Yogabot Pt 04

There it was, right between the dislodged pillow and the sofa cushion -- my purple dildo.

I was mortified. I mean, I'm not a prude or anything. But I was sure this would make him rush for the door. He had to be thinking I was some kind of sex maniac, leaving a dildo out where he could see it, then begging him to hypnotize me. While that thought frightened me to my core, part of me had to admit that it may have been accurate. Maybe I had become a sex-crazed bimbo in the span of two days. What was wrong with me?

"Oh... Mark, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I mean I just forgot to... I....no it's not ummm..."

"K. It's fine."

"No, I mean, I didn't mean... it's just that I forgot and.. it's not like I use it much.. I just pulled it out and... ummm..."

"K," he said more forcefully drawing my embarrassed, unwilling eyes back to him. "It's fine."

I stared at him. I think my mouth opened and close as I fought for words that would not come.

"K, you are a young, heathy, red blooded woman. Of course, you are a sexual person. It's OK. Sexual health is nothing bad. It's as important as any other kind of health. I just think you picked an unusual place to leave it, that's all"

"Well, right before you came over I was...I mean... not, you know, right before... I mean... ummmm... I don't use it... ummm... much... it's just that after last night I was so... umm.. no, I mean, ummm.. I got kinda.... "

He laughed gently.

"K, if it makes you feel any better, that's the same kind my sister has, I think."

"ummm... no, I only pulled it out to... umm... it.. what? I mean... wait... your sister? that's a bit... creepy? Your sister? Did you and her... ummmm..."

"Oh of course not. Geez, I'm not a perv. No, but she left hers out once in the living room. I kinda grabbed it while mom and dad were coming in the front door. Of course, I teased the shit out of her when I gave it back. But, honestly, I told her the same thing I will tell you. You are a strong, healthy woman. I'd much rather have you get some release this way than pick up some creep at a bar for a one-night stand, or get into a bad relationship just because you need a little sexual relief."

I stared at him. What else could I do? On some level, his words made perfect sense. On another level, he was speaking Martian. Never had I known a guy to accept something like this so easily. Never had any of them actually told me they didn't see me as a sexual object, but as a person with sexual needs herself.

"You know, K, frankly, I'm just happy you got to release some tension."

"Oh, I couldn't." I had one of those moments when my mouth replied before my brain caught up. The moment I said it, I regretted it. What was I doing, telling him about my sexual frustration? Hell, I may as well just start doing porn movies for him or something. I was still working through his reference to his sister. Was he telling me that he thought of himself like a brother to me? If so, did I just provide him a creepy view into my sexual frustrations?

"Oh?" he asked casually. "Well, I guess sometimes that happens. Do you think there was any particular reason? Or were you just tired or something?"

Something in me deflated. My shoulders sagged. I was having this inner struggle and I lost.

"Mark. I... " I swallowed hard and looked away. I had the feeling that it was now or never. If talking about my sexual activity and frustrations while he was staring at my dildo didn't make the perfect time to tell him about my newfound connection between arousal and hypnosis, then I would never find one. If I didn't at least bring it up now, I would never do it.

I have never been one to back down from a challenge. I push through my fear. As a vaulter, you cannot be afraid of the bar. You will fall; you will fall badly sometimes. You will get hurt. Deal with it. Face it. Running from it is not an option. When you are hanging in the air after clearing, you are going down, so just prepare and hope for the best.

But this was different. If I screwed this up, I felt like my life was over. If I drove him away, I could only imagine a half-life, without this newfound fetish. Or perhaps I would chase this forever, finding every random online hypnosis video and file and strange man to trance me, only never to get back to what Mark could do with a "SNAP".

And, worst, it was Mark. He was this perfect guy. Now that I had seen what he could do to me while I was tranced, I wanted more. But, if he said "never again" (I shivered inside thinking of that), I still wanted him. I wanted him because he was Mark. He was the guy who brought dinner and laughed with me. He was the guy who always treated people with respect, even when they took advantage of him. He was even the guy who commented on my sexual needs without trying to take advantage of me.

He was Mark.

I breathed deeply and forced myself to look him in the eye and not get lost in them.

I laughed at myself as I started.

