Churchill County which is generally used for training and sales events by the Thiesen Medical Supply Company, the Sportsmen's Club holds what it calls 'GB Games.' You can guess what GB stands for.

"Prostitution is legal in Churchill County, but Rolf's older brother does not think it would be a good idea to get a license to run a brothel. He only indulges Rolf and his friends on certain evenings and on the condition that the Club not act like they are operating a sex business.

"What they call the players in each game are ten women who are paid $2000 to participate. The $2000 is supposedly for expenses, nothing like a payment for sexual services they say, but a woman does not receive her reimbursement if she pulls out of the game at any point before the loser of the game is thoroughly used. Apparently, Rolf's lawyers think this arrangement makes it unlikely anyone will get in trouble with the authorities. $20,000 is not much money for Rolf Thiesen and his friends although $2000, of course, is a lot of money for some women to earn in an evening.

"The Club members have worked out the rules to provide themselves what they believe is maximum viewing pleasure. Within a viewing area, the women play a game of what is basically a simple game of strip poker. Each woman is dealt a number at random between 1 and 14 that only she sees. Each woman can secretly push a button and get a different new randomly selected number between 1 and 14 if she wants. The house then gets a randomly selected number between 1 and 8. Every woman with a number less than the house's number gets what they call a 'strike'. Ties go to the woman.

"Women each wear 10 articles of apparel and begin stripping when they reach the 7th strike. The players are supposed to remove each item in as sexy a manner as they can and to not make any effort to hide their charms after they remove an article. After having a number lower than the house number 17 times, a player is naked.

"The first one, or ones (there is a small chance of a tie) to get 21 strikes is subject to humiliating displays, spanking, rough squeezing and as much oral, anal and vaginal sex as 12 men can dish out in two hours. The other women and an audience made up of Club members and any guests get to watch.

"The men don't use rubbers because the Club member voyeurs don't think that is humiliating enough unless the loser comes out dripping sperm. All of the men, though, getting close to the women have been tested for every conceivable STD as have the women when they first come to the Thiesen mansion. It is handy for the Club that it can use the medical supply company's testing kits, labs and certain other equipment.

"There are many other details, of course, but I won't go into them unless you decide you want to continue with this therapy. I will mention that normally none of the rich friends of Rolf Thiesen who set up this sport will be among those who spank or have sex with the woman who loses. It seems most rich guys don't want to show their dicks and fat bellies to an audience in order to have sloppy seconds, thirds or tenths with a woman. Club members might ask a participant to meet them later but that is strictly on the side and is not part of the game.

"The guys who engage in the sex with the center are ordinary dudes who are given a good meal, a few bucks, a woman to enjoy with 11 other guys, and all the beer they can drink after the gang bang is over.

"Also, to be clear, every woman is completely free to walk out at any moment of the game and the woman who loses can stop the show at any moment even if she's already allowed six men to have sex with her and a seventh guy is about to come. The Sportsmen make a big deal of saying that they won't tolerate anything like rape.

"All a woman who ends her participation at any stage loses is her so-called reimbursement check. However, for some reason, no woman who has ever started the game has ever backed out at any point. I'm not sure what that means.