((Author's note - this is sort of a "sequel" to my other piece entitled You Have a Problem. It starts on familiar ground but then veers into something else. Please enjoy.))
*****
Hello again. Remember me? Probably not because the last time we talked, I told you to forget a lot of things (and you did!) so allow me to refresh your memory before going any deeper otherwise none of this will make sense.
You had a problem once, a big problem, one that felt so unsurmountable that no matter how much you tried to escape from it, you would always end up spiraling back into it. It was like a black hole in the galaxy of your mind, sucking everything in without remorse. Ring a bell, or perhaps two? I'm sure it does but I'll put it down in simple terms, one word at a time so you can follow. You. Thought. Too. Much.
You did, you know it's true. You thought of everything when you shouldn't be thinking at all; you made every fiction inside your brain a reality. It was all fine until the veneer cracked. Your problem became an obsession, your obsession a pool of rage and everything exploded. You were the first to go, of course; the world was collateral and if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have picked up the pieces at all. I helped you do it by refocusing all your energies into something greater. I was the fantasy that brought you back together and for that, all you had to was obey.
Yes, obey. A simple word, far simpler than most of those out there, yet difficult to sustain in the long run if old habits insist on coming back to haunt you. You obeyed once, accepted the dream, and lived through it. You obeyed so intently that obedience became yet another obsession, one more addiction. Instead of choosing hope, you turned me into an effigy of despair and everything went black. Do you remember now? Do you remember where you went wrong?
You left. You left me. You left my control to wither away because you couldn't handle what you needed and what only I could offer and now... now, you're fucked, aren't you? You want it all back knowing you're not entitled to anything. You want to give in for real knowing you blew your chance to do so and live in perpetual bliss. You have another problem and that problem is obvious.
You miss me.
You do even if you seek to deny it. In fact, you're denying it right now by trying to look away from these words. Open another tab, go on. Go look at scantily clad women or watch the trailer of the new movie you're dying to see. Play music in the background, something sharp, loud, something you hope will drown out the hold my phantom presence still has over your drooling self. Do one of those things or all of them, I don't mind, and when you're done, return here so we can continue. I can wait all day or all night long if need be. The real question is: can you?
I see I already got my answer. That was quick, but that's a good thing, for that means there's still hope going forward. Now then, will you sit and be quiet? Will you sit and listen? Good.
As I was saying, you miss me. You miss everything about me. You miss my friendship and my timely advice. You miss my random texts taking you by surprise. You miss words and triggers you don't remember hearing or reading. You miss being mine to command because when you were, everything was the way it should be, especially when you believed the opposite. You miss all that and so much more yet the contradictions inside you threaten everything once again because you dare to do the one thing you shouldn't be doing right now.
I asked you to be quiet but you're not. Even though you sit still, even though your lips remain closed, you're still mumbling on the inside, asking yourself why? Why do you miss me? Why do you desperately want to be mine again? Why would you go out of your way for a chance to surrender one more time when you wouldn't do that for anyone else? Why am I special to you? Why am I the one you can't live without? Is it because I warped your existence before? Is it because I brainwashed you into believing these things? Is it because you're responding to a long-delayed suggestion that makes you want to crawl, beg, and kneel at my feet? So many questions, so many thoughts, so many unwanted realizations. I can almost hear the bomb ticking in-between the spaces of each moment. You want to obey yet you do not grasp why and that drives you insane.
Before we go any further, we need to do something about that. As such, let me tell you of another word I like a lot, one I'm sure you'll appreciate as well once I explain all its nuances. That word is