"Mark, I... have a... ummm... a bit of a confession to make. I don't understand it. And I don't want to screw this up. I mean, us. I mean, not us like we are an us, I mean...um.. well, I just don't want to.. I don't know... I don't know how you will take this. But I think it's important that I tell you, Just please promise me that you won't flip out on me -- at least until you hear what I have to say, OK?"

He looked almost indignant. "Of course. You know you can tell me anything."

"Yeah. Well, here goes. Last night.. I don't know... something happened." I looked away and spoke to my floor. "When you, you know, did what you did with the suggestion or whatever with my hands. "

"Did you have any side effects? I tried to --"

"Just shut up and listen," I said gruffly, but not angrily. We had the kind of friendship where we could do that to each other and not take it badly. It was part of what I loved about him; I could be myself.

I glanced at him to see him grinning and knew he was OK.

"No, Mark. it wasn't some post-hypnotic thing. It just... um... OK.. it turned me on."

"Oh," he said, almost sounding disappointed that this was all I had for him -- like he was expecting this to be shocking and I had told him I went out shopping or something mundane.

"No, no, Mark, I don't mean like 'OK, I'm a little turned on by that'.. no I mean... like it was the most intense erotic experience I'd ever had. I mean, it rocked my world. And... and... it got me thinking. Like, you know how people are gay, but in the closet? Then one day, they realize they are gay and say it's like finding themselves? It was kinda like that. I.. "

Once I was started, the words got easier. It was almost as if I was talking to my floor and not him. But I still had to stop and steady myself before going on, since the next part was worse.

"I... so... last night... after you left, I umm.. well, let's say I replayed it in my mind with some, you know, embellishments. And, I swear, I had the biggest orgasms I've ever had in my life! I mean, never... never has it been like that. I was on my knees in the bedroom and.."

"you were on your knees?"

"Ummm... well.. ummm.. yeah... I... it seemed right somehow.. anyway, the point is... I swear I almost fell over and passed out from how intense it was. And, today, I spent all day online trying to figure this out. -- hypno-fetish sites, mind control forums, even BDSM sites.. Mark, I need to figure this out! I can't be some weird, kinky.. I dunno... hypno-slave girl wanna be! That isn't me. But.... but... God... maybe it... is? I'm so confused right now. I just know I've never been this turned on by anything or... or... any.. um.. one. "

I glanced up and he was looking at the dildo. I was sure I had blown any chance I had with him, and he was thinking I was a weirdo.

"So, that was from last night?"

"No. No, today I... I tried to um.. get relief, you know? But it didn't work. I don't know. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to wait for.. um.. for.. um... tonight... for.. umm... I wanted to be tranced -- like completely. And I wanted you to take control.. I... I mean... I wanted to... I... don't know what I... "

"Hmmm," he stared ahead thoughtfully. "You know, K, it's not that unusual for people to have some kind of submissive fetish. It really isn't that surprising. There are successful women who need to let go and submit for a while and maybe there is something, I don't know, societal I guess, about men playing the dominant role and women being more the submissive types. Is this something you have done with some -- oh, I'm sorry if this is too personal, just tell me -- but is this something you'd done before? Like past boyfriends or something?"

"NO! No, no no no no! Hell NO! No I never, ever, ever even fantasized about it. I swear! Hell, most of the guys I've been with just wanted to get off as fast as they could. But even when it was more... umm... playful, it was never, ever anything like this! I... I always... I like making my own decisions. I like being on top during sex I... oh... wait.. TMI, right?"

"Hmmm," he said again, staring ahead in thought, his eyes occasionally darting across the room, then returning to stare ahead.

I sat like a nervous school girl outside the principal's office. The adrenal rush passed. I closed my eyes and prayed that he would accept me and not think that I was some disgusting pervert. But I knew that I would not blame him if he did. In fact, I felt he may have been right to think that.

"Your parents," he started slowly, still lost in thought, "they divorced when you were... what? 11? 12? and it was like brutally traumatic for you, right?"

"Well, I mean.. yeah. I mean, one of my brothers got in to drugs because of it. And I mean, who wouldn't be -- wait, how did you know?"

"You told me?"

"When?"

"Like 3 years ago. Well, you didn't exactly tell me. You were talking with a few of us when Liola told you her parents were divorcing and you were trying to make her feel better and let her know that it would be all right. You struggled though. I saw your eyes mist over and could tell you were fighting back tears, even after all those years."

"You.. you noticed that? I didn't think you were paying attention."

"K, I always pay attention to you," he said casually, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Dammit, Mark! How dare you have the perfect thing to say at a time like this!"

He laughed.

"And I remember your break up with Carl. I remember how rough it was."

"Yeah. I tried to, you know, shrug it off, but I guess I didn't do a good job."

"You seemed hurt."

"No, not hurt, just... pissed off. More at myself than him. I couldn't figure out why I ever dated him. And then we spent so much time arguing. He said such really hurtful stuff. And yet I stayed with him. I knew I didn't love him. Hell, I didn't even like him much. But I was like some stupid girl who was afraid to end it. Then when he dumped me -- HE dumped ME for fuck's sake! After all I'd put up with -- I was just pissed."

"MmmmHmm. I remember. That's was the first time I ever cooked for you." He chuckled ruefully, "Remember? I invited you over with some friends? You know, I never told you this, but I didn't plan it that way. I was planning to be just you and me. I really wanted to ask you out, but..."

"WHAT??? What the....Damn, Mark! I... you wanted to date me? Geez, I had such a crush on you.. what... why didn't you man up and ask me?"

"Mel told me not to."

"That bitch!"

"She said to wait until you got some closure from Carl. Otherwise it would be a rebound thing and we both would get hurt. And she said you'd sworn off guys for a while."

I sighed. Damn. To think we could have been dating for years. It felt like wasted time. "She just wanted you for herself, you know."

He shrugged.

"We talked at that dinner, remember? And you mentioned how your high school boyfriend broke up with you."

"Yeah, the night before the prom. Because he wanted to take someone else; he DID take someone else. And I... "

"Stayed home."

"Yeah."

"You know, K. I wonder. You say you have never had a submissive experience in a relationship. And you have always wanted to be on top. And you can't seem to trance to online videos or anything. And yet, one moment and you feel like a monster inside you has been set free, right?"

"THAT is a good description, actually."

"Do you think it's a trust thing? I mean, so many people have hurt you -- ex-boyfriends, your parents, probably your brother when he got into the drugs. Do you think that this has always been there? But you just never felt comfortable bringing it out?"

When he said that, it clicked. It was like the bell that rings in the game shows. Something inside of me went *DING* "that's the number one answer".

I nodded. "maybe. Umm... Mark. I know this sounds weird. And I know it's probably not your thing, but.. could we try? I mean, like.. I'm not talking about whips and chains or anything. I just mean, can we try something... " I took a deep breath, "maybe, you know... erotic? Not sexual! I don't want to force you into anything. But, maybe just something, like something I wouldn't normally do with you that has an erotic flair? To see like, if you are right and, you know, I have always wanted this but was just afraid of getting broken or something?"

"K, you know I'd never hurt you."

"Oh, I don't care if you do. I don't mind getting hurt."

He looked confused.

I continued: "I'm used to getting hurt." I slapped my bandaged knee. "I am an athlete. It's part of the gig. I can take a little pain. And emotionally, even. I'm strong. I'm a fighter. You have to be to do what I do. But, what I know is you won't HARM me. That... to me, that makes all the difference. If, I mean, just hypothetically, if we were, you know, getting playful and you were to, I dunno, spank me or something... I'd be fine with it. Like, OK, it hurts It will be that way for a day or two, and remind me of the time we had. But you won't harm me. You won't do anything that would leave me broken. That's what matters. I think that's why I can... why you can.." I snapped my fingers and grinned.

He shifted in his chair. I glanced down, and I swore I saw a bludge in his jeans. I grinned wider -- not only because this was having an effect on him, but because, for the first time I could remember, he seemed uncomfortable and unsure of himself. I had finally rattled him. And somehow that made me almost start laughing, in spite of the situation.

"So, all right, um.. K... Umm.. OK... right. I.. yeah, we can try something small. Maybe just an experiment. Ummm... we... we should talk about limits and boundaries, though. What is... what is.. outside your.. what can I ask you to do that wouldn't like... that you wouldn't be, you know, something you would be OK with?"

"Anything. "

"No I mean... "

"No limits. None. Make me do whatever you like. Trance me. Make me your puppet."

"K, I know that's a nice fantasy and all, but, it... I mean what if I asked you to do something outside your, you know, comfort zone?"

"Please do. I want it. No, really Mark. I'm serious. Look, I trust you, I really do. And I know that you won't do anything to harm me. Anyone else, I mean literally anyone else, I would be worried. I'd think 'what if I wake up next morning to images of myself nude all over the internet?'

"But, Mark, it's you. If you can put me under and make me do it, then it must mean that I wanted to. If you told me to walk down the street naked, or to send nude photos to my mom -- heh.. actually, I might love doing that, just to see her reaction. And maybe piss her off. Anyway, I know you won't harm me. And, I want to see where this goes. So, yeah, I won't be angry, I promise. No matter what. I want to let go and not have to think about limits or restrictions or mentally evaluate whether something is a good idea. I just want to be... ummm...yours. I mean.. you know, just to see what it feels like."

He thought for a few moments without speaking.

"Consensual non-concent, huh?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"I will do it on one condition."

I was nervous, but asked "OK, name it."

"Saturday night, you go out on a date with me. Not hypnotized, not controlled, not erotic, even. Just a date. I've wanted to date you for a long time. And I'd like to treat you like a princess for an evening."

"Mark, you are amazing and all, but sometimes you can be so dense. OF COURSE I will go out with you! No conditions. Geez, even without the stuff we talked about. I love being with you."

He smiled and nodded.

He held his hand in front of my face. *SNAP*

"5... wake now and open your eyes."

I was laying on my sideways on the sofa like I had fallen on my right side. I had no memory of moving. But I was getting used to that.

"How are you feeling?"

'Mmmmmm.... so good."

"Here, take some water."

I sat up and drank a little. My thoughts were slowly coming back.

"So, did you...um.. did I? You know?"

"No, I just put in a surprise."

"Oh.. ok.. Umm... are you going to.. um.. are we going to.. you know.. um... are you planning to... ummm... well, take me? I mean it's OK if you are, I said no limits and I meant it, but I just wanted to know. "

I started talking quickly, like I do when I'm nervous."It would be OK, but I kinda wanted to remember it, you know, the first time... I mean, I... not that I should assume you want it.. or that there will be a first time. Or a second, for that matter. Or anything, but I just, well it's up to you. But I just thought you should know that, if we, you know, um, make love or anything, I'd kind of like to remember it. And if you don't want to, that's fine too. I don't mean to pressure you or anything -- I'm sorry I brought it up. Sometimes I say things that --"

"K.. shut up."

It wasn't like some kind of erotic thing. Or hypno control. It was just him being him. And it stopped my words instantly. It was cute, really -- the kind of way we talked to each other.

"K, you are a very attractive and sexy woman. I've always been attracted to you. But, I don't want tonight to end that way. I want it to be special if we decide to move to that point."

I smiled. I was both elated and disappointed at the same time. I just nodded.

"But, I do have two surprises for you. The first, " he motioned to mu laptop, "is that I used your laptop to video this entire night. Well, everything after we moved to the sofa. When I realized you couldn't remember anything while you were under, I thought it would be a good idea. Need to make sure you are OK with everything and.. you know, consent and all. Besides, it would be good for you to go through it and see what you think. You can keep it. Delete it. Or whatever. But I thought you should have it."

I looked over and noticed the green light on the camera on. I had never bothered to look before.

I nodded.

"The second surprise." He stood up and looked at down at me. He said three words:"Subspace now, Kendra".

For an instant, my only thought was that he actually said my name. He always called me "K" and calling me by my name was strange coming from him.

And then it hit. It was like a wave washing over me, taking all my will with it. I felt completely subordinate to him. He was the Owner. I was nothing. And I wanted more than anything else to please him. But I was so nervous I might do something wrong or make him unhappy. That thought almost made me ill. He was all that mattered. My silly thoughts. My worthless achievements. My whole self was nothing. All that mattered was pleasing him.

It had a familiar feel to it. and I realized that it was the same feeling I had the night before, when I slid to my knees by my bed and started rubbing myself like a maniac. Only, the intensity now made that look like kindergarten and this like grad school.